UFO's have been in the news a lot lately but no one seems to care.
Frankly, I think it must be over most people's heads.
What happened when one silencer gave the other bad news?
This one’s on a whole new level
Today, on the news, there was an incident in my town where a city bus lost control and landed on top of a house. No one was killed and the city is paying all passengers.
I guess you can say the bus ride was on the house.
One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..
A brand new one from my dad:
Dad: I’m gonna have to return all of these poles. They’re too tall.
Me: They seem fine.
Dad: No. The stakes are too high.
Why did the new employee sew one ball in the groin area of each Elmo doll?
She was told to give them all one test tickle
I learned something new about cemeteries; the people in its town aren't the ones being buried there. Do you know why?
It's because they're still alive.
I have only two new years resolutions this year. One: get back to the weight I was before the accident.
Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'
Old newspapers are printed on broadsheet, new ones are compact
Oh how the Times have changed.
I was tasked to come up with a great pun for a new launch of Microsoft Office, I thought I’d come up with a great one.
But my publisher told me that word games are not what I excel at.
I went to the zoo the other day. One of the new exhibits was a piece of toast in a cage. I asked the zookeeper "what's that all about?" He said...
I went to one of those new cannibal themed restaurant last night...
One administrator of Cloud City struck a New Deal with the Empire: Franklin DeLando Roosevelt
Day one: happy new year everyone
Is it just me or does last year feel like yesterday
The new funeral home in town will not let me view my loved ones before their burial, sadly.
I bought my wife one of them new wireless mouse chargers.
Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.
To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....
I met one of my wife's new vegan friends. Then I froze....
Oh shit! I've slept with herbivore!
I was redoing the fence the other day, pulling all the 4x4s out and putting new ones in...
Sorry, just realized this was a repost.
This time of year we switch out our old decorative squash for a new one -
It's the traditional changing of the gourd.
I got rid of my son’s drum kit but he went behind my back and bought a new one.
There’s going to be serious repercussions.
Been a dad 5 mo, so I’m a little new to this... Hit my wife with this one tonight at dinner.
Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad.
Wife: What are you thinking?
Me: Business casual.
Introducing the new rhyme speaking Green Onion with the super tight back beat! Please welcome the one! The only---
I'll just get new ones I guess
Tragic news, a cargo ship carrying shoes from overseas ran into heavy weather and sank, only one man was rescued, he was found using shoes as a makeshift flotation device.
He was the sole survivor.
There was this news reporter who enjoyed incorporating puns into their reports. One day, they had to cover the story of a mass stabbing. Unfortunately, the reporter couldn't think of a pun so they just sighed and went on to report the news how it was...
"Sorry, no pun n' ten dead"
A friend of mine always carries around a scale with him no matter where he goes. Anytime he meets a new person named William he throws them right on the scale. So one day I finally asked, "why do you keep doing this?" He replied.
"because where there's a Will there's a weigh."
Sorry if old, one of my favorites. I'm new. Be nice.
It is a well-known fact that William Tell and some members of his family were members of a bowling league. Unfortunately all the records from back then have disappeared so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
My one new years resolution was to start to use my Velcro wall more.
So far I'm sticking to it.
Hey sweetie I want a new knife for fathers day. I'd use this one..
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets off Amazon but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
Guess, I'll have to buy a new one
News: ‘Boy George’s reptile bites 5 people in one day.’
He needs a calmer chameleon
I must have 10 New Order records but I only ever seem to play one of them.
I have a serious Substance abuse problem
The mods have a new way of improving the jokes we submit. They now add smell to all the jokes and rate them according to their odour. One mod adds some floral funniness, another tweaks them with sweet smile appeal and a third makes sure they contain a few obnoxious puns.
From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humour.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
I recently broke my iPad, so I decided I'll get a new one.
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
One of my friends recently told me he’s bored and looking for a fun new hobby. I suggested getting involved in political protesting.
I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.
But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided: if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.
Up until today, I only knew two jokes about the Fibonacci sequence. Then, today, I heard a new one.
It made me laugh as hard as the other two combined.
About a year ago, I had this friend named Uriah, who I called “U”. I gave my old motorcycle to him, because I had just bought a new one. Soon thereafter, he put it on a scale.
Last Christmas, I gave Yamaha. But the very next day,
U gave it a weigh.
One of these new shoes isn't right
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