I work as a janitor and my boss said he’d fire me if I didn’t stop turning everything into an R.E.M parody.

I said β€œWell that’s pee in the corner…”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trimdaddyflex
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2022
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A, B, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, & Z are all racists.. How do I know?

Because they're all not 'C's.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedPlanetCorridor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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My imterviewer asked me why I put A, C, D, E, I, M, N, O, R, and T on my application.

I told him they were the letters of recommendation.

πŸ‘︎ 160
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChargedMedal
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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A T H E I S M
πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z

Happy No L!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/big_macaroons
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.

Son: Where are you in the photo?

Dad: That's me in the corner.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jay-ay
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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Can I play World War Z without having played World War A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X and Y before? /r/ShouldIbuythisgame/com…
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JonaSavage17
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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Today's Wordle was tough
πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cyan38
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2023
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Perfect name for a steakhouse πŸ₯©
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emreloperr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2023
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I was so hungry, I went back four seconds
πŸ‘︎ 360
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2023
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Caption contest gold here
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TamoyaOhboya
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2023
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That's downright crazy
πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2023
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Super freak
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bellpop
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2022
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Oh look spring is here
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mister_Zalez
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2023
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Office chicken
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jumpingjunipr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2022
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Dad Jokes are a Learning Tool.

They help kids think about language in a new way, usually by exploiting the flexible grammar and word order of the English language. Dad Jokes that are puns prepare children to read classic literature such as Shakespeare, which utilizes play-on-words to express deeper meaning. What I guess I’m trying to say, is that they are very e-joke-ational.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2023
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Pot Brown-Es at work
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArtisanGerard
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2023
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This could spell disaster.
πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HypnotizeD_X
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2022
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Ouch! You hit
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2022
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150 Elephant Jokes

This is a compilation from the internet, and a few I made or heard myself. Hope you laugh!

^((Elephant Jokes were a thing from the 1960s. You can read about them on Wikipedia.))

^((Each section should be read all at once, in order. Some sections also reference previous sections. ))

Mouse

Q: Why did the elephant run from the mouse?

A: Because it had a bazooka.

Q: Why did the mouse chase the elephant?

A: To steal the bazooka.

Toenails

Q: Why did the elephant paint its toenails red?

A: So it could hide in a cherry tree.

Q: Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

A: Works, doesn't it?

Q: How can you tell if an elephant is hiding in a cherry tree?

A: Tickle the cherries and see if they laugh.

Q: What's the loudest sound in the jungle?

A: A giraffe eating cherries.

Q: How can you tell if there have been elephants in your fridge?

A: There are footprints in the custard.

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails yellow?

A: That's not paint, it's custard.

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red, blue, green, orange, yellow, and brown?

A: So they can hide in a bag of M&Ms.

Q: How did the mouse break his back?

A: He tried to carry a bag of M&Ms home from the store.

Oak Trees

Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?

A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.

Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?

A: Parachute him from an airplane.

Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 1 and 2 in the afternoon?

A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the oak tree?

A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the oak tree?

A: It was glued to the first one.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the oak tree?

A: It thought it was a game.

Q: And why did the oak tree fall down?

A: It thought it was an elephant.

Q: Why is it dangerous to walk in the forest between 3 and 4 in the afternoon?

A: That's when the elephants fall out of the oak trees.

Q: What is a furry alligator?

A: A bear that crossed the woods at 3:30 in the afternoon.

Under the Bed

Q: How can you tell if there’s an elephant under your bed?

A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: How can you tell if there's an elephant in your bed?

A: He has a big 'E' on hi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2023
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Share your favorite Tombstone Puns

Halloween is approaching and I am making some punny tombstone decorations, in the spirit of Disney's Haunted Mansion cemetery. I thought it would be fun to collect some new ones from the reddit community. Here are Disney's crypt puns. Please share any additional ones that you can come up with.

  1. Asher T. Ashes (Ashes to ashes)
  2. Bea Witch (Bewitch)
  3. C. U. Later (See you later)
  4. Clare Voince (Clairvoyance)
  5. Dustin T. Dust (Dust into dust)
  6. G. I. Missyou (Gee I miss you)
  7. Hail N. Hardy (Hale and hearty)
  8. Hal Lusinashun (Hallucination)
  9. Hap A. Rition (Apparition)
  10. I. Emma Spook (I am a spook)
  11. I. L. Beback (I'll be back)
  12. I. M. Mortal (I am mortal)
  13. I. M. Ready (I am ready)
  14. I. Trudy Departed (I truly departed)
  15. I. Trudy Dew (I truly do)
  16. Levi Tation (Levitation)
  17. Love U. Trudy (Love you truly)
  18. M. T. Tomb (Empty tomb)
  19. Manny Festation (Manifestation)
  20. Metta Fisiks (Metaphysics)
  21. Paul Tergyst (Poltergeist)
  22. Pearl E. Gates (Pearly Gates)
  23. Ray N. Carnation (Reincarnation)
  24. Rustin Peece (Rest in peace)
  25. Rusty Gates (Rusty Gates)
  26. Theo Later (See you later)
  27. U. R. Gone (You are gone)
  28. Wee G. Bord (Ouija board)
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/offsky
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2021
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A boy raises his hand in class and asks the teacher if he can be excused to use the bathroom, the teacher says..

β€˜yes but just to prove you’ve been paying attention I’d like you to recite the alphabet first’

So with his best effort the boy replies β€˜A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z’

The teacher says β€˜very good but what happened to the P?’

β€˜Well this took so long it’s running down my leg’

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2021
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I have fluid opinions when it comes to bottled water,

S β€Ž O β€Ž M β€Ž E β€Ž v β€Ž i β€Ž e β€Ž w s are r β€Ž e β€Ž f β€Ž r β€Ž a β€Ž C β€Ž T β€Ž E β€Ž D, but I'm fully transparent.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordZorthan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2021
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How do you make someone do something 18 times in a row?

>!y!< >!o!< >!u!< >!m!< >!a!< >!k!< >!e!< >!t!< >!h!< >!e!< >!m!< >!c!< >!u!< >!r!< >!i!< >!o!< >!u!< >!s!<

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
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The Eskimo Restaurant

I went to an Eskimo restaurant and asked the waiter what was on the menu. The waiter said: "There is whale meat; whale meat; whale meat or Vera Lynn." I asked, "What's Vera Lynn?" The waiter replied "w-h-a-l-e-m-e-a-t-a-g-a-i-n!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chris378
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My daughter asked me to spell Michelle backwards.

So I did.

M-I-C-H-E-L-L-E B-A-C-K-W-A-R-D-S

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZForce
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad maths

a^(2) +b^(2) =E/m

I know it's hard to get, but my husband won't let it go. He is starting making dad jokes using formulas, please send help. πŸ˜‚

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πŸ‘€︎ u/partitadoppia
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
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Internet Puns

A great bundle of Internet puns; enjoy!

You despise Microsoft FrontPage as a web editing tool and as extensions to your webserver.


You can answer the question β€˜is the internet broken’ without laughing.


You can spot the theme behind the following list: RedHat, SuSE, Debian, Caldera, Slackware.


You can feel the load a server is under without actually checking statistics. It β€˜just isn’t running right’ actually makes sense.


You maintain more than four websites and do not have time for a personal web page.


You know all of the following people by reputation and can explain what they’ve done that is relevant to your world: Steve Case, Linus Torvalds, Eric Allman, Sanford Wallace.


You know what TCP/IP stands for, not to mention DNS, HTTP, SNMP, BGP, OSPF, and DUN. You like acronyms.


I think Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it β€œBang”. I mean, think about it.. β€œI BANGED Emma Watson last night.”


The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI…


On the Internet you can be anything you want. It’s so strange that many people choose to be stupid.


Girls are like an internet virus: they enter your life, scan your pockets, transfer money, edit your mind, download their problems and delete your smile…


Chuck Norris created the World Wide Web using a typewriter. When Chuck Norris plays hide and seek, even google can’t find him.


A press release: β€œYesterday, for the first time a hacker was convicted of network penetration and went to jail to serve a 12 years sentence. According to the data of the central computer of the police, the hacker goes to liberty the day after tomorrow because of expiration of the sentence.”


Justin Bieber got 100,000 retweets for tweeting β€œLive life full”. That’s just 3 random words. I’m going to try now. Jockstrap squirrel potatoes.


Facebook: β€œMy kids are perfect.” Instagram: β€œMy kids are beautiful.” Twitter: β€œMy kids are why I drink.”


The facts on this website are Chuck Norris’ smallest acheivements. If you knew what he was really capable of, you would never sleep at night.


Teacher: If you spend all your time sitting round playing on the Internet, you’ll be fat and useless when you grow up. Pupil: Wow! You must have spent hours surfing when you were a kid!


What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? An URLologist.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2017
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My son's first dad joke

My wife, 2 year old son, and I were traveling this past week and went through a drive thru for lunch. After finishing his meal, my son was trying to figure out what the bag said. Not being able to turn around and see what he is seeing, the following exchange took place.

Wife "Do you know what the letters are on the bag?"

Son "Yes!"

Wife " Tell me what the letters are"

Son "A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z!"

Me "Was that his first dad joke?"

Wife "He is definitely your son" and rolled her eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/steveh28
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2014
🚨︎ report
I waited hours today in the hopes that this joke would get set up right, and it did!

Yesterday, we had a birthday for my daughter. Her cupcakes had her nickname (Mae, like mine) on three, a letter per cupcake. She ate the A.

Around 10ish this morning I realized only M and E were left. So I knew exactly what I wanted to do..

When my son came home from school, he asked what after school snack was.

Me "I was gonna say cupcakes, but they have my name on them"
Him "...M and E?"
Me "uh, yeah. That's ME."

The cupcakes, I even took a picture when I realized what they said. Top two had candles in them, they are not inverted boobs

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaeBeWeird
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2015
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My girlfriend was writing a bunch of boring reflection paragraphs for class

She says, "I can't even spell anymore!"

Me: "A-N-Y-M-O-R-E"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/circuits_are_love
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2014
🚨︎ report
Papa, How do you spell my name in greek?

M-Y-N-A-M-E-I-N-G-R-E-E-K

Son gives me a hurt look and I can't stop laughing. Wife just rolls her eyes at me.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darklightadept
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2013
🚨︎ report
A little Christmas song. A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L...

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/December_Soul
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I have updated the alphabet for festive period. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z

No-el no-L

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RikM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
A Christmas Dad Joke

A B C
D E F G
H I J K M N
O P Q R S T U V
W X Y Z
No L, no L
No L, no L

I forgot where I heard this but I use it every year lol
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all my fellow redditors!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2022
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Teacher: Sing the alphabet.

Student: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, phosphorus, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z.

Teacher: How did you say phosphorus instead of L, M, N, O, and P?

Student: Because phosphorus is EL-EM-EN-TAL P.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I commissioned an artist to make me a set of letters of the alphabet out of cast iron.

I received A, B, C, D, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z.

I'm missing the iron E.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tratemusic
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Have you ever heard the middle-class alphabet?

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Bourgeoisie.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bonanza86
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
🚨︎ report

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