How is a police informant's therapist like a magician?

One removes rabbits from a hat...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/deblunked
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2017
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What do you call a fish that knows a lot of organized information?

A databass.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nightreach1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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There are 2 types of people in this world: 1: People who can extrapolate information based off of incomplete data

2:

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πŸ‘€︎ u/emination_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
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I asked fellow astronauts on ISS for some milk to put in my coffee but was informed I can't have any.

They said: "In space nobody can. Here, use cream"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
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Why can’t your orthodontist release any of your medical information?

That information is strictly confidental

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sal4Sale
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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How did Kim Kardashian inform her kid about her upcoming divorce with Kanye?

North, things between West and me has recently gone South.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
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Gaming mouse
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hairy_Potato_222
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
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A chameleon went to the doctor and said he was having trouble changing his colors. The doctor did some tests and called the chameleon. He informed the chameleon that unfortunately he was suffering from...

a-reptile-disfunction.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Murdock431
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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There are 2 types of people: 1) people who make inferences over low amounts of information

Get it?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LightningClone
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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They say an informed racist is better than an uninformed racist. You know what's worse than an uninformed racist?

A uniformed racist!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BowelMovementator
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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What do you call a well informed wolf ?

Aware_wolf

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πŸ‘€︎ u/its_boogeyman
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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Now you just wait there a damn second friend.. a little birdie has just informed me that you are in fact a mime

Ya don’t say.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kopextacy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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Before Pterodactyls evolved, dinosaurs could only process information in Pgigadactyls

...I said Pgigadactyls.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheOldGods37
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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I’ve just been informed that a distant relative left me a very expensive watch in his will.

I hope it’s not a wind up

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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Can anyone inform me on who invented knock knock jokes ?

They deserve a no bell prize

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darkalan64
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
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I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no wifi and couldn’t find the information I wanted.

I wound up using cellular.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaconShrimpEyes
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.

The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/karanrime
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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What did the hardware store employee use to steal personal information?

A Hacksaw.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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I just failed my Information Technology class...

I just don't get IT

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZoNaGii
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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Did you know that a single sperm contains 37.5 MB of DNA information? Meaning that, during 3 seconds long ejaculation, more than 11,250 TERA bytes of information is transmitted.

That's alot of information to swallow.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday?

"AYE MATEY."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
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My wife bought me a new shirt for my birthday!
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timbillyosu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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Police officer informs a wife that her husbund has been found drowned in a vat of beer.

The wife said "was it murder"? The officer said "no madam it was suicide" The wife said how" can you tell"? The police said - "On the cctv your husbund climbed out of the vat 5 times for a pee!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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What do you call a fear of giants?

Feefiphobia

Edit: wow! I never expected this to reach such great heights..... Thank you for the awards, kind redditors.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/denandbil
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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How does Chipotle' inform their customers that their order is ready?

...by tex-mexage.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dmatlack1023
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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Where did the father store all his information?

In the Dada-base.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JPHarrison007
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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I want to share some information on cultivating herbs.

It's sage advice.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Datolite7
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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Where do DJs get their information?

The wiki wiki

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shrimpio
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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Important information

Aruba - Cherry Pie $3.45

Bahamas - Apple Pie $2.75

Jamaica - Key Lime Pie $3.34

Saint Croix - Lemon Pie $4.21

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MobileBrowns
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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Informative product review
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sergeant_RL-3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2018
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Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Invalleria
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all information about 80s music!

Me: Yikes! What is The Cure?

Doctor: Oh my God. It is worse than I thought!

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2018
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What animal is the best at keeping your medical information confidential?

A HIPAA-potamus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wspoons5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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My wife just informed me that β€œterrible two” refers to a kids in a specific developmental stage

And all this time that’s how I always referred to my two kids at all times

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PLUMBUM2
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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I’m reading a book on the history of glue....

I can’t seem to put it down.

πŸ‘︎ 202
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trendfoll
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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I knew what apple juice tasted like before I even tried it.

I had in-cider information.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MelkorHimself
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle /r/Jokes/comments/g7nncw/…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikelb5
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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I regress to inform you...

Googoo gaga

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProtoXoa
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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I keep sending my information to the bank but they claim it’s too crooked to read.

They need to get their fax straight.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
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The media are now only using email to transfer information

They don’t care about fax anymore

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strange_An0maly
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
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Blood and Organ related puns please

So a colleague is leaving my work (transfusion medicine lab) to work as an information manager for the organ transplant service. I make cards and I’m trying to think up something punny to write on/in his card and I’ll paint a picture on the front for context. I was thinking like β€œbloody good luck” or β€œsorry you’re transplanting”... but less shitty!

Thanks in advance :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Massive-Lock-6048
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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A computer engineer came to my house. I said, "I can't get aroused by programs and other operating information on my machine."

He said, "Software?"

I said, "In my pants."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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When discussing my history of eye inflammation at the optometrist, I was advised to look up information on conjunctivitis.com.

It's a site for sore eyes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/conundrumbombs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
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I've just been informed that my six year old son is not mine

and that I have to pay more attention when I pick him up from school.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"

He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.

"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."

The man continues to keep his cool.

"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"

He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.

"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.

The spy smirks.

"But I still think you American spy."

The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.

He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"

The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.

The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.

After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.

In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."

The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.

"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"

The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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How did Kim and Kanye inform their kid that they were divorcing?

Sorry North, things went South.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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