Mies Puns

Yeti keep doing it.

It's next level.

It's a play on words!

In this space, this pun doesn't belong to him, brother.

In this time, that goddess doesn't own this pun.

You see child, in this existence, they are all: r/puns.✌️

But no pun intended

THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN OSLO!

Friend: I had a dream about a dragon last night. Its name was Fire Fawcett.

Me: It's too bad its name wasn't Uther, since it was a PUNdragon.

Friend: ...

Me: *bows*

If you go to New York and punch the Empire State Building, then according to Newton's third law of dynamics...

The Empire strikes back

My Puns are like paper, they're tearable.

I prefer to think of them as full groan

You hear about that guy who died during his comedy set? I guess he joked to death.

That's how irate them.

I'm working on a great pun but I can't figure out how to finish it, and I haven't had enough sleep (night shift).

"When parting, instead of adios, I'm going to start saying asiago. Yeah I know it's cheesy but..."

Anyone got any good finishers?

The wurst are the best.

I told them the only puns I have going downhill are the ones about skiers and snowboarders.

Thanks in advance!

So storytime... My wife and I were talking about my overuse of puns, and food/cheese puns in particularly (that's goud-a but this one's feta, etc.) I ended up drawing a Venn diagram.

The largest circle was my total puns, inside it was a second circle representing food puns, with a third showing cheese puns. I was trying to show that a majority of all of my puns are food related, and many of those are cheese related.

Something like this: http://i.imgur.com/nPdi07H.jpg

My wife immediately told me I did it wrong, that some of the cheese circle was outside of the food puns.

I told her that those are rare, but are often the cheesiest.

Hi, I'm the president of a high school club called future investors and I need a few puns to accompany an advertisement on facebook/instagram.

Here it is: "Invest your time into something meaningful.. like FUTURE INVESTORS! I promise that you won't be a-loan, as you'll form a lot of bonds (and hopefully have a high ROI) by joining! Don't be a laughing stock and come to our first meeting on 9/19"

I could have done so much butter

... I cantilever.

Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

They're the dadliest

My best friend lives on the East Coast. I’m on the West. He often streams his games over Skype so I can hang out and watch. He was playing the Witcher 3, and fighting the water monster men. I said “They just want to know the shape of you,” and he coincidentally died at that moment.

He got really, really mad. I always knew my puns annoyed him a little, but when I was sad, he’d tell dumb puns he’d google to cheer me up. But he just went into a tangent on how much puns annoy him and how he doesn’t get that I keep doing them over and over again every day whenever I talk with him. Trying to stop or cut back on puns would be pretty difficult and make me sad; I love witty wordplay and commentary, and bottling it up feels awful. But apparently it really, really annoys him.

What should I do?

Not appreciating my puns when I was alive was a grave mistake

Thursday my mom was admitted into the hospital and Friday she was moved into the IVCU (Interventional Cardiac Unit). As I was leaving her for the night I said, "I'll V C-ing U tomorrow". She was too tired to acknowledge my pun, so I posted here.

Me: (my usual set up for a bad pun) I am trying to think a of joke about corn

Mom:don't split any hairs about it

Me: Oh shuck you took my pun.

We had been cooking dinner, and my wife commented (after one too many comments about 'Gouda being gooda and Feta being Betta') that it seemed like most of my puns tend to be food puns.

So I drew her a diagram. I started with a huge circle to represent all of my puns. Inside that I drew a large circle filling about 90% of it.

"Those are my food puns."

I then drew another circle, this one about half the size of the food circle, with almost all of it inside the food circle.

"And these are my cheese puns."

My wife immediately called me out, pointing at the sliver that was outside of the food circle.

"Shouldn't this be fully inside the other circle?"

"No," I say, "Those puns are rare, but they tend to be cheesiest."

But it's okay, I'll take my pun-ishment.

About to throw some meat on the grill and said "I'm so glad we're married." She asked me why, and I replied, " so this won't be a miss-steak." I think I'm eating alone tonight.

UPDATE: she decided to meat me at the table, grill me about my sense of humor and wine about how I wasn't funny. At least my daughter likes my puns.

Her reply to my pun "I can't even with you... because you're odd!"

She was working in the shoe section at a major department store, and after she helped someone find some shoes and purchase them I told her "Wow, you're very sole-ful when selling shoes!" she responded with a bit of a facepalm and groan. I continued to make puns about shoes for several minutes and I finished with "Maybe I could master the feet(feat) of making puns about shoes." I suppose she gets tired of hearing my puns but I love her reactions to them.

I told him I would meet him in the deli because I needed to get food from a different section. We come out of the aisle, right where the packaged meats are (ground beef, sirloins, chicken, etc.) and turn in separate directions. I look at them and notice right away that the overhead lights are on them are not lit. I yell, "Hey, John! John!" and he looks back at me. I point to them and say, "Dark meat". He looks at me confused, looks at them for a second. He then goes "Aaawwwww!" and throws his hat on the ground.

I'm known for my puns, so his reaction was all the better.

So my wife and I were making some fried chicken wings tonight. So I asked her:

Me: "Did you make these from a recipe?"

Her: "Well I didn't just WING it!"

Me: "Haaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! I see what you did there."

Her: "What?" she thinks for a bit and then just gives me a stare.

Later on in the conversation we're discussing how it's been a long day and wings sound good.

Me: "Wings and Alcohol sound like a great combo for today."

Her: "Well it is FRIday."

Me: "Heyoooooo!!!! Nice one."

Her: she just glares at me

....

I secretly think she's an awesome dad. Either that or my puns are infiltrating every corner of her mind.

My professor and I were emailing about the final project I had recently submitted when I decided to take the time to thank her for being so helpful. Professors that make classes easier to understand and add a little humor to their lectures deserve all the praise in the world, and mine was no exception to that. This was also my first class that wasn't a general education course, starting me on an MIS degree.

I emailed her saying something along the lines of,

"Thanks for being so helpful throughout the semester, this was my first MIS class and you really gave me the confidence I needed in knowing I was doing it right."

I followed with "Thanks for making this class so interesting, I will be transferring to (insert new college here) to continue earning my MIS degree. I think it's safe to say you influenced my decision to a certain degree. Hah! Certain degree, get it?"

She called me over after next lecture to tell me how bad my pun was while groaning and chuckling. No regrets.

Me: It’s sew easy!

My Husband: It’s not very sewphisticated!...Do my puns have you in stitches? I’m laughing so hard I’m bobbin my head back and forth.

My Dad: Are you starting to see a pattern here?

Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.

Sorry, wrong sub.

So I packed up my stuff and right

“They’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.”

Getting karma should be easy as cake

Edit: It’s a giant cake day celebration! Happy cake day everyone!!

Ass skin for a friend.

The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!

Can someone tell me why my post was removed?

I'm a bit annoyed about this as it caused my fence to fall over

So I sent him a ‘Get Well Soon!’ card.

I said, “Actually, the process is the same. Apart from their tiny clothes.”

... And came home to us a seasoned Veteran.

Edit : To use a war pun.. " Wow, this really blew up " ...Thanks to all for contributing to this bit of fun. I feel like Granddad now with all the medals.

Regular workers must wear small face shields, while Managers get to use the super-visors.

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house...

I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”

I don't know why he got so mad, sand is pretty hard to write on

I told her to study hard.

But for real. We are trying for our first and need good vibes.

Edit it is a parent all my jokes are now dad jokes Edit 2: thank you all! This made my wife's day since were waiting to tell family

I said yes. The others were all nines and tens.

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

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