The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well itβs not a law itβs a mandate
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︎ Nov 20 2020
My obese friend in the UK just order a bunch of workout equipment.
He already feels hundreds of pounds lighter.
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︎ Mar 19 2021
Locksmith friend of mine just retired, said he never once got rained out.
It seems that all of his work was in doors.
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︎ Mar 11 2021
My friend just caught covid from his cat
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︎ Feb 05 2021
My friend just can't afford to pay his huge water bill...
I've sent him a Get Well Soon card.
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︎ Jan 22 2021
A friend of mine just said to me βIβm training to be garbage manβ
I said βYou donβt need training for that! You just pick it up as you go alongβ
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︎ Dec 31 2020
Just watched all the Harry Potter movies back to back with a friend
Stupid, really, because it meant I couldn't see the TV
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︎ Jul 29 2020
my friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.
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︎ Jul 26 2020
My friend wasn't happy with his new car, so I said "Dude, just roll with it".
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︎ Dec 22 2020
so my drummer friend and her partner just had triplets. Girls. Their names?
Anna One, Anna Two, Anna 1-2-3.
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︎ Jan 25 2021
My friend on Facebook just made a post about her favorite professor passing today.
I really wanted to comment and say βAt least he passed and didnβt fail.β
But, I feel like itβs too soon and wouldnβt be appreciated.
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︎ Jan 14 2021
So my friend just made my morning
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︎ Oct 19 2020
My friend just called me and told me he has changed his name to Spinal Column.
I said, "I'll call you back."
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︎ Dec 27 2020
I just found out that my friend lives a secret life as a priest.
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︎ Dec 27 2020
A friend of mine just died from eating too many herbs
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︎ Oct 29 2020
A friend of mine just named their child Geneva.
Itβs rather too conventional for me...
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︎ Nov 26 2020
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 22 2020
My friend just hired a limo for $1000 but it didn't come with a driver.
Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it!
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︎ Oct 15 2020
Now you just wait there a damn second friend.. a little birdie has just informed me that you are in fact a mime
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 20 2020
Just talked to an old friend the other day
He was saying he was going to visit his parents. I asked why he needed to drive to Boston and Philly and he said βTo see MA and PA.β
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︎ Dec 09 2020
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
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︎ Oct 07 2020
So I had this conversation with a friend just now
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︎ Aug 07 2020
2020 is just one long episode of Friends...
Because it hasnβt been my day, my week, my month or even my year
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︎ Aug 16 2020
My friend just bought breast implants made of Oak.
It seems like that would be uncomfortable, wooden tit?
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︎ Sep 27 2020
My friend knows just who he can trust in the seedy part of town to get him safe candy and sweets...
π︎ 6
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︎ Oct 16 2020
My friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes. Now we call him Dr Awkward.
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︎ Oct 18 2019
I was cooking burgers with my friend Nicky when I flipped one up high and hit him with it, just below the chin...
It was a Nick neck patty whack.
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︎ Oct 21 2020
My friend just got a job as a elevator repair technician
they're really moving up in the company.
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︎ Jul 28 2020
I wrote a card for my friend who just graduated high school and wants to study geology and/or paleontology in college. She also likes puns :)
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︎ Jul 26 2020
A friend of mine just told me his boyfriend dumped him when he found out he had a Bakugo body pillow!!
"WHAT!?!?!" I cried, "THAT GUY IS UNBEWEEBABLE!!!"
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︎ Sep 19 2020
I was just sitting on the couch when my friend tells me, βyour not even listening to me.β
I thought thatβs a very weird way to start a conversation.
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︎ Aug 29 2020
My dad just told me this one: Two WiFi engineer friends of mine just got married.
The wedding was ok, but the reception was fantastic!
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︎ Aug 16 2020
My friend and I just started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
Itβs a small scale operation.
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︎ Nov 08 2019
My Indian friend just told her parents she wants to wear a Western dress at her wedding.
She said, βSorry, but not Sari.β
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︎ Aug 31 2019
Something a friend just sent me....
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︎ Jul 10 2020
A friend just told me about this documentary on burnout in the pagan community...
it's called "The Bleh Witch Project"
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︎ Sep 05 2020
When I go for a walk with my best friend, he canβt help but stop and pet every animal he sees. He just thinks theyβre so adorable!
π︎ 4
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︎ Sep 17 2020
My friend was just diagnosed with a flesh eating bacteria, so I texted him to see how he is doing.
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︎ Sep 01 2020
Mike Tyson and I were talking about our friend Sarah who had just gotten into town. I asked, "so, how did she get from L.A. to here?" He replied...
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︎ Aug 19 2020
I just saw a friend of mine sweep a girl off her feet.
Heβs quite an aggressive janitor.
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︎ Jun 01 2019
Two friends are having a conversation. "My wife has just gone on vacation in the Carribbean" say's one. "Jamaica?" replies the other.
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︎ Aug 13 2020
I just found out that my friend with a stutter died in prison
He didn't finish his sentence
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︎ Jul 04 2020
Someone just arrested my friendβs dad, and he wonβt wake up.
π︎ 12
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︎ Jul 27 2020
I told my friend that I just got my Bachelor of Science.
My friend said, βThatβs BS!β
π︎ 9
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︎ Jul 29 2020
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Feb 08 2020
My friend just hired a limo for a $1000 but it didn't come with a driver !
Imagine spending all that money and having nothing to chauffeur it
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︎ Aug 15 2020
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