Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
So a few years back, my sister forgot to put the butter away and mom was chewing her out because it was ruined.
Seeing an opportunity to break the tension, I called from the living room, "I guess you BUTTER not do that again!"
Mom shouted back that my joke was terrible, but she was laughing too much to stay irritated.
...never gonna let you down! Never gonna run around...
What lets you see in the dark but gives away your position?
Whenever my artistic girlfriend is sad, I let her draw things on my body....
I gave her a shoulder to crayon.
My boss always laughed at my jokes at work but since the pandemic she never laughs at them in Zoom chats. I asked her why doesn't she laugh at them anymore.
She replied, "Because your jokes aren't remotely funny."
My girlfriend broke up with me because I never buy her flowers.
I didn't even know she sold flowers.
My son's math's teacher was away so the head of school had to step in and take her place.
It's the principal that counts.
The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.
I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"
A toothless old lady in hospital always gave away the peanuts she was given by her visitors to the nurses to eat.
One day a nurse asked her why she didn't ask for grapes instead of nuts.She replied that you can't get grapes with chocolate coating!
I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"
My grandpa grew up during the depression, as a result, he never threw anything away.
He died in the war, holding a hand grenade.
My wife laughed, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math!" I shrugged and said, "You never know! Anybody can win the lottery." Folding her arms, she asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?" I shot back, "Yes!! 100%!!"
My friend got a role as an extra in a film. His job was to approach the lead actor and comb her hair away from the middle of her head...
My daughter's teacher gave her a project to write the English alphabet on slips of paper. Unfortunately 25 letter slips got wrinkled on her way to school.
But atleast she has a smoothie
My 4 year old just told her first dad joke, and I've never been more proud.
My pregnant wife is wearing a white shirt that has a pumpkin painted over her belly, for Halloween. We are having another little girl, and have set on the name Ellie.
My daughter comes home, and is greeted by my wife.
4yo: "I like your shirt mama!
Wife: "Aww thank you! Do you like my pumpkin belly?
4yo: "...I like your pumpkin Ellie!"
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...
what do you call a tree that will never give you up, never let you down, never gonna run around and desert you?
The first time I saw her, at her honey stall at the farmers market, I knew right away...
Why can you never get away with vandalizing wet cement?
The police have concrete evidence against you.
What did the mother melon say to her daughter when she wanted to run away to get married?
I think not letting my dog eat water melon is makings her sad.
She's a little melancholy.
What food should you never give to two fiancées who ran away from home together?
The Mandalorian came across Little Ms. Muffet having difficulty with her meal. He stopped to help, letting her know...
"These are the curds and this is the Whey."
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
Why did the oister never share her pearls?
I'd never let my children watch the orchestra
There's too much sax and violins
Edit: Thank you so much for the gold and silver
My wife got mad after I tried to convince her that she'd agreed to let me buy a neon sign.
I guess she doesn't like gas lighting.
I told my wife that I would never take her for granite.
Though, I probably would for marble.
I'll never forget the day I first met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party and she was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat mate...
They'd gone together dressed as the number 10...
I knew there and then that she was the One!!
No matter how many times she tried, Sherlock Holmes' wife could never convince him to grow fond of her pet duck.
He was a master of the duck shun.
(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit--
I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit--
Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
When you know two languages and words from both of them start slipping away from you... Byelingual
Martha had always listened to her parents when they said ‘stay away from fire’, but today, her interests got the best of her and she intentionally lit herself on fire just to see what it felt like.
Martha was burning with curiosity
I never should have let E hang out with D, C, AA and AAA.
My husband and I were eating chips when our toddler requested one. So he gave her a chip and she walked away.
A few minutes later she came back and my husband wasn’t paying attention so I said “give her another, dad.” And he responded with “what’s wrong with the dad she’s got?”
my girlfriend complained that i never buy her flowers
i never know she sold flowers
My wife is mad at me because I never buy her flowers
I honestly didn't know she sold flowers
My girlfriend said that I never buy her flowers..
I never knew she sold flowers!
My wife’s mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers
I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers
Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body
I gave her a shoulder to crayon
Whenever my girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body
I gave her a shoulder to crayon...
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska...
My wife is mad because I never buy her flowers.
I didn’t even know she sold flowers!
My wife was complaining that I never buy her jewellery.
I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.
I’d never let my children watch the orchestra.
There is too much sax and violins in it
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway! ~ My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska...
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