But he just won't listen
Wanted to share one with the community.
Scenario: We are coming up on a railroad crossing in the car.
Dad: Hmm, train just went by.
Me: What? How do you know?!
Dad: I can see his tracks.
As a little kid I thought this was the funniest things ever.
Dad loves jokes, though, so it's not gonna be easy
When my wife went to the Hospital for our first son, we had a scheduled C-Section. They took her to the OR and had me gown up so I could be there with her.
The doctor came in and said to me "It's time! Ready to deliver this baby?"
I replied with a look of shock and said "We discussed this last night and decided we'd like the baby to keep his liver..."
4 years old now this week and I couldn't ask for a better kid.
Seriously... I asked and the wife said never to bring it up again.
It needs to be womb temperature though.
Just like everyone else, you Barium.
Honestly, I don’t know whether I should be proud, or pissed that someone is monetizing our jokes.
There’s non-binary gold prospectors in some parts of the world.
They dig up a fortune in them/their hills.
I'm done. I'm not even going to attempt a new joke until next year.
How much no more tears shampoo do you have to rub in a baby's eyes before it stops crying?
Mercutio (after being mortally wounded in a fight): Ask for me tomorrow and you shall find me a GRAVE man.
All of Verona: groans
He now farts loudly in public (thinking it's a silent killer) and pretends someone else did it....
But he just won’t listen.
"No way, sweetie! These things are in mint condition!"
A sigh-smograph.
"Uhh, 4:15," he said.
No support
It's going to be called the iRoll.
Granted my son is known for corny (akadad) jokes but this one is a gem and I’m so proud I knew I had to share it here.
Two men were stranded in the desert for about a week with no food or water. They were getting pretty desperate.
One of the men saw a tree in the distance. It was simply covered in bacon. So much bacon that there were no leaves to be seen. More bacon than the two of them could eat in a week. They were saved!
After sharing his discovery with his companion; the man began to run towards the tree, the scent of bacon overwhelming his senses.
Right before he reached his goal he was surrounded by many men firing repeatedly at him. He was struck by several bullets from all directions.
Too late he realized it had not been a bacon tree that he had seen, instead it was a ham bush.
When it has groan (up, votes) and makes little jokes of it's own.
…and came up with something aboriginal.
Son: Good, we learned about dehydration, look at this chart they gave us!
Dad: That's nifty! Let me take it to the bathroom and see how hydrated I am.
A few minutes later...
Son: How'd it go dad?
Dad: Results were unclear.
You never have to throw them away. Once they get so holy, God just takes them.
It’s called Dumb and Dahmer.
acu-pun-cture.
By one-liner I mean something along the lines of “let’s make like an Autobot and roll out” or “put an egg in your shoe and beat it”
One of my colleagues is expecting his first baby so the office is throwing some money in a card for him and his wife. I want to write something funny in the card but it needs to be acceptable for an office setting. Hope you all can help me out!
But I would never let that happen to him. Ear-replaceable.
Moosic.
"It’s cutting hedge technology!"
“Watford sir, near London.”
It must have been those Freudian slippers
Son: "Nope."
Dad: "Hmm. I guess it hasn't come out yet."
I have a freezer full of brest milk. I opened the freezer today and 6 bags fell out. My wife walked up behind me and said look out it's booby trapped.
Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad.
Wife: What are you thinking?
Me: Business casual.
Who's Left?
The main character indulges in “dad jokes,” such as:
What do a cigarette and a hamster have in common?
They both are completely harmless, until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth.
There’s plenty where that came from.
It's called: Groan-ish
I said, “Awesome. What type is it?”
He said, “ Two thirty.”
Me: Oh, I didn’t know that.
Son: It’s the tenth one, know what they’re calling it? Fasten your seatbelt!
He said it was very addictive
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk”
I was out grocery shopping yesterday and was looking at wines. The lady next to me grabbed a bottle but knocked another bottle to the floor. It broke and red wine went everywhere. I said the first thing that came to mind...
"Caught you red handed".
She looked and me and started laughing. One of my proudest moments.
"It’s cutting hedge technology!"
But he just won’t listen.
