Who has one thumb and just got a table saw for Father’s Day?
If just tried the new Whiskey only diet, 2 bottles a day, it really works...
One day I'm going to write a book set in medieval times just so I can start it out with this line:
"He was a dark and stormy knight."
Just told my son he exaggerates 40,000,000 times a day...
True story: Taking my daughter to her music lesson the other day and she says: "Daddy I think I'd like to start another instrument. We have that old violin laying around and I'd like to learn to play. Nothing serious just casually to learn a song now and then.
To which I replied..."So your intention is just to fiddle with it?"
The other day, I met a genie who granted me one wish. So, I told him: "I just want to be happy."
Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.
I know times are tough for a lot of people right now. All over the planet, humanity struggles with problems that seem to never go away... just remember, you can always rest assured that at the end of the day...
the morning of my bday my bf just looks over at me and goes “babe you dont look a day over 25”
I saw a caveman the other day, he was massive, like 7 foot easy, and he was just casually walking down the street. One could say...
Just want to tell that guy I met the other day, who is trying to find a source of water for his village
Back in my day, you could walk into a store with $25 and walk out with 2 ribeye steaks, a case of beer, a pack of toilet paper and a gallon of milk. You just can’t do that anymore….
Had the wierdest day first I found a hat full of change just sitting on the pavement...
...then I spent the rest of the morning being chased by an angry one-man-band.
Just a normal day in the subway
Around the 3rd day of every week I take a shower and just walk out without drying myself
A lot of the jokes on this sub are just terrible, but at the end of the day...
I don’t mean to brag, but I just put a puzzle together in 1 day...
and the box said 2-4 years!
If Facebook employees liken today to a snow day, they don't just have the day off, they're snowd-en (⌐■_■)
I told you a Van Morrison dad joke just the other day
Just read about Jon Bon Jovi's strict diet where he only eats 1 piece of fruit a day...
I would just like to take the time out of your day to give a shout-out to the sidewalks
For keeping us off the streets….
My friend just told me the last episodes of Big Bang Theory are "as terrible as a hot summer day"
I'm guessing he doesn't like that season.
For cake day I was just going to do a repost of someone else’s cake joke.
But then I thought....
Nah, I should do batter.
*True Story* Was walking into a local bar for an afternoon of day drinking when I accidentally hit my head on a low hanging tree branch. I told my girlfriend, "That tree just just assaulted me!" She thought she was being witty replied "The tree thinks you assaulted it...."
I turned to her, asked "Do you know what we have here?" removed my sunglasses, "It's a case of he said, tree said."
That's just not a good day
I've just started up a dating site for chickens. It's not my normal day job, I'm just doing it…
Just had my first day on the job as a co-pilot of the Millenium falcon...
It went well but I made some Wookiee mistakes.
Just a reminder that it's only "Star Wars Day" if....
The other day I said "woof" to a dog but he just gave me a weird look.
I guess my accent is a little ruff.
I was just trying to enjoy a day out on the lake. No matter where you are, you can never escape the puns.
So I caught a frog and a toad having a great time in my backyard just the other day.
They were playing a game of croquet.
I just spent $300 on a limosine for the day.
What they didnt tell me was that fee doesn't include a driver. So now, im out $300 and nothing to chauffer it.
Just a reminder, Father’s Day is Sunday.
Not this Sunday, but it is on a Sunday this year!
Don't bother reading that "ultimate" workout blog. "You won't believe" their advice is just to walk 1,000 meters a day.
I just got back from a long day of duck hunting, so I decided to put my feet up and have my favorite snack.
A lumberjack was at work one day and was just about to start chopping down a tree.
Suddenly the tree spoke ‘WAIT! Don’t chop me down, I’m a talking tree!’
The lumberjack chuckled darkly and simply stated ‘And now you will dialogue’
I was just reading this story about a guy who went through several tough breaks in life and couldn’t get ahead. One day he just stopped talking and his only way of communicating was through hand and body motion.......
Poor guy turned to a life of mime.
Im not a dad, I just like dad jokes, but I think I will one day have children just for dad jokes
Because im really dadicated to the bit
I bought a dictionary the other day, but when I got home it was just blank pages
I have no words to Express how angry I am.
My six-year-old daughter just delighted me with a completely original pun: What do you call it when you have to go inside at the end of the day?
There was this news reporter who enjoyed incorporating puns into their reports. One day, they had to cover the story of a mass stabbing. Unfortunately, the reporter couldn't think of a pun so they just sighed and went on to report the news how it was...
"Sorry, no pun n' ten dead"
Just had a hectic first day at work
People kept running in and yelling at me that they would need a venti later, then running right back out to their large flashy vans blaring obnoxious music.
I kept having to call after them, saying that “this is a hospital, not a Starbucks!”
LIFE RANT: yesterday was the first day I’ve been outside my house since coronavirus started, I just wanted to get some Jimmy Johns. It’s been 3 months, I ordered a #16 Club Lulu, something seemed off but by the time I got to the car I realized...
My wife was having a stressful day at work and just sent me a text "I'm losing my mind!"
I texted back "it's all in your head".
My daughter and I just wrote a dad joke: Do you know how many pounds of guacamole Chipotle uses every day?
There was a line of people outside of the gym I workout at the other day. I found it quite weird as the line of people were paying money just to hit each other.
Guess you could call it a punchline.
[OC] At what time of day can a photographer get the perfect picture? When can they get just the right angle?
When you’ve had a hard day at work and you just wanna take a....
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