Inspiration from Mitch Hedberg
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JamilliousThePaws
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
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Back in the 90s, i spent time on the set of Baywatch messing with a character named Mitch Buchannon. I got pulled off the set and arrested the same night.

Turns out it's illegal to Hasslehoff.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StupidBeaver
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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Mitch Hedbird
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisfuckinjerk
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
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Mitch Hedberg: The King of Dad Jokes [6:38] youtu.be/u6xaj2fC1jI?t=57…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MoonManAndHarmony
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2013
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What would you call a walking mosquito?

An itch-hiker.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
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What do you call someone who can't stop watching films with strong female leads?

A heroine addict

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πŸ‘€︎ u/snakesinfur
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
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Whoever created autocorrect,

I hope you burn in hello

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SonEf_Adam
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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Son of a what now?

If a man named Mitch has a boy, it would make the boy a son of a Mitch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blochow2001
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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I drove around Lake Superior last Fall...

It had me fondly thinking back to the time years ago when my friend Mitchell and I toured four of the five Great Lakes one summer.

I wonder if I’ll ever see Mitch again?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/worldrider1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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Since my daughter was born I haven't slept for 11 months.

Because that would be entirely too long.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/attemptednotknown
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room.

They’re currently fighting it out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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I remixed a remix

It’s back to normal.

(Courtesy the late Mitch Hedberg)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GigaMike123
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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I really want to buy one of the grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RLalaggin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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The Senate majority leader refuses to acknowledge the election results.

He’s acting like a real Mitch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zkck0517
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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What do you call a male witch?

Mitch

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn't have one.

So I got a cake

-Mitch Hedberg

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πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
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I used to tell 'DAD JOKES"....

I still do, but I used to, as well....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MarcusBondi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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I’m pretty sure that the hotel receptionist was checking me out.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/backrowtheater
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
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I’ve always wanted a trampoline

So when my daughter asked me to build her one, I had to jump on it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/koNekterr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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de-escalated
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fightmilk22
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2018
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For my next trick,I will disappear.

"Fuck you,pear. You taste like shit."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mudpucket1969
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
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I’m against picketing

but I don’t know how to show it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BillCosbyGANG
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
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If every letter "t" was silent...

...we'd never hear the end of it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
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Shout out to anyone who doesn't know what the opposite of in is
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Humeon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2016
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus?

Or a hip opotamus? A very cool opotamus

Got from Mitch hedbergs Conan set, seemed like the right forum for it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eclectic211
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
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I haven’t slept for three days

That would be too long

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πŸ‘€︎ u/amiur
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
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If I ordered a Mint Julep in a copper mug

could I call it a Moscow Mitch?

Explanation: A cocktail called a Moscow Mule is served in copper mugs. The mint julep is Kentucky Derby's official drink, and Mitch McConnell is the senator from Kentucky who has blocked legislation to stop Russian interference in US elections, earning him the nickname "Moscow Mitch" among his critics.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elRobRex
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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I had a doctor’s appointment today but it didn’t go so well. All he did was suck blood out of my neck. Don’t go to Dr. Acula.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oliviaj1020
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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Paging

I hope this is the proper venue for this post. If not, feel free to delete me.

This came from when I was doing production lighting. Every once in a while during concert setup the audio tech would need help with mic check. Now the "real" audio guys would always just stand there going "check check check one two". Me being not a real audio guy wanted to have more fun than that, so I would always do "pages" as if I was paging people. But I would use these assumed names. Here is a partial list of names I would use. If you look closely you might notice a familiar u/name or two.

Paging Mister Lobbla … Mister Bob Lobbla (from Arrested Development)

Paging Mister Vitoomey … Mister Lee Vitoomey

Paging Mister Frescoe … Mister Al Frescoe

Paging Miss Haivure … Miss Bee Haivure

Paging Miss Mitch … Miss Miranda Mitch (my random itch - from The Mick?)

Paging Miss Dactyl … Miss Tara Dactyl

Paging Miss Falactec … Miss Anna Falactec

Paging Miss Tonin … Miss Sarah Tonin

Paging Mister Zinette … Mister Ray Zinnette

Paging Mister Reader … Mister Chip Reader

Paging Miss Kiaki … Miss Sue Kiaki

Paging Mister Doffish … Mister Stan Doffish

Paging Mister Debank … Mister Robin Debank

Paging Mister Festo … Mister Manny Festo

Paging Mister Ifornia … Mister Cal Ifornia

Paging Mister Itosis … Mister Hal Itosis

Paging Mister Saroni … Mister Rye Saroni

Paging Mister Nasium … Mister Jim Nasium

Paging Mister Aroon … Mister Mac Aroon

Paging Miss Ester … Miss Polly Ester

Paging Miss Rexia … Miss Anna Rexia

Paging Mister Zapan … Mister Pete Zapan

Paging Mister Tenuff … Mister Jess Tenuff

Paging Miss Eous … Miss Elaine Eous

Paging Mister Aroni … Mister Mac Aroni

Paging Mister Preneur … Mister Andre Preneur

Paging Mister Cetera … Mister Ed Cetera

Paging Mr. Zapple … Mr. Adam Zapple

Paging Mr. Bino … Mr. Al Bino

Paging Miss Slapter … Miss Ida Slapter

Paging Miss Talia … Miss Jenna Talia

Paging Mr. Rafone … Mr. Mike Rafone

Paging Mr. Zark … Mr. Noah Zark

Paging Miss Yoki … Miss Carey Yoki

Paging Mr. Foolery … Mr. Tom Foolery

Paging Mr. Atric … Mr. Jerry Atric

Paging Mr. Duttank … Mr. Phillip Duttank

Paging Mr. Anoma … Mr. Mel Anoma

Paging Mister Jass … Mr. Hugh Jass

Paging Mr. Onella … Mr. Sam Onella

Paging Mr. Maphobe … Mr. Jer Maphobe

Paging Mr. Packa … Mr. Al Packa

Paging Mister Dente … Mister Al Dente

Paging Miss Conda … Miss Anna Conda

Paging Miss Sharalike … Miss Sharon Sharalike

Paging Miss Bellum … Miss Sarah Bellum

Paging Miss Mennopey … Miss

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayZinnet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
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I've always wanted to be a millionaire, just like my dad.

β€”Wow, your dad was a millionaire?

β€”No, but he always wanted to be one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kuebic
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2016
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I've got three kids, ten, eight and five...

Weird names, I know...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2017
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I spilled spot remover on my dog

Now he's gone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twathammer32
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2013
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What do you call a broken escalator?

Stairs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_BlNG_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2016
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Every time we go out to eat. Every... single... time...

Host: "The wait is about 15 minutes. What's the name?"

Dad: "Wild"

--- 15 minutes later ---

Host: "Table ready for the wild party!"

Dad: "Hehehe"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GambitGamer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2014
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Any book is a children's book

if the kid can read.

  • Mitch Hedberg
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2076baseballbat
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2017
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Texted our mom and dad about our frolf game cut short. Classic dad.

Sister: We just got caught in a hail storm frolfing and had to run a mile to the car and Mitch had to cover his eyes because they were so big. It hurt so bad I have welts on my skin.

Dad: sounds like you had one hail of a time!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ice_17
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2014
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Return of dadjokes

My dad's favorite joke in the parties: " I don't know how people cannot take a bath for 7days ...

My body starts itching after 6"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/akgindia
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2015
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Waitress:

Waitress: "My name's Blue Ann if you need anything."

Brother: "What's your name if we don't need anything?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arqideus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2014
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I haven't slept for ten days...

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long." - Mitch Hedberg

I don't know if Mitch was a father, but some of his famous one-liners would make any dad proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/humpier
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2013
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I havent slept for 10 days

Because that would be too long.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/omanater
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2018
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