The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate
My obese friend in the UK just order a bunch of workout equipment.
He already feels hundreds of pounds lighter.
Locksmith friend of mine just retired, said he never once got rained out.
It seems that all of his work was in doors.
My friend just caught covid from his cat
My friend just can't afford to pay his huge water bill...
I've sent him a Get Well Soon card.
A friend of mine just said to me “I’m training to be garbage man”
I said “You don’t need training for that! You just pick it up as you go along”
Just watched all the Harry Potter movies back to back with a friend
Stupid, really, because it meant I couldn't see the TV
my friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.
My friend wasn't happy with his new car, so I said "Dude, just roll with it".
so my drummer friend and her partner just had triplets. Girls. Their names?
Anna One, Anna Two, Anna 1-2-3.
My friend on Facebook just made a post about her favorite professor passing today.
I really wanted to comment and say “At least he passed and didn’t fail.”
But, I feel like it’s too soon and wouldn’t be appreciated.
So my friend just made my morning
My friend just called me and told me he has changed his name to Spinal Column.
I said, "I'll call you back."
I just found out that my friend lives a secret life as a priest.
A friend of mine just died from eating too many herbs
A friend of mine just named their child Geneva.
It’s rather too conventional for me...
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
My friend just hired a limo for $1000 but it didn't come with a driver.
Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it!
Now you just wait there a damn second friend.. a little birdie has just informed me that you are in fact a mime
Just talked to an old friend the other day
He was saying he was going to visit his parents. I asked why he needed to drive to Boston and Philly and he said “To see MA and PA.”
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
So I had this conversation with a friend just now
2020 is just one long episode of Friends...
Because it hasn’t been my day, my week, my month or even my year
My friend just bought breast implants made of Oak.
It seems like that would be uncomfortable, wooden tit?
My friend knows just who he can trust in the seedy part of town to get him safe candy and sweets...
My friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes. Now we call him Dr Awkward.
I was cooking burgers with my friend Nicky when I flipped one up high and hit him with it, just below the chin...
It was a Nick neck patty whack.
My friend just got a job as a elevator repair technician
they're really moving up in the company.
I wrote a card for my friend who just graduated high school and wants to study geology and/or paleontology in college. She also likes puns :)
A friend of mine just told me his boyfriend dumped him when he found out he had a Bakugo body pillow!!
"WHAT!?!?!" I cried, "THAT GUY IS UNBEWEEBABLE!!!"
I was just sitting on the couch when my friend tells me, “your not even listening to me.”
I thought that’s a very weird way to start a conversation.
My dad just told me this one: Two WiFi engineer friends of mine just got married.
The wedding was ok, but the reception was fantastic!
My friend and I just started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
My Indian friend just told her parents she wants to wear a Western dress at her wedding.
She said, “Sorry, but not Sari.”
Something a friend just sent me....
A friend just told me about this documentary on burnout in the pagan community...
it's called "The Bleh Witch Project"
My friend was just diagnosed with a flesh eating bacteria, so I texted him to see how he is doing.
Mike Tyson and I were talking about our friend Sarah who had just gotten into town. I asked, "so, how did she get from L.A. to here?" He replied...
I just saw a friend of mine sweep a girl off her feet.
He’s quite an aggressive janitor.
Two friends are having a conversation. "My wife has just gone on vacation in the Carribbean" say's one. "Jamaica?" replies the other.
I just found out that my friend with a stutter died in prison
He didn't finish his sentence
Someone just arrested my friend’s dad, and he won’t wake up.
I told my friend that I just got my Bachelor of Science.
My friend said, “That’s BS!”
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
My friend just hired a limo for a $1000 but it didn't come with a driver !
Imagine spending all that money and having nothing to chauffeur it
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