If there's anything you want to know, about what's going to happen, just ask me.
I said "No, but I can do a great Bohemian Rhapsody"
It took 6 minutes to put on. It was a waist of thyme
Her: Yes
Me: I knew it!
She immediately raised it above her head and said, “This is a stick up!”
(Credit to my 2.5 year old- inspired by true events)
He wants to become a web designer.
Well... It’s about time!
I guess I just need a better resolution
I told her it's about time.
- Stand in front of a mirror and reflect on what they've done.
- Sit in the corner where the floor speakers are to face the music.
Any other suggestions?
Went to get tickets from the office, waited in line for a while but got sorted.
Had to rent a limo, another line in their office but got one pretty quick.
Remembered I needed flowers, ran to the local florist, this time there was a massive line but they looked after me.
Eventually we got to Prom. Future Wife asks me to get her some punch.
I go to the refreshments table
Theres no punchline.
It’s about time...
when I buy two 12-packs of beer
He gets into a mean medium mode.
I reply with “sleeping” and they ask “why sleeping?” and I reply with “because i’m living the dream”.
At that moment, I knew I fell in louvre.
One of them said, “All we have to do is make ourselves massless and then we can do it.”
Another replied “But how do we bring our luggage?”
At which point I chimed in, “You pack light.”
I noticed a couple of really cute ground squirrels that have started a little community next to the soccer field at our college campus, and pointed them out. This was his reply.
DH: Oh man, they’re adorable! Can you buy one of those at a pet store? I wonder how much they’d gopher....
We were eating Mac and Cheese for dinner outside yesterday. He dropped some on his chair. I told him he can't eat it because it is dirty now.
He said, but Dad I want it its cherry now!
I couldn't be more proud!
And she said "Yeah if we have stables, we can offer livery services. People pay a lot for that."
I said, "yeah, and you can also grow some crops, like onions, if we had the land."
Long pause...
"Then you can offer livery and onion services!"
As we were pulling into our driveway yesterday
Me: Look at all those crows in the yard
Son: We should call the police
Me: Why?
Son: We just saw a murder
Groan
Me: what did you think about the movie? Dad: It was X-traordinary facepalm (5 second wait) It X-ceeded my X-pectations Me: Stop! Dad: All in all quite X-cellent
Interviewee: "I have a an obtuse persona,"
Boss: "Oh, how so?"
Interviewee: "My back hunches forward, so I can't stand up straight"
I instantly "unprofessionally"chuckle
But then I realized that would be a little pre-conceived.
As I was leaving the Home Depot today an elderly man likely in his 70's approached me and said,
"Hey young man I want to tell you something, you how they always see bees flying around gas stations?"
I didn't but I wanted to leave so I said "yes"
He says "Well they found out the bees are using the bathroom while they're flying around the gas station... And you know what their favorite gas station is?"
I say "Ummm nope"
He says "BP! Bee pee! You get it!"
I got a good laugh at that one and for some strange reason I feel that some number of years from now I will be trolling the Home Depot parking lot making Bee Pee jokes and someone will send me back in time to save dad joking for future generations and I will tell myself that joke for the first time today...
Friend: Text me when you have time.
Me: When you have time.
Friend: ...
During his first dinner with my family, my (now) wife's father casually complained, "I've got a problem with a few of my employees. I was crunching the numbers and noticed that they are taking 40% of their days off on Mondays and Fridays."
Eveyone else at the table stared blankly while my father cracked up. It took the rest of us a bit too long to get that dadjoke.
(Me and co-worker discussing him moving into my apartment complex this weekend)
Me: Well are you sure you can mount a TV on it? One of the largest walls in my living room is poured in place concrete. Can't hang anything on it.
Him: Yea i checked its a stud wall. I just need to go out and get a stud finder.
Me: Just come over and borrow mine if you'd like.
Him: Actually I should probably just use [my wife], she's pretty good at finding studs.
queue: groans from myself and all surrounding co-workers
Walking out of the theater I said, "All I have to say about Hugh Jackman is that his name is accurate. He was jacked, man!" My dad looks over at me, confused. He goes, "What are Hugh talking about?" Laughs were had.
Kid has a facial tissue folded like one of those "chance" games with panels, pick a number, pick a panel, unfold for fortune, kind of thing.
Kid: I can use this tissue to tell your future!
Me: really? Does it say my future involves dancing? (puzzled look in response) Me: I figured since it was a tissue, it has a boogie in it.
I laughed, then had to explain the 70s.
The other day at work, Best Buy, a lady came in and was talking to a female coworker of mine about laptops. She asked if I could get it for her and they told me it was so she could study for the bar. I quickly return with it and as I hand it over I say, "It's funny that you need it for the bar, the bar usually keeps me from studying!"
Both of them were unamused, but my supervisor approved (he's a dad.)
I was on a ladder today and Rogers called me, they said I had outstanding balance. How the hell did they know?
My lady was telling me a story in which she stained some clothing. She said that she 'shouted' it. I responded that some type of cleaner would probably work better than shouting at it.
If you don't know there is a laundry pretreat called Shout. http://www.shoutitout.com
I told her it's about time
I told her it's about time.
