I loaned my blind friend a good amount of money
he said he would pay me back the next time he saw me...
My friend doesn't think he'll make a good litter picker
You'll pick it up as you go along, I reassured him
My friend wants to read the Dune books because he heard they’re really good.
I heard they’re a little dry.
Is my friend good enough for the big leagues (for puns)?
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practicing it a lot.”
My friend said, “My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”
Me: Cats. Cats love fish.
My friend was getting so good at needlework, he tried doing it behind his back, ala Jimi Hendrix. But he accidentally sewed his hands together!
He knitted his hands behind his head.
I found a crocodile yesterday, and my good friend suggested that I took it to the zoo.
I did, and we had great fun! Today I'm taking him to the cinema instead.
My friend asked me, "what's even good about math?"
Well, addition is a big plus
(Credit to my 9 year old sister)
My friend has no arms and loves to make jokes about it. They're never any good though.
He doesn't have a funny bone in his body.
My good friend Gavin died of heartburn recently
I still can't believe that Gaviscon.
Got my friend good yesterday
She was talking about having guacamole for the super bowl and we were talking about going to trader joe's.
Me: Trader Joe's has some pretty good guac that we could pick up.
Her: No way, I make my own. I'm in search of perfection.
Me: So you not only talk the talk, you also guac the guac?
My best friend has a good eye for dad jokes...
But the jokes couldn’t be any cornea.
My good friend drowned while at the beach last month. I tearfully placed a life preserver on his coffin at the funeral.
It's what he would've wanted.
My friend asked me if Roshomon was a good movie or not.
I told him it depends on who you ask.
My friend has a mollusk farm which he says gives him a good workout...
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
My friend said that all the good periodic table jokes argon...
I got my friend real good just now
Friend: I’m too tired right now
Me: so like a bike
Friend: no, I’m exhausted
Me: so like a motorbike then?
Friend: My mouth burned the whole time cause my dad made me eat this hot pepper in exchange for the show ticket. Wasn’t even a good show.
Me: You just really ate to see it
I took my surgeon friend to an ochestra night yesterday - It went from good to great when he excitedly told me his favourite part was coming up...
... I had no idea he was such a big fan of that organ solo..!
My friend gets a real good workout at his giant bivalve mollusc farm...
My friend popped his bicycle tire! I need some good puns!!! HELP!
Me and my friend were both really big foodies and loved a good steak but then she turned vegitarian
It’s like I’ve never met herbivore
My friend complemented me about how good I was a cooking Mac and cheese.
I said “thanks, it’s a special craft “.
I have a name for my good friend who throws trash on the floor
My baker friend made the largest baked good in the world, and stood on top of it for the picture... he was on a roll.
I was actually going to post a chemistry joke, but I was afraid I wouldn't get a reaction...
This guy thinks I'm not a good friend cuz I won't lend him my copy of a Pixar film
I'm never gonna give you UP, but I'm never gonna let you down...
My friend bought a really expensive tie online, but there is a good chance it’s fake.
I think his ascot ripped off.
I'm known for my dad jokes and in my first day of junior year in high school, I got my friend good.
Today, my friend Mia and I found out we had PreCalculus together and thus sat across from each other and began talking about our schedules while our teacher prepared the student contracts. (For reference, Mr. Waage is one of the music teachers in my school.)
Mia- "I have Waage three times in my schedule this year and two are back to back."
Me- "What periods do you have him?"
Mia- "0, 4th, and 5th period."
Me- "Looks like you are getting maximum Waage."
Grunts and cringes ensued
My grandma asked my friend "you've never worn contacts or classes, right? You have good eyes?"
To which he replied, "Yeah, last time I looked"
He then proceeded to laugh at his unintentional joke for a few minutes, while the rest of us rolled our eyes.
My wife asked me, "How do I tell a good friend she's fat? " I said, "Does she have a boobiedo?" She replies, "What's a boobiedo?"
"It's when your tummy sticks out farther than you boobie do."
We're not allowed over there any more.
Good one by my friend.
We were having breakfast yesterday and he was mindlessly eating this grape jelly packet. In a joking/mocking way I asked him how his jelly was, until he replied "its pretty grape".
Got my friend good today over a text
We were talking about how sore we are from the gym a couple days ago, specifically our legs
she says "we're quite the pair today"
I replied, "pair-a-plegics indeed."
Got a SMH
My good friend lost his iPod...
...he found it a week-ish later in his pet rabbit's cage.
I told my husband about the situation and he said:
"O that's unfortunate. He was probably trying to listen to some hip-hop."
Got my friend pretty good today while chatting on FB
me: I just heard that physicists at CERN have a room where they hold Dick-Fights.
him: Wtf man? Seriously?
me: Yeah, they call it the Large Hardon Collider
My friend asked me if I knew why Dwarves are so good at Math.
Me: "No.. why?"
Him: "Because it's the little things that count."
My friend asked me if I had been to any good seders lately. (A joke for Jews and friends of Jews)
I said I had a ways back, but it passed over.
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said “go for it!”
He went on to shout, “No! Not the kryptonite!”
A little confused, I said “that’s Superman.”
“Thank you!” he laughed. “I’ve been practicing a lot.”
My friend said, “My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”
“A cat” I said. “Cats love fish.
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practising it a lot.”
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