But I couldn't catch a brake.
Her reply: F*ck that! That's bananas! I'll go later. (She's a keeper)
He was hauling adze!
An 8-bit computer.
They tie the knot.
It had a short shelf life!
The pieces of toast were brother and sister, and their kid came out inbread
He says it's on a case by case basis
https://imgur.com/a/1VVnfTN
Hailey
he starts on nights next week.
Everybody in the bar fell silent and averted their attention. The pink piece of concrete ordered a drink. The bartender was shaking as he poured his beer. The pink piece of concrete looked around, nobody meeting his gaze, drank his beer in one glug and left.
The normal ambience resumed.
"Youv'e got to watch out for him" Tarmac said to Asphalt, "hes a cycle-path!"
The man says to the bartender “1 for me, and 1 for the road”
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡Yeah it’s the Pie-Rates of the Caribbean
Then a section of green section of tarmac walked in, wearing a day-glo t-shirt, holding 5 glow sticks and blowing a whistle. At once the pavement ducked under the table and hid. The other 2 asked him why he was hiding. "That guy's dangerous" he said, "He's a raving cyclepath!!"
He's OK now, but he made some funny faces and gagging noises while working it out. A few people were disgusted by the sounds, but a few of the kids were laughing at grandpa dancing around making funny noises.
That's just how it is with dad chokes: some people laugh and some people groan.
All the pieces are being played in C flat
BREAD IN CAPTIVITY
via Stephen King
The real choke is in the condiments.
When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman.
“Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?”
After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not nine!”
“Oh yes it is”, said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, “Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!”
The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99.
After thinking for a long while the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not ninety-nine!”
“Oh yes it is”, said the Irishman, “Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety-nine.”
The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100.
After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on the bottom right-hand side of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not 100!”
“Oh yes it most certainly is”, said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent,
“Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd, make a 100
I'm sure that must have been a record
and the bartender looks at him suspiciously. He says "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here." So the piece of string walks out again. He’s sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when… "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar." So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Here, you're not a bit of string, are you?" The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot”
Because he was ripped
A truck driver walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You won't believe what happened to me today," he tells the bartender. "I lost control of the rig I was driving and plowed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces. After I called and reported the damage I was just waiting on a tow truck when a turnpike crew truck pulls up discharges a bunch of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the toll booth wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than half an hour, they had the booth back together and looking as good as new." "That's amazing!" the bartender exclaims. "What the heck was the creamy stuff they were using?" "Well, I had no idea, so I went over and asked the crew chief," the trucker says. "He told me it was tollgate booth paste."
It tries to order a drink and the bartender says, "we don't serve string here, get out!"
The string goes outside and is so upset it pulls itself apart and twists itself to pieces. Once it calms down it goes back in the bar and tries to order its drink.
"Aren't you that piece of string I just kicked out of here?"
"No, I'm a frayed knot."
Rope: One beer, please.
Bartender: We don’t serve rope here.
Rope:walks outside and thinks
Rope:gets an idea, gets excited & messes up its hair
Rope:walks back in to the bar
Rope: One beer, please.
Bartender: Aren’t you that rope I just refused to serve. Rope: Nope, I’m a frayed knot.
Edit: Formatting.
I told him it was very unfortunate
Obviously a sham rock.
It's true... I saw it with my own eyes
I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
I walked away, saying "peace out"
When I asked the keeper why, he said, "It was bread in captivity!"
Then she ripped it in half and said, “Never mind, it’s tearable.”
I feel like I’ve succeeded as a dad.
I'm sure that must have been a record.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes
It’s true I saw it with my own eyes.
Those are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.
Husband: I recommend that you use this clamp with my company’s logo on it.
Wife: I don’t need your advise!
I saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said it was bread in captivity...
"Its bread in captivity"
My daughter and I have been trading these. Here is our current list - would love to hear more!
- I lost my job at the chess factory. I couldn’t work knights.
- I lost my job at the bank. A lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
- I lost my job at the keyboard factory. I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
- I lost my job at the calendar factory. I took too many days off.
- I lost my job as a maze designed. I got lost in my work.
- I lost my job as an electrician. I was shocked!
- I lost my job as a psychic. I didn’t see it coming!
- I lost my job at the funeral home. Apparently, the options are “cremation” or “burial,” not “smoking” or “non-smoking.”
- I lost my job as an astronomer. I thought my work was looking up!
- I lost my job as a cyber criminal. I couldn’t hack it.
- I lost my job as a human cannonball. I got fired!
- I lost my job as a garbage collector. I had no training but I thought I would pick it up as I go.
- I lost my job as a math teacher, same job I’ve had since 2000. That’s 46 years down the drain!
- I lost my job in pool maintenance. It was too draining.
- I lost my job as a fisherman. I didn’t make enough net income.
- I lost my job as a baker. I really kneaded the dough!
- I lost my job as a historian. There was no future in it.
- I lost my job as a tour guide in Australia. I did not have the right koalafications.
- I lost my job at the upholstery repair shop. I may never recover.
- I lost my job as a massage therapist. I rubbed people the wrong way.
- I lost my job as a seamstress. And I tried sew hard.
- I lost my job as a musician. I just wasn’t noteworthy.
- I lost my job at the unemployment office. And I still need to go back there tomorrow.
- I lost my job feeding giraffes. I just wasn’t up to it.
- I lost my job as a water slide attendant. My career is going down the tubes.
- I lost my job at the paper shredding factory. It was a tearable job.
- I lost my job as a drummer. I’m sure there will be repercussions.
- I lost my job as a pole vaulter. I'll never get over it.
- I lost my job as a pet groomer. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.
- I lost my job as a pastry tester. That job was a piece of cake.
- I lost my job as a mirror inspector. I could see myself doing that for a long time.
- I lost my job as a yoga instructor. I bent over backwards for them.
- I lost my job at Dunkin. It’s ok, I was fed up wit
So I gave them a piece of my mind... Now I find we have everything in common.
