I have a plan to live on two bucks for the whole next year.
Step 1: get a hunting license.
We live in Colorado and took my son outside today to play hide and seek for the first time. I pointed at the Rockies, looked him dead in the eye and said, "Under no circumstances can we allow them to play!" Confused, he ask why, so I explained, "Well, you see...
I live for dried grapes.
They are my raisin d'etre...
Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free?
Because they're not tenants
Did you know, some fleas spend their lives jumping for the moon?
My friend Adam was telling me how, in addition to marrying a hot super model whose daddy bought the house he lives in and the car he drives just for marrying his daughter, he was also sexing up a hot stewardess. I found it hard to believe...
Because Adams make up everything!
And now for some “in-depth” coverage, let’s go live to our reporter.
For the first time in their lives.
All blind people can read in 2020
This pun is for all of the Redditors who live in...
I live in an apartment building, and my neighbour, Nami, on the floor above me, managed to flood my entire apartment! There are practically tidal waves in my kitchen. She refuses to pay for the cleanup, too.
I don't know if this was the right choice, but I decided to tsunami.
Salmon are born in a river, swim out to sea for most of their lives, and then one day years later swim back against insurmountable odds to the very spot where they were born.
And I can’t find my car in the parking lot.
I'm addicted to robbing chemistry stores. It is what I live for. I know that it's illegal, I know that it's dangerous. I've even nearly been killed a couple of times. But I don't care,
Why did Bilbo live on for so long even after Frodo took the One Ring away from him?
Because old hobbits die hard!
What do you call an eviction notice for a person who lives inside a ball-shaped house and got hurt by a fighting move
Watching bears fish for salmon in Alaska live on YouTube when my GF asks what I'm watching.
What do you call someone who works for their parents, but still lives at home?
I never did care for the old Chinese woman that lives down the street.
But I must respect the elder Lee.
Graduated Sunday. Will live in infamy for explaining why it was so hot in the stadium.
Because there's over a thousand degrees.
Everybody around me heard that and groaned. The guy in front of me stared back like, "you've gotta be kidding me"
I let a homeless mouse live on my clock for a few weeks while he pulls his life back together
He’s living on borrowed time
Turtles live for so long because they have an excellent shellf life.
Crime is getting worse where I live, so my dad decided to give me some protection and boxed up his trusty 9mm, a big and a small clip and a bunch of shells for me! [Xpost /r/funny]
https://imgur.com/2ylrnpK
If it's been raining where you live, watch out for pilgrims
It's that time of year; April showers bring Mayflowers
I asked my dad how long deers live for...
"Hey dad, how long do deers live for?"
"I don't know but if I were to guess at least 10 deers"
"God damnit dad"
The retirement center where my elderly grandmother lives has an annual 4th-of-July ball for the residents.
We call it "In Depends Dance Day."
I live for these moments...
walking through a parking lot
Daughter: That's a really small car.
Me: Oh, that's a Mazda Miata.
Daughter: What's a Miata?
Me: Nothing, what's a Miata with you?!
My dad's starting a new dating service for people who live in Eastern Virginia
He's going to call it Chesapeake BAE
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