I got banned from my local gym
I gues I just didn't work out
Stopped in the local cemetery on my walk
The groundsman said "Morning"
I said "Nah, I'm just having a piss"
My local barber was arrested for dealing drugs in my neighborhood.
I've gone to him for 5 years and I never knew he was a barber.
Recently bought a pair of shoes from my local drug dealer...
Don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day...
I just found out that my local Indian restaurant accepts cheques
So I dined there and wrote a cheque for the total.
I marked it naan negotiable.
They opened a haunted house at my local theme park...
I heard business is boo-ming
I called in an order for pickup at my local vegan grocery, but they said they don't serve devil worshipers...
All I said was: kale, seitan.
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
My mom’s sister runs the local candlelight services for the community
There was a kidnapping at my local school today.
It’s ok though, he woke up eventually.
Found this pun at my local Subway sandwich shop.
As we drove past Ikea, my dad began one of his rants “Why do people want Swedish furniture? The fancy closet in my bedroom was built by a good ol’ fashioned local carpenter, none of this foreign import rubbish!” He was surprisingly vocal...
I work as a quality control specialist for my local toothpaste company
every tube so far has been in mint condition
I thought I saw Michael J Fox at my local garden centre.
I'm not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias
Found at my local Trader Joe’s.... I mean come on... you laughed... Right?!
My wife and I went to a local brewery last night. Said brewery has quite a few IPA style beers.
As we were leaving, wife says "Gee, they have a lot of feral cats."
I said "Surprised they don't have a lot of feral rabbits."
HUH?
Because of all the hops they use!
It’s a 5 minute walk from my home to the local pub...
...and it’s a 30 minute walk from that pub back home.
The difference is staggering.
My local Waffle House has a new insurance plan.
They're now covered and smothered.
I just called my local game stop
I went to my local all you can eat buffet...
And there was this girl that was only choosing vegetables?
I thought, i never seen herbivore.
I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn’t like my critter sizing.
Was in my local gardening centre looking at outdoor floor boards when the owner asked me if I wanted decking?
Luckily I got the first punch in.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
I went to my local Gym to learn to do the splits...
Gym instructor said: 'How flexible are you?'
Me: 'I can't make Tuesdays'
My local clothing store has an area set aside to try on clothes that is perfectly placed in the store...
There is a sign outside my local library that says 'Watch for Cars'
I was at a local store buying a shitty old CD for $9.95. When I handed the cashier my $10, he handed me my change and said:
"Here's your Nickleback."
I told my local garbage man how much I appreciate him.
I said I would be a mess without him.
My local pastor is a keen motor cyclist...
He's just bought himself a Holy Davidson.
I can’t believe I wasted all my time trying to help rearrange the vending machines at my local grocery store...
I’ve been moving them around all day but they still say they are “Out of Order”
So I went to my local astrology group and was asked to take roll call. And wouldn’t you know it?
All the signs were there.
Called my local restaurant for reservation. Hey are you guys open for reservations? They replied four to nine today
Looks like they are too busy today
My local Vietnamese restaurant
I keep complementing my local gas station when training my dog.
I may have been kicked out of my local watch shop for throwing the merchandise around, but I can confirm...
Time does fly when you’re having fun!
My bff and I want to go to a local art exhibit. Terrible art puns ensue
I invited the local farmer and his horse to my son's birthday party
They quickly became the centaur of attention
I asked my local locksmith why he's still open during these crazy times. Turns out he's a key worker.
So is the piano shop owner next door.
Had a large keyboard instrument with pipes that I gave for free to my local church.
Always proud to be an organ donor.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
I showed this woman all the F-150s at my local dealership, and she instantly wanted me.
I guess she was really into pickup lines.
The first time I seen my Wife was at the local Zoo. Our eyes met..
..and I knew She was a Keeper.
I tried to schedule a time to go into my local library
My local safari park is trying to pass off common Caribou as African Wildebeest...
I bought a dog from my local blacksmith
When I got it home it made a bolt for the door
The taylor at the local men's clothing shop kept trying to help me find wedding attire despite my wishes. He finally gave up and said
I quit my job as the Pro at the local Miniature Golf course...
... I found the work oft-putting.
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.....
They didn’t like me critter sizing.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
Tried to schedule a date with my girlfriend at my local library
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