King & King Puns

And it’s fu*king discussing

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

No, son, I got all the old ones f-king cut too. Idiot.

Me: "Of course it will get bigger"

Her: "Oh, why do you think that?"

Me: "Because, your body will upgrade from a queen size womb to a king size womb"

The king and queen of clubs

Charles becomes the King formerly known as Prince.

The king offered him a free palace stein

Pho-king good!

The par-king space.

Helper: Excuse me sir, can I help you with something?

Louie: No, I'm just Louie King.

It's so pho-king good

Stephen King.

King's Crustation

I guess you can do anything if you're Sofa King Rich.

Bye, king. I must go.

Sofa King

Because they are Sofa King good.

Someone shouted “All hail the king”

The Z-kings

Son: Hiking?

Dad: I'm not king, I'm dad.

It’s become a Pho King joke.

i'd tell you a joke about bones. but it probably wont be a humerus as it should be. tibia honest, it doesnt have a lot of back bone put into it. it'll just make me seem like a numb skull anyways so, imma go skullking in the bar. see ya

King of the heal

One says to the other Cow "Nice day isnt it?"

The other Cow says "f**king hell a talking Cow"

I'm a teacher and a child was acting new I could tell because his fake name was Joe , Joe king

Ass King for a friend.

Because I'm faux king awesome

...so he called in his court wizard to devise a means of defense. The wizard set to work at once. First, he wove a net, tightly so that nothing could escape. Then he traveled to the nearby lake.

For three days, he went to the edge of a dock, and cast his net into the water. Each time, he collected many small fish, until he had gathered thousands.

He then took the fish to his study, and carefully processed them, crushing them into a sticky paste. Warming the paste, he began to lather it across the walls of the maze.

When the king learned of this, he was very angry.

"How dare you cover my walls with fish paste!" he said.

The wizard replied, "But sire, everyone knows to protect a labyrinth, one must use a minnow tar."

From my friend and former coworker Jim. The "king" of dad jokes.

The king had the left hand of his servant removed for stealing. Now he the king's right hand man.

The Lion King - Mufasa couldn't hang on to a cliff to save his life.

Queen: let’s go sleep now

King: no I need a name for my soldiers

Queen: k night

King: OMG babe ur a genius

He was number one. He was so good, he was about to break into Hollywood.

Then his kitchen caught fire and he died.

It was incredibly tragic.

Suddenly he was reborn, brighter and better than before.

He was Wok King Phoenix.

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

King Tootankhamun

It just doesn’t pay to be the Par King.

While the king was trying to decide what to name its guards, his wife walked into the room. She said “honey, I’m going to bed.” The king was preoccupied with his thinking and shortly said “k. Night.” Then moments later went “babe you’re a genius! Knight!”

King’s Landing

Mom: Milk day?.... O honey you mean Martin Luther King Day! He was a famous civil rights leader.

Kid: O yea I know him! He said “I have a dream”

Dad: yes, “I have a dream that one day milk and chocolate milk will live in harmony.”

Actual conversation last night

A serf board

What does the king do when he dislikes their recommendations?

He hangs ten

I left them in the Par King lot.

He was sofa king comfortable.

((To be played back and forth with a friend as questions and answers))

[499.]

What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? [1. Open door. 2. Put elephant in. 3. Close door.]

What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator? [1. Open door. 2. Remove elephant. 3. Put giraffe in. 4. Close door.]

All the animals attend a birthday party for the king of the jungle, except one. Who didn’t attend? [The giraffe. He’s still in the refrigerator.]

A girl swims across an alligator infested river, but safely makes it to the other side. How was that possible? [All the alligators were at the birthday party.]

The girls still dies though, how come? [The one brick from the airplane fell on her head.]

A new tomb has been discovered in the valley of the kings, Egypt. The grave goods seem to consist purely of ancient chocolate and nuts. Apparently, the tomb belonged to the 'Pharaoh Rocher'.

This year Was a symphony! We had aunts, and two grandmas join in for a seriously epic camel disaster for the kids to discover tomorrow. Feeling proud of my dad skills.

Photos here:

https://imgur.com/gallery/b8sILu3

Edit: the oldest is 5. We celebrated a day early so their aunt could be here. The real 3 kings day is tomorrow. Don’t tell the wise men!

According to the rules the queen protects the king.

The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

Thank you Stephen King for this wonderful joke.

You are under my toot-elage. (Or: I am your toot-or.)

Bonus joke: If we fart together in the Valley of the Kings, we have a toot-in-common (Tutankhamun).

Hey Have mother in laws 50th birthday coming up. We are getting T-Shirts made up and we want to have T-Shirts made up for the guests and one made up for the mother in law. Her name is Jo King.

We are having thoughts on

She is turning 50? You gotta be JoKing for the guest T-Shirt

I’m Jo King and I’m turning 50 for the mother in law shirt.

Any better ideas then this?

BORGer King!

Nah just Joe King

King Phillip the Third

King Philip III

1. A brick fell out from an areoplane carrying 100 bricks. How many are left?
2. How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
3. How do you put a giraffe into the fridge?
4. The Lion King had a bid ceremony but only one animal that did not attend. What was the animal?
5. An adventurer wanted to cross a river fulled with crocodiles. But he is not hurt after crossing the river. Why?
6. The adventurer dies after he walked away from the river. Why?

Answers

1. 99 left
2. Open the fridge, put it in, close the fridge.
3. Open the fridge, take the elephant out, put it in, close the fridge.
4. The giraffe.
5. Because all the crocodile went to the ceremony.
6. The brick fell on him and killed him.

The stoc-KING

King kong fu

King Kong

There once was a princess named Emily, but the royal family called her Em for short. One day the king posed a riddle in order to choose a suitor for his eldest daughter, Elizabeth. The riddle was as follows:

Elizabeth has two apples, and Emily has one apple. Emily gives Elizabeth her apple as a wedding gift. How might you calculate the total amount of apples Elizabeth has presently?

Many days passed and no one could figure out the answer. Of course, on the first day a man came and answered, “Sire, to calculate the amount of apples Elizabeth has, you must add Emily’s apple.” He was promptly executed.

After this, the kingdom was stumped. Nobody knew how to calculate Elizabeth’s apples if the answer was not to simply to add Emily’s apple, and none dared to try and answer unless they were absolutely sure of it.

One night, a young man, determined to find the answer, climbed up the palace walls to watch the royal family as they ate.

“Father,” said Emily, “have you made the riddle too hard? No one has been able to guess it yet.”

“No worries Em,” responded the king, I have confidence that the time will come soon.”

The young man descended the wall, having learned the secret to the riddle.

The next day, dressed In his finest clothes, the young man approached the king with the answer to the riddle.

“What is your answer, young man?” declared the king.

The young man replied, “In order to calculate Elizabeth’s apples, you must ADD EM’S APPLE.”

The king answered “lol get it?”

The king of a small African nation had an elegant golden throne in his large grass hut. When an old friend came to visit from another nation, he was worried that the man would discover he was a king and treat him differently. He searched frantically for a place to hide the throne, but to no avail. Finally, he decided to have it wedged up in the ceiling of his hut.

When his friend arrived, he went to the hut's opening to greet him. Just then, the ceiling started to give way, and the golden throne fell on the king and killed him.

The moral of the story is this: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.

A hornbill in a rainforest screeched triumphantly! “Hahaha I am the king of the birds for I have the biggest beak.” He sat on his branch smugly, smiling to himself when another bird with an extraordinary beak landed beside him and scoffed,“Toucan play at that game.”

He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.

So there were these two high schoolers, both madly in love. they were like the most well known couple around the school. so a couple months go by after they've began dating and they both see a flier in the hallway. it talks about the up coming school dance which is taking place next week. so naturally, the guy asks the girl to come with him. she says yes and the planing begins. he gets home that night and surfs the entire web for a relatively cheap limo company with still have decent amenities. after ordering that, he heads off to the local tailor and gets a suit made for in his girlfriends favourite colour, blue. then the week passes and he preparing to go and pick her up, so he picks up the flowers he bought her earlier that day and heads out to the now parked limo. he gets in and orders the driver to her house. he gets there and gives her the flowers. they go out for dinner at a very fancy place, him paying for everything. they both finally get to the school hall and head in to see all their friends. they have a wonderful night, dancing, having photos taken, they both really just enjoyed themselves. they even got elected prom king and queen! so the night is coming to an end and they both decide to sit down and have a rest. the girls feeling a bit thirsty so the guy heads over to the refreshments table to get her a drink. it's pretty quite there as in this joke, there isnt a punchline. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I found a Steven King novel written in braille.....something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.

Here King......Here King......there you go boy...…(pets dog).

English and Spanish.

The Trump administration is making a game out of getting Latinos out of the country, they call it deporte.

Spanish heathens have to pay extra to preforn their ceremonies. Pagan rituals

What sci-fi weapon does the King of Spain prefer? A rey-gun!

Do you know how many times anyone had to tell me how to say 'eleven' in Spanish? Once.

Exclusivamente en español (Perdón por errores gramaticales)

Qué comida es el mas mojado? El agua-cate

Cual comida no puede decir una mentira? La verdadura

Como se llama un libro sobra la revolución? Libre!

Qué es exactamente una mejor que Beyonce? Beydoce

Cual animal siempre tiene un novio o novia? El Parejaro.

Cual comida es el menos diverido? Aburrito.

Sobre que papel de pelicula de Madonna no le quiere hablar? Evita!

Quiero que me digáis mas. Nunca tengo suficiente bromas!

To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.

My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:

Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.

LN: What happened?

Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.

LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?

Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking "jackpot." The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed.

LN: What was in it?

Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu...

LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!

Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS.. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do.

LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO?

Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida..

LN: mmhmm

Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him.

LN: What did he tell you to do?!

Dad: Call a tow truck.

LN: ....what?

Dad: Get it, toe truck?!

LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU.

DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test.

Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys!

It turns out, i was his pawn... then he got the king pin

The grocer said “would you like king Edwards?” I said “no thanks, I’d rather have my own”

Hu died and made Yu king.

Not many people are aware of its existence but I assure that it is there all the same. The king of this little land faces a lot of difficulty. He wants to make his kingdom into a sovereign nation but unfortunately they do not have the infrastructure, population, or economy to do so. In fact, this small state is only known for a single export. Thanks to their proximity to some of the finest gold and other metals in the world but total lack of an ability to process those metals on a mass scale, they have been left with only one option. You know the saying; when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Make lemonade they did. This tiny territory is renowned for creating the highest quality watches in the world. No expense is spared and their elite group of craftsmen train for their entire lives from childhood to produce these terrific timepieces. Men of great wealth and taste have been known to trade entire fortunes for just a single one of these watches; that is how valuable they are.

The king knows this and he knows that only a small portion of his populace can ever hope to become one of the respected elite, let alone hold one of their masterpieces in their own hands. Being a very just and fair man, the king ordered the most senior watchmaker in the land to create something the likes of which had never been seen. A watch of such great craftsmanship so as to be above monetary value. The man labored long and hard for many nights to produce the king's watch. When he at last presented the completed work to his lord - in front of the entire nation, no less - he was met with thunderous applause and a warm embrace. He had done it! The king then made a shocking announcement.

"This masterpiece belongs to my people!"

When the roaring of the crowd died down he continued.

"This watch shall be a symbol of my love for all of you. Though I rule over you with supreme authority I do not wish a single one of you to feel that you do not have a voice in the ruling of this nation. From this day on let anyone who doubts my decisions or questions my judgment wear this watch and stand as my equal to voice their concerns. Should even a single one of you think me unfair or wrong in any matter then simply come to my castle and I will present you this token of good faith."

The king made good on his word and from that day on all citizens knew they held the right to challenge their king's rulings. Over time the watch became a symbol of fairness throughout the land. Anyone who wore it

Her: I’m not going to Burger King again.

But the Japanese still deny the Nan-king massacre.

I'm trying to get my daughter into Lord of the Rings. I'm watching Return of the King. I thought she'd think the Eye of Sauron would be cool. We watch the scene where Aragorn cuts the head off of the Mouth of Sauron. Without missing a beat she turns to me and says:

"What's next? The nose of Sauron?

Because it wasn't king-size.

Because he was King of the Jews, not King of the Jukes.

Their prices are Sofa King cheap!

Let us not forget on this day in 1485 King Cole (of nursery rhyme fame) made a decree about farming. It seems that the peasants had used too much farmland for cabbages and there was not many other vegetables. The farmers soon got in all their cabbage crops, and had a great abundance. They found if they sliced and shredded the cabbage it took up less space to store. This decree is now known as "Coles law".

1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES (You MUST read them out loud or it doesnt make as much sense)...

1. Thats not right........ Sum Ting Wong
2. Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3. See me ASAP............. Kum Hia Nao
4. Stupid Man...................... Dum Fuk
5. Small horse... Tai Ni Po Ni
6. Did you go to the beach?... Wai Yu So Tan
7. I bumped in to a coffee table... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8. I think you need a face lift... Chin Tu Fat
9. It's very dark in here... Wao So Dim
10. I thought you were on a diet... Wai Yu Mun Ching
11. This is a tow away zone... No Pah King
12. staying out of sight... Lei Ying Lo
13. He's cleaning his automobile... Wa Shing Ka
14. Your body odor is offensive... Yu Stin Ki Pu
15. Great... Fa Kin Su Pah

Whenever the Alice in Chains song King of the Kats comes on I tell my son that I'm the king of the cats. It drives him crazy. He's made it his personal mission to tell me I'm not the king of the cats and preempts me with a "Dad, you're not the king of the cats!" Whenever it comes on. This has been going on a couple of months.

Fast forward to present day. We're driving and the infamous song gets shuffled on.

He says, "You're not the king of the cats."

I reply, "Then why does every cat we meet call me your majesty?"

He drops this gem, "They don't say that, and if they did, they'd say your meowjesty."

I couldn't be more proud.

Joe King.

...she laughed and said: "No-one expects the Spanish King's position."

Hail to the King!

The king and queen of clubs.

The fattest man at King Arthur’s round table was sir cumferenence. He acquired his size eating pi.

King of the heal

The King and Queen of Clubs

He was number one. He was so incredible , he was about to break into Hollywood.

Then his kitchen caught fire and he died.

It was horribly tragic.

Suddenly he was reborn, brighter and better than before.

He was Wok King Phoenix.