Once a coin saved a person's life, the coin was in his shirt pocket, the coin deflected the bullet shot at him
The coin was truly his life savings
What did the Egyptian crocodile do with the problems in his life?
Nothing, he lived in da-nile
Whats with the saying "that's how you get ahead in life"?
I was already born with one.
I still dream about the time in my life when I used to sniff glue. It was many years ago now.
But that sort of thing stick in your mind.
Don't blame others for the road you're on in life.
The saddest activity in my life is crushing my Coke cans.
In the life of every tomato there comes a great dilemma
My son: Dad, what's the hardest thing you've ever done in your life?
Me: I poured some concrete once.
Son: Was that really hard?
Me: It is now.
(This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)
Dad told me the three most important unwritten rules in life.
In a freak accident the laboratory sink came to life, made its way to the mad scientist's door and knocked.
What do you call the second girlfriend or boyfriend you ever had in your life?
Why did the man work in a barn for hus whole life?
Because is was a stable career
I said the best things in life are free
My brother, the pro baseball pitcher, told me about the time he intentionally walked every player on the opposing team as a protest against unfairness in life...
That took a lot of balls.
What did I say when my son tried to unplug my life support to plug in the vacuum cleaner?
Don't do that I'll dyson!
I rolled a joint for the first time in my life.
The doctor says it’ll be a few weeks until I can use my ankle again.
I’ve got a mate writing a tell all book about life in the snow plough business.
He says it will be a very gritty read.
Where are people who sit down in the shower at in life?
What are the 2 words that will open a lot of doors in your life?
I was once walking my dog along a promenade during a storm. I got chatting to a German tourist. While we were talking, my dog decided to go for a swim. It was clear he was struggling then he got dragged under. The German dived in, pulled him out and did cpr. The dog coughed then came back to life
"That's amazing" I said "how did you know to do that? Are you a vet?"
"Vet?" He asked. 'of corse I'm vet. I was in zee sea"
Would you like to be the sun in my life?
DAD: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
MOM: Awww... Yes!!!
DAD: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me
Today, I saw a squirrel poop for the first time in my life.
My girlfriend told me that i am the anchor in her life
Jokes don't have to be original right? Cause I've only made up two jokes in my life. The rest are from things like this subreddit. XD
Dad always told me, "No matter what you do in life, set the bar high
... otherwise kids can reach the liquor."
I'm in the middle of developing a new game. This guy came to life today and I just love his character so much!
"I make the rules in this house, son. You're going to have to listen to me for the rest of your life."
"You mean for the rest of your life, dad."
My friend believes in reincarnation and says in his former life, he was a calf slaughtered for the meat.
I was caught stealing the model spine from the chiropractor's office. He called me a theif, and I had never been so insulted in my life. I guess you could say I was taken aback.
Yesterday I asked a stray dog "How's life in the streets?"
It's the small things in life that count.
My wife turned to me and said, all life is like hope. It's precious, a gift. It flourishes in the desert, in the snow, even in the Marianas Trench, 10,000 meters below the waves. Life and hope exist where we least expect it, yet it is so fragile it can be destroyed in a moment.
What’s the quickest way to get ahead in life?
My wife growled accusingly, “I’ve never seen you sweep or use the vacuum in my life!”
I retorted, “Floors are beneath me!"
So I found this talking train and asked it why it just went back and forth on the same tracks for its whole life. It responded saying “the voices in my head tell me to”.
“Son, remember these two magic words. They will open up the doors in your life.”
I think I made the best pun I'll ever make in my life
I was playing Overwatch with my friend. After a round ended, I saw that I had gotten 2222 exp. The conversation went like this:
"Oh weird, I got 2222 (said two-two-two-two out loud) experience that round."
"Really? So did I"
"Wait, seriously? Four twos?"
"Yep"
"Wow, how fortuitous"
Where is the biggest shortcut in life?
Why couldn't the wine taster get ahead in life...
He kept making pour decisions.
My kids and I watched The Lion King yesterday and now I’ve got ‘The Circle of Life’ stuck in my head.
It’s just keeps going round and round. It’s the truth, I’m not lion!
What did the Egyptian crocodile do about the problems in his life?
Nothing. He lived in de-nile.
I just rolled a joint for the first time in my life.
The doctor says it’ll be a few weeks before I can use my ankle again.
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