What do you call a guy who uses super glue instead of lube with his girl friend?

A man trapped in a woman's body.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/russells-crockpot
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2014
🚨︎ report
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?

Just a crab.

Background: this young girl just bought a hermit crab and had a tank. This guy with his wife and kids told her it was the most active hermit crab he's ever seen, then laid this line on her. His wife rolled her eyes, but he seemed super proud.

I was the only one to laugh at this joke. My wife also rolled her eyes.

Dads unite.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Question About Empanadas...

So there is this super amazing girl, and she loves two things. Puns and empanadas. I want to ask her to prom while gifting her with many beef empanadas, but I really want to find a pun to use on her as I present the tray of food. Do you guys have any empanada based puns?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/floormat1000
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad was offered sex for services. (x-post r/funny)

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla at your nearest drug and convenience store. Act now and save 1.50 off your next purchase.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Vance524
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2016
🚨︎ report
Grandma goes to Cold Stone

Took my precious grandparents to Cold Stone for a late night snack. After waiting line, trying many samples and finally ordering and getting our ice cream, my grandma goes to pay. After some searching, she hands the cashier her rewards card and continues to search for her money. After a little more fumbling, she looks up to see the cashier with a funny look on her face and tells my grandma she can't use that card. My grandma is confused and asks, "why, is it expired?" To which the young girl responds, "no, it's just that we're not Ohmaha Steaks."

My grandma is super embarrassed and my grandpa turns to me and says, "it seems your grandma has a case of cardszheimers."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pennyrae
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2016
🚨︎ report
My cousin was telling tall tales at dinner last night.

His father told him that if shit were concrete then he would be a super highway.

I giggled like a little school girl.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NavySasquatch
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2014
🚨︎ report
Dadjoking Shorty (part 1)

A bit of backstory. I'm notorious among my circle of friends for telling "terrible puns/jokes" I think it's amazing, but I'd been rolling them out all day, patience for puns must've gotten shortened.

I'm talking with Shorty (named because she had short hair) and she was telling me about a book she had started.

Shorty "So the book's called 'Cutting for Stone' and it's like a doctor drama kinda thing, the only issue is that that it's super heavy on the medical terminology, so many bloody surgeries and procedures are listed, and I don't really know anything about that kids stuff. Like it's got an interesting plot but I don't know if I can't finish it, I'm not to sure I'm cut out for it"

At that last line I began laughing (her pun was unintentional) and compliment her on it "ha that was good. You're not 'cut out' for it"

Shorty "Oh god that was terrible just stop"

Me "You want me to 'cut' it out?"

Shorty "I'm going to kill you if you keep this up woman"

Me "You're gonna 'cut' me up?"

Shorty "Your jokes are terrible and it's proven that puns make people angry"

At this point I was just rolling in my chair laughing I really couldn't keep it together, possibly the best reply rolls through my head after this comment, I crack up, there I am choking out as tears come to my eyes. "Well it's a good thing it's not a PUNishable offense"

The girl next to me starts laughing as shorty yells at me how I can't just start crying at my own jokes.

TLDR; A witty banter of sharper than usual humor, as I walk a razor thin line of pissing off my friend and pissing myself with laughter.

I have many other stories so I titled this part one,if anybody likes my writing and jokes I'll share the rest!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bingo4913
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.