I Me Puns

Shit..l meant to post this somewhere else.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?” I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

I don't listen - and something else.

I said it must be my weekend immune system

I said okay... Bi den.

It’s my jingle bell rock.

I had to get a running start but I made it!

I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers

"...40 second birthday". I was so proud.

She still isn't talking to me

He’s my spirit guide.

Edit: Thanks guys.

...don’t you mean “pair o’ medics”?

I said, “Yes please.”

Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”

Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.

It really rocked my world.

I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.

I had to put my foot down

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

But no one believes me when I say Iran.

^(For everyone confused, Iran is in between Iraq and Afghanistan on a map.)

He said, "What do you mean by that?"

"Well thank you. You're not so bad yourself."

Why did the tree moo?

Because there was a cow stuck in it!

I said maybe

With years of waiting I finally said "Hay pregnant I'm dad" "No, no you are not" she responded

She said “fine, suture self.”

Now I’m homeless.

Turns out identity theft is a crime

So I called her Bluff...

I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”

I've done that, but what do I do with the letter.

I just don't know how I could ever repay them!

I told him it’s Naan of his business

Edit: he could have replied “papa dumb”

Let that sink in.

“You herd me!"

“Officer, the sign clearly says to ‘pet area.’”

I replied "Thank you, thank you very much."

I haven’t heard from him since.

He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”

I turn to her and say “I bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”

Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy

The doctor says I can clearly see your nuts

It was a poutine traffic stop.

He said, "Let's get a headphone Jill, then!"

My grades are below C-level

I told him I Reddit

Guess i have become tasteless

I always have trouble with emotional attachments.

I tell them the answer is simple...Toboggan!

Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"

Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*

Me: "Well played."

I haven’t heard from him since.