Boss: "what's that?", Me: (with much enthusiasm) "it's a SPACE BAR!!!!!" *wets myself laughing*, Boss: "...................." *delivers withering look* "are you allowed to stick things on your laptop?", Me: *dies inside at another badly landed pun*
π︎ 111
π
︎ Nov 16 2018
Well that crash landed
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Apr 21 2020
I was going to grow my own tabacco for smoking, but I don't have enough land.
I guess it's just a pipe dream.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 18 2020
The moon landing never happened!
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jul 07 2020
I'm making a new documentary series on how to fly an aeroplane
We're currently filming the pilot
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Jul 07 2020
(1) What type of airplane bounces back up when it crash lands?
π︎ 35
π
︎ Jun 04 2020
I hear that Neil Armstrong was very comfortable when he landed on the Moon.
And from the pictures I saw, his suit does seem like it has a lot of space inside
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 20 2020
The government is finally allowing Lego Land to reopen...
...kids are lining up for blocks.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Jun 04 2020
What do you call a large land animal that doesnβt matter?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jun 04 2020
A queen went travelling to a foreign land. She asked her two ladies in waiting to clean for each other while she was gone, so they wouldn't be out of practice when she got back. When she returned, the two had fallen in love and gotten married.
They were maid for each other.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 19 2020
What should be the 2017 Oscars La la Land - Moonlight controversy renamed as?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 14 2020
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 03 2020
Did you hear about the financial analyst who went skydiving but missed the landing spot by a mile?
He was an expert in the field
Edit: I made this up myself!
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 27 2020
Whatβs big, green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls on you out of a tree?
π︎ 129
π
︎ Jul 22 2020
After the pilot had a sudden heart attack, an air traffic controller had to coach a passenger in landing a cargo jet full of various cuts of select Kobe beef
The steaks had never been higher
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 21 2020
Gave my wife a dart and a map, "once this is over, I'll take you anywhere this lands"...
I guess we're going behind the fridge for two weeks!
π︎ 32
π
︎ Mar 30 2020
It is today that we honor the brave men and women of the RMS Titanic, which would have landed at port in Mexico 108 years ago with the largest ever single shipment of mayonnaise; we honor this day.....
π︎ 9
π
︎ May 05 2020
A suspicious looking spacecraft landed on Earth to bring back to life ray-finned fish. But one spacecraft wasn't sufficient, so more arrived.
I think it was extra to restore eels
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 01 2020
My friend asked if I could explain what the land beside the sea was.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Apr 16 2020
Could the Uyghurs expand throughout the vast lands of Eurasia?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 04 2020
Why was the miner so determined to complete digging on a second plot of land?
Because he had one tract mined.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 29 2020
A mosquito landed on my wife's face...
Easiest decision of my life.
π︎ 33
π
︎ Jan 15 2020
I can "see" that.
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Feb 20 2020
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 24 2020
Some people say the land North of Texas is pretty rough
π︎ 40
π
︎ Jan 10 2020
I just landed a small supporting role in an upcoming movie about the COVID-19 pandemic.
I guess you could say I'm going to be a Corona Extra.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 17 2020
A guy in work asked why my son had given up his flying lessons.
I told him pilot jobs aren't really taking off at the moment.
π︎ 155
π
︎ May 28 2020
A hawk landed on my head yesterday
It was perfect because I thought I needed some mohawk.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Feb 27 2020
What does a white man say when he gets more land?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 24 2020
This is where getting high every day will land you
π︎ 35
π
︎ Dec 24 2019
A family drove to Disney Land, but they turned back and drove away
Because they saw the sign, "Disney Land left"
π︎ 10
π
︎ Feb 17 2020
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Dec 30 2019
I flipped a coin 15 times and it always landed on tails.
I'm starting to think that it's more than just a coin-cidence.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Jan 02 2020
A fly landed on the edge of a urinal and fell in.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 09 2020
What happened to the guy that sold land mines shaped like prayer maps?
The prophets were through the roof
π︎ 13
π
︎ Dec 08 2019
I can't believe my ex wanted the expanse of open rolling infertile land in addition to my trailer home...
She wanted my mansion and moor!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 09 2020
What do you call extraterrestrials thatve crash-landed their vehicle?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 07 2020
I met a pilot once who said he actually wanted to be a sailor.
He was in the wrong craft.
π︎ 255
π
︎ Apr 21 2020
I was on a family vacation in Japan when I slept in one day. My dad flung open my door and told me to wake up. I said, βDad, what do you think this is?...
...the Land of the Rising Son?β
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jul 20 2020
Today I taught my son what it means to own a parcel of land.
He was very appreciative. He said thanks, that means a lot.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jan 06 2020
La La Land
https://preview.redd.it/vqrhmb5n0p041.png?width=1508&format=png&auto=webp&s=0014f34cd14db921a6d037b7f7d1801d888a15de
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 24 2019
The plane I was on had a fairly hard landing...
Flight attendant gets on the intercom:
βThat was not the Captainβs fault. That was not our fault. That was the asphalt.β
π︎ 19
π
︎ Dec 22 2019
Peter Pan Puns
I came up with two today, be warned they are punishing.
Why are the Lost Boys so poor?
It's because they can Never Land a job.
How did Peter Pan get so fat?
He keeps eating out at Wendy's.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 03 2020
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coronerβs office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby flyβs eyes and said,
βNobody puts baby in a coronerβ
π︎ 29
π
︎ Oct 11 2019
I'm wondering what to do about my area of land
It's just a lot to consider
π︎ 17
π
︎ Nov 08 2019
I have had a decorator in this week. Turns out he is normally a Pilot for BA, but has been furloughed due to Corona.
He did a lovely job of the landing.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jun 11 2020
Had a painter round. He said he was a laid off US Airline pilot ..
Made a great job of the landing ..
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 11 2020
What really happened during the moon landing
π︎ 21
π
︎ Sep 21 2019
When we reached the narrow strip of land with sea on either side...
I knew Ithmus be the place.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 11 2019
"We don't need a fishy super hero!" The land locked victims exclaimed.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 19 2019
Weβve just had a decorator in to do some work on the house. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot whoβs been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.
He made a lovely job of the landing.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 09 2020
I had a dream I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda...
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 12 2020
Hawaii used to be part of a group of 5 identical land masses.
The other four were called Hawhoii, Hawhereii, Hawhatii, and Hawhenii.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 13 2019
Where do you find the best neck accessories?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 30 2020
doctor 1: this sailor broke his nose from crashing onto land.
doctor 1: Luckily they're just mariner injuries.
doctor 2: are you shore? they seem pretty bad to me.
doctor 1: nonsense, you can seafarer self.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 19 2019
I finally got to cash in on a joke today that Iβve been looking for a reason to use for years
Background: My family was at the lake today. The lake was a little choppy today so when we went on the boat we hit one really big wave where the front end of the boat came crashing down hard. My nephew (7) just happened to be sitting on a cup holder and it hurt his butt when we landed.
We got back to the house and my nephew said...
Nephew: my butt hurts. I think its broken.
Me: did I ever tell you about the time I broke my butt?
Nephew: no. Is it still broken?
Me: yeah. Thereβs a big crack in it still.
He didnβt get it. But all the other adults laughed/rolled their eyes. Stupid joke I know, but I donβt care.
π︎ 9
π
︎ May 31 2020
Do you know where the first bovine astronauts landed?
π︎ 39
π
︎ Jun 22 2019
What did the two maple trees get in trouble for when they crossed onto a farmerβs land?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 10 2019
Public opinion was favorable for local farmer banning outsiders access to hills filled with mushroom on his land.
He had the morel high ground.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 06 2019
If someone falls out of the sky, and lands on a church...
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 16 2019
What sound does a 777 make as it lands?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 26 2019
My wife drops me off in front of a restaurant in our Land Rover. Another patron notices the car and says, βThat must have been an expensive uber.β
To which I replied: βtell me about it. Iβve been with her for 20 years.β
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 23 2019
The moon landing is obviously fake
Like cβmon the moon is still up there. It never landed.
π︎ 55
π
︎ Jun 08 2019
I thought someone was joking when they said there was a land full of Jewish people.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Oct 13 2019
the land of frogs
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jul 28 2019
Nether Lands
π︎ 21
π
︎ Jul 26 2019
I invented a new myth to delight my kids
There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee. Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. His knee immediately became metallic and the sudden change to his blood pressure caused almost instantaneous death.
Later in the morgue the Coroner noted that it was a classic example of situational iron knee.
π︎ 23
π
︎ May 27 2020
Why is the ocean salty?
Because the land didnβt wave back.
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 15 2020
What do you call a double decker airplane that bounces on the runway while it lands?
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jul 20 2019
While watching TV Land I turned to my son and said
gee, commercials back then sure were good at predicting the future.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 18 2019
What is it called when you sit on a toilet?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 04 2020
I went to Star Wars land last week and tried a wookiee cookie. It was pretty good...
π︎ 13
π
︎ Sep 24 2019
Just had a painter and decorator round, hes a furloughed Virgin Atlantic pilot.
He made a lovely job of the landing....
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 13 2020
What happens when a coin lands on its side?
I can't make heads or tails of it.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 07 2019
Me: Dad, are you excited for the 50th anniversary of the lunar landing today???
π︎ 42
π
︎ Jul 20 2019
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.
The doctor says it's terminal.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Aug 21 2019
The joke has landed
π︎ 49
π
︎ Apr 12 2019
I was with my friend Philip and we had a lot of waste we needed to dispose of.
"Where's the nearest landfill?" I asked.
"There's land everywhere," he replied.
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 24 2020
Why is Peter pan always flying?
π︎ 14
π
︎ May 15 2020
Ξ man fell into a coma today when a pile of books landed on his head.
The authorities report that the man had only his shelf to blame.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 11 2019
What do you call it when a peice of land gets thicker?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 04 2019
I was skeptical when someone told me that there is a land full of Jews
π︎ 67
π
︎ Apr 15 2019
My daughter dropped her pill and it landed on my foot
I said "don't worry hun, you're a foot closer to taking it"
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 02 2019
Iβm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane...
Iβm currently filming the pilot.
π︎ 277
π
︎ Jun 19 2020
Did you hear about the business selling land mines disguised as prayer mats?
The prophets are through the roof!
π︎ 35
π
︎ Oct 08 2019
Whatβs green, has four legs, and is deadly when it jumps on you?
π︎ 387
π
︎ Feb 18 2020
The moon landing never happened
π︎ 14
π
︎ Oct 04 2019
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