Can one of the Mods please explain to me why my post was removed?
I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over....
I went to see my psychiatrist and told him that "no one understands me."
He said, "What do you mean by that?"
Phil is to blame for this one, nothing to do with me.
“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...
If there is one genre of music that raises me up on some days and gets me down other days
One my dad told me a few days ago
Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet? But most only have four.
Kid just got me with this one
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Owlsays
Owlsays who?
Yeah, thats exactly what an owl says!
My one friend told me that even though I decorate the church for the holidays...
I probably shouldn't go around calling myself a proud cross dresser.
My uncle told me this one
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your genes
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
I know this is an old one, but my dad got me with this when I was a kid and I just used it on my son (he loved it): Why do they put walls around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in!
Dad told me this one last night
Alright so yesterday at dinner my mom and dad told me and my sister that they decided that we would indeed drive to Florida and stay there and rent a place for a few months. The home they picked out is in the same community as my grandparents, I am all happy about this except for the part where we have to drive 1000 miles over 15 hours of driving. So anyway after my sister and I ask some questions about the place he says
“did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet, but most have four”
My wife asked me if she's the only one I've been with.
I said yes. The others were all nines and tens.
One melon turns to the other and asks, "Will you marry me?"
The other responds, "Yes, but we cantaloupe."
Me: one day you will inherit all these priceless family heirlooms
My dumbass kid: dad these are vape pens
Me: no they are the family juuls
Paint me like one of your French ghouls
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him
everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
My brother told me this one ;-;
My great uncle died the other night. He lost too much blood and the doctors couldn't find a donor because they didn't know his blood type. However, the whole time, my great uncle was cheering them on saying, "Be Positive!"
My grandpa always told me "when one door closes another one opens."
A lovely and inspiring man...makes shit cabinets though.
Me: "How do I get one of those singing groups?"
Director: "you mean a choir?"
Me: exasperated sigh yes, fine. How do aquire one of those singing groups?
There once was a record store. The owner was seventy-four. One day he fell ill then wrote in his will , “bury me with records galore”
It was his vinyl resting place
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
My FIL just got me with this one
I love camping because I get to eat out every night
I once asked a ninja if he could toss me one of those little stars.
My 7 y/o told me this one tonight: What did the manager say when he came out of the closet?
My buddy said 'There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me.'
I asked, 'Which is?'
'Exactly', he replied.
My professor asked me why did I put only one of the three authors as a reference.
I said that I didn’t feel tempted to do so et. al
If there’s one thing that always makes me throw up...
It’s a dart board on the ceiling
My friend is always trying to one-up me.
Sometimes it gets to be a little three much.
There's only one thing that scares me about Halloween
This one is driving me crazy...
When I Was A Child Santa Gave Me Coal One Year For Christmas, So I Poisoned His Cookies And Milk
Somehow he found out and killed my dad!
My son helped me out with this one. What do doors spread on their toast?
Jamb.
Thanks u/rerunthedj
My wife showed me two quilts, and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
My boyfriend gave me a butt massage today, but only focused on one cheek...
Hope this one doesn’t blow up on me.
One day in the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance...
This one gave me a good chuckle
My kid told me this one
How do you turn 6 into 9?
Take away the s!
One time my friends really wanted me to join them for a fishing excursion. I didn't want to at first but eventually joined them...
I am afraid that I succumbed to pier pressure.
My son was rejected from Indiana University. Feeling persistent, he asked me if he should call one of the advisors and plead for admission.
I told him beggars can’t be Hoosiers.
One of my students told me that all of his classmates are turning into Batman because of Covid
They are all either wearing a mask or their parents are dead.
My dad just told me this one: Two WiFi engineer friends of mine just got married.
The wedding was ok, but the reception was fantastic!
As we sat down for lunch, I proudly announced to my daughter, "Little known fact, the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France!" Unimpressed, she ignored me and kept eating. Not being one to give up, I continued...
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
If there's one thing that makes me throw up...
it's a dart board on a ceiling.
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