Messed Up Puns

I didn't look at her the same way again.

“Dad, any salad can be a Caesar salad. You just have to stab it enough times”.

Don’t worry, it was never supposed to be a piece of cake.

he blue it

But hey, at least I’m now a boullionnaire

Oops, wrong sub

I call him an OxyMoron.

I hate myshelf.

He got car-pull-tunnel syndrome.

I wasn’t thinking straight.

(Explanation) In cards a string of numbers in a row is called a “straight” and so by not thinking straight, I am both being confused and making poor decisions, and am also not thinking about the card combination of the same name.

But to be honest, it was a breath of fresh air.

Oh crêpes!

I guess my taste buds are now just taste acquaintances

He ruined months of in-tents training

and then I thought, "well for you, it'd be a round of a-paws"

I told her to sleep on it and let me know.

They dropped the ball again last night

It's bipolar.

D

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M

He told me, "Looks like they made a McStake"

I torah a new one.

by not titling his newest hit "^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Magic"

Edit: formatting this on mobile was a nightmare

Me: "PETA is a messed up organization" Dad: "Yeah, they focus too much on their bread products" Me: "God dammit"

Wife: "I messed up the back a bit, so it's going to be a bit higher than usual."

Me: "How bad is it off by?"

Wife: "Just a hair."

"Would you like a copy of your card?" "No, I'd like the original, please."