I have only two new years resolutions this year. One: get back to the weight I was before the accident.
Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'
I was tasked to come up with a great pun for a new launch of Microsoft Office, I thought I’d come up with a great one.
But my publisher told me that word games are not what I excel at.
I went to one of those new cannibal themed restaurant last night...
Day one: happy new year everyone
Is it just me or does last year feel like yesterday
The new funeral home in town will not let me view my loved ones before their burial, sadly.
I met one of my wife's new vegan friends. Then I froze....
Oh shit! I've slept with herbivore!
I got rid of my son’s drum kit but he went behind my back and bought a new one.
There’s going to be serious repercussions.
This time of year we switch out our old decorative squash for a new one -
It's the traditional changing of the gourd.
I was redoing the fence the other day, pulling all the 4x4s out and putting new ones in...
Sorry, just realized this was a repost.
I bought my wife one of them new wireless mouse chargers.
Introducing the new rhyme speaking Green Onion with the super tight back beat! Please welcome the one! The only---
Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.
To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....
A friend of mine always carries around a scale with him no matter where he goes. Anytime he meets a new person named William he throws them right on the scale. So one day I finally asked, "why do you keep doing this?" He replied.
"because where there's a Will there's a weigh."
I'll just get new ones I guess
Hey sweetie I want a new knife for fathers day. I'd use this one..
Sorry if old, one of my favorites. I'm new. Be nice.
It is a well-known fact that William Tell and some members of his family were members of a bowling league. Unfortunately all the records from back then have disappeared so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets off Amazon but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
A pet store in New Mexico has seabirds in the window for sale; I bought the one on the right, but...
...I knew I shoulda taken that left tern at Albuquerque!
My one new years resolution was to start to use my Velcro wall more.
So far I'm sticking to it.
Tragic news, a cargo ship carrying shoes from overseas ran into heavy weather and sank, only one man was rescued, he was found using shoes as a makeshift flotation device.
He was the sole survivor.
There was this news reporter who enjoyed incorporating puns into their reports. One day, they had to cover the story of a mass stabbing. Unfortunately, the reporter couldn't think of a pun so they just sighed and went on to report the news how it was...
"Sorry, no pun n' ten dead"
Been a dad 5 mo, so I’m a little new to this... Hit my wife with this one tonight at dinner.
Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad.
Wife: What are you thinking?
Me: Business casual.
I must have 10 New Order records but I only ever seem to play one of them.
I have a serious Substance abuse problem
The mods have a new way of improving the jokes we submit. They now add smell to all the jokes and rate them according to their odour. One mod adds some floral funniness, another tweaks them with sweet smile appeal and a third makes sure they contain a few obnoxious puns.
From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humour.
I recently broke my iPad, so I decided I'll get a new one.
Guess, I'll have to buy a new one
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
News: ‘Boy George’s reptile bites 5 people in one day.’
He needs a calmer chameleon
One of my friends recently told me he’s bored and looking for a fun new hobby. I suggested getting involved in political protesting.
I thought I would be happy with one new monitor
"Cheer up, you could be a replacement stake in the ground for barbed wire to stretch upon," said one new joke to another.
"Yeah, I guess I could be a repost," said the other new joke.
Up until today, I only knew two jokes about the Fibonacci sequence. Then, today, I heard a new one.
It made me laugh as hard as the other two combined.
I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.
But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided: if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.
About a year ago, I had this friend named Uriah, who I called “U”. I gave my old motorcycle to him, because I had just bought a new one. Soon thereafter, he put it on a scale.
Last Christmas, I gave Yamaha. But the very next day,
U gave it a weigh.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
Will the new decade bring fortune or disaster? No one knows yet.
News Reporter: We've been looking for an escaped convict with one eye...
If we don't find him, we'll use two eyes
Couldn’t fit the full image but the bike one says “All New Apple Bike”
My roommate Esther and I wanted to get a new rug for our apartment, but we didn't have a tape measure. So we had to use Esther's height to guess the approximate dimensions we wanted. We bought a rug one Esther wide by two Esthers long. You could say we...
I think tech YouTubers should be reviewing new shovels when new ones come out.
The technology in those things are ground breaking.
One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot, she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.
My wife's handbag is sorely in need of replacement. I offered to get her a new soft leather one, but she declined.
I guess she's not easily purse-sueded.
My new nightclub for giants finally opened. It took over 7 years of planning and we only had one rule...
One of these new shoes isn't right
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