I remember 2019 like it were yesterday.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrockMcCain
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Man, I remember 2017 like it was yesterday
πŸ‘︎ 451
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheiMacNoob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2018
🚨︎ report
I remember last year like it was yesterday.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jon_Elvert
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I still remember 2017 like it was yesterday.

This part is optional, my option is no text.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MSSocialMedia
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2018
🚨︎ report
In the car yesterday, my dad told a really dumb pun. For the life of me, I couldn't remember it, so I asked him again this morning.

Me: "What was that really bad joke you told me in the car?" Dad: "It couldn't have been me" Me: "It was definitely you, Dad" Dad: "Nope. I know it wasn't me because I don't tell bad jokes"

Goddammit Dad

πŸ‘︎ 146
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gabewuzhere
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2014
🚨︎ report
I remember 2014 like it was yesterday.

Happy sun orbit dad jokers!

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bfreak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2015
🚨︎ report
Ahhh, 2020...

I remember it like it was yesterday.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/therealduckie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Obituary for the Pillsbury Dough Boy, Pop N Fresh

The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop N Serve", and/or "Pop N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy will be buried in this lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities will turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site is expected to be piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.

The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eyes_and_teeth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A joke about a suit that doesn’t fit?

Hey fam... My grandpa passed away yesterday and as I’ve been reflecting on old memories I vaguely remembered this old joke he used to tell me. I was hoping maybe someone in this community could help. I don’t remember much about it other than that it was about a suit that didn’t fit and the person in the joke had to keep getting it tailored. And maybe it was just the way my grandpa told the joke, but he’d always make this really theatrical voice and yell β€œhey! what did you do to my new suit?!” If anyone can help a grieving girl out that would be swell. :)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/missjayelle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Therapy

A psychiatrist asked his patient if he could remember one life changing moment that really stood out from any others.

He replied. "Why yes. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was running down the street with tears flowing from my eyes crying 'Its a boy, its a boy!' I made a concious decision that day to never visit another brothel in Thailand".

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad at my Grandmother's Funeral

My grandmother was cremated and we were having a service to pay our respects. I was scared and didn't want to go up to the altar alone so my dad went with me.

We stood there, side by side, and stared in reverent silence at the small simple wooden box which was holding my grandmother's ashes. After a minute or so passed my father bowed slightly, leaning in with what I assumed would be words of wisdom and said, "your grandmother was a lot smaller than I remember."

I had to fight just not to bust out laughing in a room full of mourners.

I was told to cross post this here from an askreddit thread yesterday

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2014
🚨︎ report
So, my youngest son was pestering me for candy at Party City one Halloween...

I gently told him "No" at least 6 times, and finally we were at the register. My wife was checking us out, and he asks again.

Me: "Son, if you ask for one more piece of candy, I'm going to go back in time and take away the candy you had yesterday."

He stopped asking.

My oldest son looks at me defiantly and says, "Okay, do it to me!"

{ thinks for a second }

Me: "Fine. Do you remember that Snickers bar you had yesterday?"

Oldest looks confused and says, "What?? I didn't have a Snickers bar yesterday!"

Me: "Exactly."

I pat him on the back as he processes, and we exit the store.

πŸ‘︎ 226
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πŸ‘€︎ u/denzien
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad pulled this one last week

My family was taking our grandmother back to a town in New Jersey. On the way there we were discussing how we were getting there, and our grandmother remembers a town we have to pass through on the way there. The town is called Mahwah.

So she says, "Does this road go to Mahwah.

To which my dad replies, "It sure does, but it also went today and yesterday".

If you don't get it, try reading it out loud.

πŸ‘︎ 971
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Old_Dean_Moriarty
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2013
🚨︎ report
Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? β€œMy Fare, Lady”.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physician’s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


β€œWhat’s purple and 5000 miles long?” β€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”


Every calendar’s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. β€œFour bucks,” says the bartender. β€œPut it on my bill.”


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Stolen from a friends Facebook post

OK... so did you ever notice how every time you spend 4 days alone in the woods and you make it out without a scratch or even a mosquito bite, and you're feeling all peaceful and relaxed and at one with the universe, you're not home 20 minutes and unloading the back of your truck when you slam your right shin into the trailer hitch... and amid the flashing white stars around you, your fists clench, your teeth grit, your body tenses and every "mean, nasty and ugly" word you ever read, heard, uttered or even imagined ("Wait... is #*&%#@!!! even a word??? Oh what the heck? It works!") goes tearing through your brain.... and eventually it passes and you keep working, surprised you're not even limping and it doesn't hurt more than it does... and almost an hour later, when you're finished and getting undressed to take your first hot shower in days, you see a lump on your shin the size of Rhode Island... and the first image that pops into your head is John Merrick yelling "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!... in fact, it literally looks like a second knee on your right leg... so you spend the rest of the evening keeping it elevated and icing it on and off, alternating between a blue gel pack and a bag of frozen peas.... and when you go to bed, you keep the gel pack on while you read and then take it off before you go to sleep... and then you wake up around 3AM and decide to check your shin and the swelling has gone down quite a bit... but since you still have several hours before you get up, you decide to ice it again... but the gel pack on the floor is no longer cold so you get up, walk to the kitchen and open the fridge... and after taking a bite of leftover pizza from last night (because... well, you're here and what the heck?), you go into the freezer, grab the bag of frozen peas and take them back to bed with you... but they're all frozen into one big solid ball and well, that won't do... so you lay the bag on the bed to pound it once or twice to break them up, but instead the bag bursts open and suddenly there are frozen peas sprayed all over the bed and rolling onto the floor... and all those words from yesterday come rushing back into your head as you kneel to gather them all up... but suddenly your anger completely vanishes and you can't help laughing to yourself as you think, "gee, I can't remember the last time I pea'd the bed in the middle of the night"???

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Markwittz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2017
🚨︎ report
A customer got me real good with this one.

Yesterday, joking around with a regular customer of mine, he asks me if I knew about the early days of the Indianapolis 500. I make up some BS about how, in the olden times, they ran the race on cows. He comes back today, the following convo takes place.

Customer- Remember how you told me the Indy 500 was raced on cows?
Me- Yeah
Customer- I guess that's why they call it steering.

He followed it up with- Let's not get into blowing the horn.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nodnarb232001
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2016
🚨︎ report
While discussing basic French...

Me and my dad were trying to remember what the word french word for 'yesterday' is. We had previously said that 'tomorrow' is 'demain', and 'today' is 'aujourd'hui'. My brother then chimes in from across the table and slyly states that 'yesterday' must then be 'oui aujourd'hui'.

Dad was proud.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImNotRennie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2014
🚨︎ report
Brushing Up on Dad Jokes

My wife is currently pregnant with our first so I've been practicing.

My cousin, his friend and I were target shooting yesterday and swapping stories.

My cousin asks his friend, "Do you remember that time we shot the fence and it came back?" (He meant a ricochet.)

I responded with, "Wow, then it must have really loved you."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vunterslaush825
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2015
🚨︎ report
CRS

>Dad: I went to the doctor yesterday and he told me my problem.

>Me: What's that?

>Dad: I don't remember.

>Me: You went to the doctor yesterday, how do you not remember?

>Dad: Oh, now I remember.

>Me: ...Okay, what is it?

>Dad: CRS

>Me: What does that stand for?

>Dad: I don't remember.

>Me: How do you not remember?

>Dad: Oh now I remember

>Me: What is it then?

>Dad: CRS.

>Me: No, what does CRS stand for?

>Dad: I don't remember

>Me: You're making no sense, what does CRS stand for?

>Dad: Can't remember shit.

People in the car with us made a simultaneous sigh.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vythrin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2014
🚨︎ report
I remember 2019 like it was yesterday
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pae913
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I remember 2018 as if it was only yesterday
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ordinarybloke1963
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I remember 2017 like it was yesterday...
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dothepropellor
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2018
🚨︎ report
I remember May like it was yesterday
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/da_shread
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2015
🚨︎ report
I’ve suffered from addiction for many years

Since I can remember I’ve been addicted to the hokey pokey, but yesterday I finally turned myself around

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tommy_like_wingie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
The year 2020 was very dynamic

I remember it like yesterday.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shishir-nsane
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œDad, you forgot to call me yesterday.”

β€œI did call you yesterday. But then I remembered your name is not yesterday.”

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jez1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Ah 2019...

I remember it as if it were yesterday.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
2018 was an amazing year

I remember it like it was yesterday

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robokid309
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Do you remember the 21st night of September?

I remember it like it was yesterday.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mariosonic500
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Happy New Year Everyone!

I'll remember 2015 like it was yesterday.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/parin89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2015
🚨︎ report
I have exceptional memory.

I can remember last year like it was yesterday.

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/loyalantar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2017
🚨︎ report
"2013 was great."

Mom: "2013 was great."

Dad: "I remember it like it was yesterday."

πŸ‘︎ 182
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VanceWorley
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2014
🚨︎ report
My favorite thing to say on January 1st

I remember last year like it was yesterday.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OpticMoose
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2014
🚨︎ report

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