I'm surprised Metallica hasn't been on Sesame Street,

After all they are the Master of Puppets.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Awesomealan11
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Apparently there’s a group down the street that’s amazing at grabbing things, but they refuse to do it when I’m around.

They never seize to amaze me

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/solemnbiscuit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I want to find a street called "Sunshine" and walk down it just so I can sing "I'm walkin on Sunshine."!
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/UnicornNYEH
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
🚨︎ report
I’m currently in Montreal, Canada and just found this place across the street. I wonder if they serve Russian style poutines?
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/anniemay_13
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm a street performer at the Minnesota Renaissance Festival. I tell punny jokes there, thought you'd enjoy them.

The King is in love with the Spanish Armada, in fact you could say he warships it.

I got into a fight with a group of jesters, I escaped by going for the juggler.

I recently read "Gulliver's Travels" it was a Swift read.

Have you read the book about traveling through hell? It's a Dante-ing read.

Q: How many animals can you fight into the Lord High Sheriff's tights? A: Ten piggies, two calves, a rooster and an ass.

Vikings raided the royal cheese supply, they left nothing behind but de Brie.

I met a wizard, I told him he looked like a mana action.

The unskilled mason forget to put a water supply in the new castle. He did not keep well.

The angry archer was so surly he had everyone convinced he was a cross bowman.

The failed stone cutter also lost his job as a bounty hunter. He could never find his quarry.

The nun kept spilling sacramental wine on herself. She made a bad habit of it.

The pope enjoys chocolate on his boat. He like sailing indulgences.

The pope loves summer, they say he is infallible.

Two fae fell in love. They keep fauning over each other.

The knight suffered from boils, he had to get them lanced.

Why did the wood nymph use some much lotion? Because she had dryad skin.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kbdekker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2016
🚨︎ report
In the abandoned building down the street from "Tailor Swift" I'm going to open a sketchy-looking alteration service...

called Seams Legit.

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thegodawfultruth
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2016
🚨︎ report
I tried street racing once and lost.

I was out of breath after two blocks, but the street kept going for miles.

πŸ‘︎ 65
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Wheuss
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Why hasn't U2 found what are looking for?

Because the streets have no name.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Toph125
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I saw a guy drop all his Scrabble letters across the road.

I had to ask him, what's the word on the street.

πŸ‘︎ 102
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
A blind man walks into a bar

Then he walks into a table

Then he walks into a table leg

Then he walks into wood

Then he walks into wood cells

Then he walks into wood DNA

Then he walks into a molecule

Then he walks into a atom

Then he walks into a qwark

Then he walks into a cosmic string

Then he walks into a multiverse

Then he walks into a universe

Then he walks into a galactic supercluster

Then he walks into a galaxy

Then he walks into a stellar system

Then he walks into a planet

Then he walks into a continent

Then he walks into a country

Then he walks into a region

Then he walks into a city

Then he walks into a street

Then he walks into a bar

ANDTHECYCLECONTINUES ANDTHECYCLECONTINUES ANDTHECYCLECONTINUES ANDTHECYCLECONTINUES ANDTHECYCLECONTINUES ANDTHECYCLECONTINUES ANDTHECYCLECONTINUES

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_Arab_Obama_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I've been using my new U2 navigation system this week and it's the worst...

The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!

πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VAOkie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
The inventor of the crossword puzzle lives near me...

He's 3 streets across and 2 down.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Dustin Hoffman gets chosen for a role of playing an much older Joaquin Phoenix.

In one particular scene he’s strolling down a busy street in NYC and a taxi almost hits him. He slams the hood of the taxi and yells

Hey I’m Joaquin here!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dyspaereunia
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Where do you get tired laying down?

In the street

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
A guy goes for a drive and his car stalls...

...right in front of a house where there’s a huge party going on. He walks in and notices that the party is somewhat divided. There’s a clear distinction between the people waiting for the bathroom and the people queued up for drinks, etc.

Considering the urgency of the bathroom queue, he walks over to the drinks table and asks everyone there if they wouldn’t mind helping him push his car to get it started. They agree but even with the full might of several people, the car doesn’t budge. He thanks them for trying and they all head back inside.

A little while later, the doorbell rings. The man sees the host open the door to the largest pizza guy he’s ever seen. The behemoth is holding 15 pizzas with one hand, a pallet of buffalo wings with the other, with a keg strapped to each shoulder. The man jumps up and asks the pizza guy for his help pushing the car. He agrees and they head to the street.

With barely one touch of a pinky on one hand, the car lurches forward and starts right up. The man drives off, waving behind him and yelling a quick, β€œThank you.”

As he catches sight of the party fading into the distance, he says to himself...

β€œThank goodness for the delivery because that punch line sure is weak.”

πŸ‘︎ 989
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/silashoulder
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can’t you like an atom? βš›οΈ

Because they literally make-up everything.

Shout out to my 9yo daughter who came up with this banger all by herself. For the street cred, kid! Happy Friday all!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/2aireishuman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought "the streets are strangely desserted tonight."

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Whlightning
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A joke I came up with when I was waking up this morning.

Two guys were walking down the street towards one another, the second guy bumps into the first guy and the first guy goes "Ayee, watch it. I'm Walken 'ere" and the second guy goes "oh, sorry Christopher"

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ninjalord25
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

Bump…

Bump…

Bump…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.

Faster…

Faster…

FASTER…

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!

And…

The coffin stops….

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ParadoxXSchock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My son thinks I'm so cool for being able to talk like Cookie Monster and Elmo.

I guess you could say I have Sesame Street cred.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/salawm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
An American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German man are all watching a street performer

The street performer notices the four men are very far to the back and cannot see, so he stands on a box and continues his performance while asking, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Si."

"Ja."

πŸ‘︎ 106
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
So, I was in a coffee shop drinking tea, and when I reached down to tie my shoe, my tea was gone!

I saw this guy with the same cup as me and chased him down the street. Finally caught up with him and realized...that’s not my cup of tea

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AwwwwwwYeahhhhhhh
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Two pieces of string slither into a bar...

They climb up a couple of bar stools and have a seat. One of them says to the bartender, "Hey, give me and my partner here a beer would you?"

The bartender replied, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So they climb down off of the bar stools and slither across the floor and out of the bar.

One says to the other,"Lets go down the street. I know of a better bar than this one anyways."

"Now wait a minute, said the other string.This is clearly discrimination!"

"Well what do you intend to do about it?"said the other string?

"I'm going to go back in with a disguise and I'll get that damn beer." So he ties himself in a knot, frazzles up one end of himself,goes back into the bar,slithers across the floor and climbs up the bar stool. He says to the bartender, "I'd like a beer please."

The bartender says," Wait a minute . Aren't you the same piece of string that was in here a while ago?"

So the string said, "No.I'm a frayed knot.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Italian restaurants

Two Italian restaurants operated on the same street. The other chef was certain that the other one had stolen his recipes so he payed a visit at his competitor’s restaurant.

He got served with nice plate of spaghetti and the waitress said: β€œThis full pl8, I’m sure you can appreci8. It’s so gr8. Now just dig in don’t hesit8, I sure you don’t want to w8”.

The chef looked at the waitress and asked: β€œIs that a copypasta?”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-KFAD-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A church was hiring a new bell ringer

And they interviewed an applicant named Stan. Stan had no arms due to an accident so the hiring manager asked how he would ever be able to do the job.

"I'll show you",said Stan.

They walked up flight after flight of stairs to the Bell tower all the while the manager wondered how Stan would ever be able to do the job. His questions were soon answered when after reaching the Bell tower, Stan took off running striking the bell face first. Gooong goes the bell. Stan picks himself up, takes off running face first at the bell, Gooong.

"Hold, on. You'll hurt yourself."

"I'm tough," said Stan, " "and I really needed this job"

"Ok," said the manager, leaving Stan to do the job.

All day the bell rang on the hour correctly and the manager thought too soon that he had misjudged Stan. Finally, at six in the evening there were only three gongs, then a commotion. Going out to see what was going on he found Stan dead on the street below. Apparently he had become disoriented from head trauma and missed the bell entirely falling to the street below.

"Who was this man, Who was he?" asked the crowd.

Not wanting to admit liability for the accident, the manager said "I don't know."

"But his face sure rings a bell"

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/a_pos-tmodern_man
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My Son: Want to hear a fun fact?

Me: Sure, tell me one son. My Son: Did you know that Lincoln had a guard with him at the theater where he was shot, but that the guard left to go across the street to have a drink and that's why Lincoln wasn't guarded when he was shot? Me: No, son, I had no idea. My Son: But that's not all. It was the same bar that John Wilkes Booth was waiting in before going to kill the president. Me: So did they see each other? My Son: I'm not sure dad. I'm thinking Booth might have been waiting to see if he would come in before he went over to shoot Lincoln. Me: I wonder if the guard came in, and Booth ask him if he could buy him a shot?!?!? My Son: audibly smacks head

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jackrabbits1im
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve been getting into selling socks recently

You know, the ones on Wool Street

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/diggy0101n
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
We were moving some boxes to my son's car, when he dropped a Scrabble game and the letters scattered everywhere. So I asked him...

"What's the word on the street?!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
The school made the use of "bullet points" illegal because it incited violence in the classroom, and I must admit I couldn't have cared less. That's all changed now, though.

The bus driver isn't allowed to drive my kids anymore because we live on a dead end street.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Point finger: β€œwhat’s that?”

My two year old pointed across the street and asked, β€œwhat’s that?”

I tried to guess and he is often trying to learn the names of things. β€œA tree? A car? Grass? A bird?”

No to all of them.

Then he said, β€œit’s a finger.”

I got dad joked by my two year old.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I picked up a U2 version of Monopoly at a garage sale.

It's rubbish. The streets have no name.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Yesterday someone told me that whatever job I do at my bank isn't a fancy one, so I decided to do something about it.

I shifted my seat to look out of the window to stare at the wall directly across the street.

Imma wall street banker now

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stent_kush
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I was surprised about a pair of sunglasses on the road today

I got them for free, but that's way below street value

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MajorTom314
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
While I was walking the dog, our 4 yo was harassing my wife for a treat. She texted β€œShe’s trying to get a popsicle out of me.”

I responded β€œBut you’re not a freezer.”

I could feel the eye roll down the street.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/976chip
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you Call a monkey slut?

She belongs to the streets

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fhddidk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are there no cars in Minecraft?

Because the streets are blocked off.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
The leader of a small settlement had a good life

People were greeting him on the street and were willing to help him when needed. He was respected. He was not waiting in line at the supermarket. He had discounts to all shops he visited. He even had priority in choosing which girl to spend the night with..

However, soon more people started coming to that place. The settlement became bigger, more like a village. The newcomers actually did not care that much about the leader. He was slowly becoming more irrelevant, more equal to everyone else.

He had lost his pre-village.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hornyonion
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the rapper that had a weird asphalt fetish?

He came from the streets.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ivytheblindhusky
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad’s Big Day Out

I witnessed an apple store robbery today, they made me an iWitness. I was already running late, after my wife took my cheese this morning. Even after I told her it was Nacho cheese. She asked what time my dentist appointment was, I told her Tooth hurt-y. But I didn’t end up going, as there was stairs I had to ascend. I don’t trust them, they’re always up to something. Then my wife got really mad at me and said that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

I went straight to the barber for a new look. He asked me if I wanted a haircut? I said no, I want them all cut. Puzzled he would ask such a silly question, I noticed the graveyard across the street looking overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there I thought. I picked up a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down! Shear amazement a barber would have a book like this! I told the barber I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me. He stopped cutting my hair when my ear fell off. He must of realised I was a leper at this point so I paid for his service and told him to keep the tip.

I received a call from my Eastern European mother in law, apparently my child was refusing to sleep during nap time. She told me he’s guilty of resisting a rest. Then she called me straight back to say there was a kidnapping. I rushed to her home to find my kid napping. I was angry by the miscommunication but that anger turned to joy when I realised it was the first day of spring. I got so excited I wet my plants. After which I realised I was late for soccer practice. I’m not a big fan of the sport but I was doing it for the kicks. I decided not to go as I was tired from the night before where I spent the night looking for the sun. Then it dawned on me. Unusual for me, as I’m usually a pretty good sleeper. I can do it with my eyes closed.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lovethebigones
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Remember Matt Damon?

I met a stranger oβ€Œβ€Œn tβ€Œβ€Œhe tβ€Œβ€Œube tβ€Œβ€Œhe oβ€Œβ€Œther dβ€Œβ€Œay. He didn't say 'hello', as a normal person might. Instead, he sβ€Œβ€Œaid, "β€Œβ€ŒRemember Matt Damon".

That seems a little bit weird... but it gets weirder. The next day, I passed the same fellow on the street, while I was out walking my dog. He called out to me once again, "Remember Matt Damon".

But I finally cracked it and called the cops after the SAME guy tβ€Œβ€Œapped oβ€Œβ€Œn mβ€Œβ€Œy bedroom wβ€Œβ€Œindow, aβ€Œβ€Œt 1β€Œβ€Œ1.30 pm last nβ€Œβ€Œight. He called to me, loud enough for me to clearly hear him through the glass, "β€Œβ€ŒRemember Matt Damon."

My conversation with the police then went like this:

Me: Officer, I think I have a stalker.

Policeman: can you tell me anything about this person?

Me: Well... uhhh... he reminds me of Matt Damon...

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A hearse is driving up a very steep street

A hearse is driving up a very steep street and once it gets near the top, the back door opens up and the coffin comes shooting out of the hearse and rolls down the street.

People are diving out of the way, cars are swerving, it’s chaos! By the time it reaches the bottom of the hill it has picked up a lot of speed and crashes into a wall surrounded by people.

The door pops open, the body sits up and says β€œDo you have anything to stop this coughin?”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/countryroads8484
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Shout-out to all the sidewalks

They've really kept me off the streets

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lordofthstrings
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Walking home last night, I passed a slice of apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought to myself, β€œThe streets seem strangely desserted…”

πŸ‘︎ 180
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Retgits
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I just want to give a shout out to sidewalks

For keeping me off the streets

πŸ‘︎ 445
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do rappers like sidewalks?

They kept them off the streets.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Billy35365
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his scrabble letters while walking down the road.

I asked him, β€œWhat’s the word on the street?”

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yaokyle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a copy of MS Office, but I dropped it on the road going back to my car...

...well, that's the Word on the street.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.