In search of spiritual enlightenment, I travelled to India and encountered a mystic sage that worshipped flat bread and flat bread only.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
Authorities are searching for a four-foot tall woman who recently escaped from prison in upstate New York. She was serving a five year sentence for fraud after convincing a number of victims that she was a powerful psychic.
Now she's a small medium at large.
My friend keeps saying “Cheer up, man. It could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Edit: Wow. Thanks for the awards, kind Reddit strangers!
In honor of Mother’s Day, I’d just like to say,
“thank you for your cervix.”
I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I don’t have a lot of money.
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
A man walks in to a bar with a piece of asphalt
The man says to the bartender “1 for me, and 1 for the road”
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
I actually know a lot of jokes in sign language.
I guarantee you that nobody has ever heard them.
For years I was searching for a book with all kind of maps.
The cast of “Friends” got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.
Hey friends! In support of the LGBTQ+ community I wanted to design a punny pride greeting card and I am so happy with how it turned out :D let me know what you think!
There are two types of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
I just got a new job in a factory making plastic Draculas. There are only two of us on the production line
so I have to make every second count.
There are 10 types of people in the world:
Those who know binary and those who don't.
What kind of trees grown in the bathroom?
Toilet-trees
.....I'll show myself out
Soup (I know it’s from Instagram but that’s why I kept the @ of the account in)
Lots of Corona cases in Lidl
In honor of Father's Day this weekend: When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it's fully groan.
Happy Father's Day! 🥳🍰🎈
I'm a scientist in search of a "cold spicy"
Oh, nevermint, I found it.
News just in: In a freak accident today, a man was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.
To be fair, the people he was photographing did try to warn him.
You know, over in Jamaica a slice of pizza will cost you $2.50!
But over in Barbados, it's only $1.50! But carful getting in from the Maldives, it's only $1.75, but people will try to take it right off your plate!
Anyways, those are just the pie rates of the Caribbean!:)
An elderly couple is in a church. The wife says to the husband “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says “Change the battery in your hearing aid.”
What do you call a jar of Miracle Whip that’s falling to the bottom of the ocean in early May?
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
Steve Irwin's line of sunscreen has been discontinued.
Turns out it failed to protect you from harmful rays.
In honor of former president Donald J. Trump
The potatoes suffered heavy casualties in the first battle of the vegetable wars
My daughter wants to do more things on her own, so I told her to put a picture of herself in a locket
Then she would be independent.
My pissed off neighbour told me he wanted to throw me in a deep hole full of water.
But I know he means well.
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
I'm a line cook and looking for a way to get in on some of the extra cash that servers earn.
Got any tips you can share?
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
What do you call a bunch of vegetables standing in a line?
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling “I stepped on a Bee!”
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
Why aren’t there a lot of Chinese restaurants in Southern California?
What is in the middle of Japan?
DAD JOKES ARE NOT DIRTY.
Go post NSFW jokes somewhere else. If I can't tell my kids this joke, then it is not a DAD JOKE.
If you feel it's appropriate to share NSFW jokes with your kids, that's on you. But a real, true dad joke should work for anyone's kid.
Mods... If you exist... Please, stop this madness. Rule #6 should simply not allow NSFW or (wtf) NSFL tags. Also, remember that MINORS browse this subreddit too? Why put that in rule #6, then allow NSFW???
Please consider changing rule #6. I love this sub, but the recent influx of NSFW tagged posts that get all the upvotes, just seem wrong when there are good solid DAD jokes being overlooked because of them.
Thank you,
A Dad.
How does the Norse god of mischief act in his off time?
In an unexpected turn of events my apathetic Muslim friend just opened an eye hospital
He calls it "Asif Eye Care".
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.
The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night.
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
There are 10 kinds of people in this world:
Those who understand binary and those who don’t
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up man, it could be worse. You could stuck underground in a hole full of water
I know a handful of jokes in sign language.
I guarantee no one has ever heard them!
There are two types of people in this world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
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