A list of puns related to "I Started a Joke"
"Well, I just thought you might have never seen him before."
But I'm not going to post it bc it's too corny.
He never really like knock-nock jokes.
This isn't a joke. It's completely serious. I work with a handful of dads and they've turned all of this into a competition. Someone gives me a joke to post and we see who ends up with the most points. It's always only a handful of points but boy is it exciting to see them get all riled up about it.
It turns out no one wants to visit www.kidslaughter.com
Background: I have the names and birth dates of each of my two daughters on my calves. 12 year old on the right, 8 year old in the left.
Today, my eldest was looking at my tats and said to the babysitter, "Well, I guess I'm 'all right' with dad!".
The baby sitter said something to the effect of, "That's silly."
So I looked at my daughter, winked and said to the babysitter, "Well, she is right."
Knock-knock.
>!Who's there?!<
Edit: my son told me this. I was confused at why I had to start it and then cracked up when he said “who’s there?”
Sadly, I could never get my jokes to land, and just kept crashing and burning on stage.
Then everybody got it.
One who is master at his craft is selected sexually by women to become the father.
Knock knock
Who’s there
....
I'll call it Readers Dye Jest
Me: “Knock, Knock” Dad: “Who’s there?”
How can you do math with your teeth?
When you go to the dentist and he gives you a shot some of your teeth will be numb and others will be number!
[this is the best wording I could come up with]
I originally posted this in r/MaliciousCompliance, but several commenters thought it would be good here as well. I hope this isn't a re-run for too many of you.
This was years ago when my son was starting middle school. I was transporting him and a group of his new friends. One of the friends was French, and spoke French at home. My son mentioned that I had taken French in high school, and so one of his friends asked me to say something in French and see if French girl could understand me.
Before I go on, a note on parenting style: we joke around with our kids all the time. I know that not all parents joke with their children; some of my kids' friends enjoyed to a dad who makes a joke, and some would look at me like I grew a second head.
So I said to the French girl, «quelque chose». Immediately the friends turned to French girl and asked "What did he say?"
I waited, wondering whether she would join my joke.
A sly smile crept across her face as she said, "he said...something". The rest of the trip, the friends tried to convince her to reveal what it was that I had said. «quelque chose» is the French phrase for "something".
his jokes were so funny i started crying from laughter
i guess i have a sense of aqueous humor
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"
"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
It was a brisk Saturday morning when Gerald arrived at “The Café,” a hip coffee shop right down the street. Wearing his large, burly black coat, he stared hesitantly at his watch. Thick glasses adorned his bright blue eyes, his gaze like starlight in a clear night sky. He was waiting, intently twiddling his thumbs. After a buzz of his phone, the message from Dad popped up: “Parking now, be there in 5.”
“Dad,” he whispered under his breath, swiping the message away to once again reveal the image on his lock-screen: a hazy picture of an ultrasound.
Gerald had not spoken to his father for three years. They had had a falling out, over which he did not remember. To him it was a competition of who could wait the longest without calling or sending a text. Who could wait the longest: him without a father, or his father without a son? The idea of friction in the relationship hurt like a thorn; piercing his soul more and more everyday. Until recently, out of the blue, “Dad” popped up on his phone. The rest is history. The rest leads to that Saturday morning, at The Café.
Bang! A car door rang out not too far from where Gerald stood. Gerald saw him. His father wore his tweed jacket like a coat of armor. His strut was now weaker than before they stopped talking; a weakness evident in his cane which supported every right step. His shortly trimmed white beard juxtaposed against his uncut, curly grey hair gave him the image of a wise wizard from a fairytale. He used to be that figure to Gerald, yet instead of a nice ancient being acting like a stone to keep him grounded, Gerald had felt as though his father was a rock pulling him deeper and deeper into a sea of monotony. Holding him back from his true potential. Maybe that was why he left? He still did not know.
“Hello, son,” came the withered voice Gerald had sook for so long, yet now that it had arrived wanted to avoid. “I can’t believe it’s been so long!”
“Yeah,” said Gerald, allowing a smile to grace his face. “Too long!”
Then they hugged, signifying a change in their relationship. Gerald had hoped something could happen to bring them closer together. He did not want to go on wondering what could have been. The regret and sadness weighed him down. Before starting a new family, Gerald wanted to be reacquainted with his own.
After finding their table and sitting down, the two began to discuss life. It was like old friends catching up after a long break. Although it took some time, Gerald began to warm u
... keep reading on reddit ➡He started clapping.
(Obligatory: actually happened today, my mom messaged me to complain about his bad joke. I thought it was fucking hilarious.)
She's 7, here's her attempt:
I saw someone on the couch, with no beard and my husband has a beard and my real husband started screaming "he's trying to steal all your money." That's the joke. Well, it might not be a joke, but it's funny. And then I said "it's you, you idiot, you shaved your beard off." It's a dad joke because it has a dad in it.
Me, eyebrow raised: “And why is that sweetheart?”
Her: “Because mine has a crack in it!”
I actually laughed. I don’t really know where she heard the joke or if she even knows why it’s funny, but it’s a good start to the day.
Proud dad moment.
Update: Thanks for all your applications! Give /u/parin89 and I a few days to take a look and confer!
(if you haven't put your application in yet, you've still got time)
-
Greetings /r/dadjokes subscribers,
Years have passed since this sub started up, and there are now literally millions of you. Whoa.
Two million people is just two many two handle for two moderators. Especially these days, when both /u/parin89 and I have two many other responsibilities and a whole lot less time. I'm 200% sure most of you would agree that more mods are needed.
So we're looking for 5 more moderators to get involved. If you're keen to apply, read the rest of this post and answer the three questions in your comment response.
Answer these 3 questions in your reply:
Only apply if:
We'd benefit from a few practical things as well, it would be great if:
Don't apply if:
We'll leave this stickied for a week and then come back to message a few people and make some selections.
A few years ago, we started a show that I quite frankly never thought would work.
Nearly four years later, including two sold out appearances at San Francisco Sketchfest and a local TV featurette, our show "Capitol PUNishment" is now streaming on Twitch Friday night at 8:30pm PST.
I hope it's ok to post this in here. If not, feel free to remove with no hard feelings. Just encouraging pun lovers to check out what is best described as "a fast-paced, in-the-moment spectacle that combines everything you love about gameshows, rap-battles, and "dad" jokes, into a unique and hilarious competitive format."
Our channel is twitch.tv/capitolpuns
Here's a little video to help paint the picture: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2RE9PgmfXo
In case this is your first time here (I haven't posted in a while), I find jokes here and elsewhere on the internet (and now my friends have started sending me jokes), and I text them to my daughter. I then capture her reactions for those sweet, sweet internet points.
Thanks very much to the original joke submitters. You dads are alright. If you missed any of the previous episodes:
EDIT: Since this is blowing up, I may as well mention that the young lady in question just passed her driver's license test this morning! Everyone congratulate her!
Also, thanks for the gold.
"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"
"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."
Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."
"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...
Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.
"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.
Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T
... keep reading on reddit ➡I've told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."
For the life of me, I can't figure why doesn't think this is hilarious. I keep making sure to remind her of it every time we are around new people. Hopefully if she hears the joke enough she will start to appreciate it.
He hiked several miles to a farmhouse, and asked the farmer if there was a place he could stay overnight.
“Sure,” said the farmer, “my wife died several years ago, and my two daughters are twenty-one and twenty-three, but they’re off to college, and I’m all by myself, so I have lots of room to put you up.”
Hearing this, the salesman turned around and started walking back toward the highway.
The farmer called after him,“Didn’t you hear what I said? I have lots of room.”
“I heard you,” said the salesman, “but I think I’m in the wrong joke.”
My friend once told me she watched Regular Show all the time. I said, "I guess you could say you watch it regularly." We are not friends anymore. (True Story)
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning… But I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow!
Looks tasty. Gimme a pizza that.
Why do eggs hate jokes? The answers always crack them up!
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? "Hey, close the door! I'm dressing!"
Somebody stole all my lamps…. And I couldn't be more de-lighted!
I once met a pig that did karate… We called him Pork Chop!
Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!
(Source For All Puns Except The First) https://bestlifeonline.com/bad-funny-puns/
What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!
I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!
Have you heard of that new movie, “Constipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.
I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said “No, doc, it’s dis knee.”
Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.
When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.
What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!
I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."
Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.
Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.
What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!
What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!
Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!
How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!
19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.
My friend told me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, “Yeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”
How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!
What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. “Taken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)
How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.
If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.
I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.
I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!
What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon
Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem
... keep reading on reddit ➡Because female problems tend to start with "men".
Edit: I'm not a feminist or taking a dig at men. Just making a joke. Also, I'm a man.
One evening Jake stole Joke’s bag and hid it just at the edge of a forest nearby. Next morning he told him what he had done and to be careful not to go far into the forest since it’s riddled with bears once you go into the deep forest part and you are sure to get eaten.
Since Joke didn’t return for a long period of time, Jake went looking for him. However, he couldn’t find his friend. Jake, feeling remorse, called the police and told them what had happened.
Unfortunately, the police were no help and the case started to gain traction with the media. Reporters from all the nearby villages wanted to be the one to crack the case and find Joke.
Jake slowly spiraled into despair, not knowing what happened, thinking he killed his friend and all he wanted was some answers, buying all the local newspapers every day hoping to read something new and gain some answers.
Day after day the event slowly slipped out of his mind as time went by with no new information whatsoever. Until one day, Jake decided to put this whole thing behind him and found a therapist to help him move on.
The therapy was a huge success, he completed all but one meetings and he had just one more to go. He arrived on time as always, but the therapist’s office was locked this time. Jake checked his mobile phone and he saw a message from his therapist that he’s gonna be a few minutes late and that he should sit down in the waiting room, relax, and wait for him.
Jake, as any reasonable person, sat down in the waiting room and started waiting. It was at this moment that his phone battery ran out and he became bored, very bored, so he picked up a random newspaper from the table in front of him and then he saw it, the headline he was waiting for for so long:
Joke gone too far.
Now, if you have a lot of time on your hands, let me explain. These puns are a timely solution to anyone starting to dadjoke. With enough hours of practice, they become clockwork to deliver. Sometimes it's best to watch others perform the joke. I know, some of you may be ticked off with me (which isn't alarming) using my firsthand information on how to easily make a pun and how it has really wound you up. Yes, I'll hand it to you, making a simple pun is second-best to the more thought out grander puns with all the bells and whistles. Whatever makes you tick, I guess.
It started out as just one dress, but she enjoyed it so much that she started making more. She told us that she is now fully embracing her hobby, and had decided to wear corsets for a week to prove that they can be comfortable and not torture devices. To which I replied: "So I guess you could say that your hobby is fully embracing you!"
Bonus: About 10 minutes previous, I had told one of the other people in the conversation that I'd been practicing my dad jokes for years before my daughter was born.
Happened tonight at a family event.
My brother in law needed to leave early to have dinner with his folks who are notorious for always having some kind of pork for dinner. The rest of the family started joking about if it would be ribs, pork chops, pork tenderloins, etc.
After they stop guessing I make the comment,
Boy all these jokes repeating just feels like Ground Hogs day...
Wife laughed, the in laws groaned. Not sure if I made friends or not 😂
so i know it was finally time. i went to his house and gave him my most treasured gift: my book "1001 Dad Jokes" he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said " thank you so much, im honored" which made me start crying. i responded with the only thing i could say "hi honored im dad"
So my dad just now made the dad joke of Christmas.
Mom: Hurry up and start rapping!
Dad: ( beep box/fake Rapping) okay there I'm starting!
So my mother was going for a theme with my brothers and I; all of our names would start with the letter D, however my name is Andrew.. see the joke is my brothers names are (in order) Damien, Devon, [and Drew][Andrew] so there you go
I'm a nanny, the family I work for typically hang out for 10-30 minutes before the parents leave me and baby alone, just to chat and catch up, as well as to mitigate any potential meltdowns from a sudden leaving.
Anyway, Baby has started walking and is very keen to investigate everything. Yesterday he was headed straight to the electrical outlet. So I said to him, "oh no that's not a toy! Our fingers don't go there,"
Dad says, "baby disagrees"
"That's shocking."
Dad, "That's better than any dad joke I've come up with"
So, we're driving up a tree-lined street where people often have wedding/family photos taken. It's lined with live oaks and is pretty beautiful. That prompted this conversation.
12 y/o daughter: Why do people sometimes get their wedding photos taken on train tracks? That doesn't make sense.
Me: Because they choo-choose to? [with a debt to Ralphie Wiggam]
6 y/o daughter (Loud groan): Papi, that's a terrible joke.
Me: So you think you could engineer a better one if I train you?
12 y/o: Dad why do you always make these awful jokes?
Me: Because I've got loco motives!
At that point I started laughing so hard I couldn't come up with anymore.
Because he has a holy boat.
Sorry, baby is due in January and figured it's time I start working on my dad jokes
Clown asks: "What do you call someone posing as a fake Italian chef? An im-pasta"
Man doesn't laugh
Clown asks: "What do you get when you cross a tiger and a bear? A tiger and a bear seeking revenge."
No response
Clown asks: "Which super hero asks the most questions? Wonder Woman"
Nothing
Clown asks: "Have you heard of the baseball team the Chicago Hot Dogs? They are the wurst"
Doesn't crack a smile
Clown asks: "Why was the alcoholic so annoying? He wined too much"
Clown starts to get nervous
Clown asks: "The disinterested hockey player got a penalty. What was it? Boarding"
Blank look
Clown asks: "What is a nun's favorite card game? Old Maid"
Yawn
Clown asks: "How do crustaceans celebrate birthdays? With crab cakes"
Annoyed
Clown asks: "What do you call a champion deer? A Win-doe"
grasping at straws
Finally Clown asks: "How do sheep sleep when they have nightmares? Baaaaadly"
He never laughs. Clown gives him his $100 and asks "Did any of my jokes make you laugh?"
Man says "No pun-in-ten-did"
As a professional children's entertainer, finding the dad jokes thread has been a real blessing. I work mainly with children between the ages of four and eight, and, for obvious reasons, I need to keep my jokes clean. In my business, a groan is just as good as the laugh because it usually is accompanied by a smile!
I'm afraid I don't know who started it, but the "this paper says otherwise" is easily one of my favorites. I took the liberty of having 500 business cards that say "otherwise" on them. I use them in my performances in a variety of ways. If I see a dad after my show who looks like the type who might enjoy a good pun, I will go up to him and ask him if he thought the show was good. Inevitably he will say yes, and I'll tell him that "Unfortunately this card says otherwise." I then leave the dad with the card to use at his own behest.
Just wanted to give a big shout out and a big thank you to the Dad jokes community for inspiration. People ask me what I do for a living and I tell them I'm the Jimmy Fallon to five-year-olds. Thanks so much for contributing all you guys do!
So, I'm new to this subreddit, so please don't berate me for posting a story instead of a joke ;-;
Anyways, my friend came over to my house for a 2 day sleepover a few weeks ago, and during the sleepover, we went to Petco to buy some stuff for my ferret. While we were there, we just kept gossiping about how cute all the animals there were. There were parrots, other ferrets, turtles, fish, a cat, and lizards.
When we were checking out the lizards, my dad immediately started to warn us about them...
"Don't talk to the lizard, kids! It might want to sell you car insurance! It'll only take 15 minutes or less!"
Gosh, I love my dad XD
I've told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."
For the life of me, I can't figure why doesn't think this is hilarious. I keep making sure to remind her of it every time we are around new people. Hopefully if she hears the joke enough she will start to appreciate it.
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