He said "I don't think that's a weakness"
"Well I don't give a f* what you think"
Dad : Yes, you are my Unison.
I’m entrance
I am not a dad. I am a daughter. For longer than I can remember, I have called my dad at "too early" times in the morning, woke him up, and told him a joke. This was a daily occurrence. Hence how I found this sub.
My dad died on Monday. You guys helped me wake him up with laughter so many times and I got to hear him laugh every day. Thank you r/dadjokes.
Edit: spelling
Wow I really did not expect so many people to see this post or to take the time to comment and reach out to me. Thank you all so much for your thoughts and kind words. It really means a lot. This is a great community and I'm so glad to have found it. As a mom to two beautiful little jokesters, I will absolutely continue pestering them with daily jokes and keep the tradition and the laughter alive.
For those asking, his favorite jokes were the really long ones that took forever to tell and had bad/ the best punchlines. The one that immediately sticks out was posted here either Sunday or Monday and was the last one I got to tell him. I will see if I can find it and figure out how to link. It was about a farmer who really loved tractors.
Thank you to the kind redditors who found it for me.
https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/slwg7y/bit_of_a_story_to_this_one_but_well_worth_the_read/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
For context I work in a prison as a nurse. The other nurses were looking up charges for one of the inmates and hes in for capital murder. One of the nurses asks, "Whats the difference between capital murder and just murder anyway?" to which I was quick to say "usually a bigger M"
I guess Ive been a dad too long now that it comes natural
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."
The nurse asked the rabbit, “what is your blood type?”
“I am probably a type O” said the rabbit.
We have the toot in common.
And after that I’ll see
She continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"
That’s none of your business. Am I being detained?
One of the seals asks her, "Are you sure you're a seal?" "Of course I am!" she answers angrily.
Another seal chimes in. "Can't you tell by her ears and flippers?"
"she lyin!"
It is always 90 degrees.
I was very surprised that he responded : "Yes, because I am A Man!"
Luke asked "Who's there?"
God: "Luke, I am your Father."
“Driver’s license?” the blonde driver asks, somewhat confused.
“You know, the little rectangle with your face on it that you keep in your purse,” the blonde cop explains patiently.
“Oh, that!” the blonde driver exclaims. She digs around in her purse and finally pulls out a small rectangular mirror, which she hands to the blonde cop.
The blonde cop looks at the mirror and exclaims, “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am, you’re free to go…I didn’t realize you were a cop!”
Edit: Some people in the comments are saying that this is not a dad joke, I put this here cause my dad told this one to me. Hope this makes sense :)
... and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. 'You just happened to catch my eye.'
My daughter is 14 and has been asking for a nose ring for a while now. She thinks she will wear me down but she is wrong (this time). She was out shopping with my wife today... this is how our conversation went.
Daughter: Dad, what if your christmas present was to just let me get my nose pierced with a tiny cute lil" sparkle??!!
Me: No. You have plenty of holes in your ears ( 3 each 🙄, not my idea ) Buy a nose ring and put it in your ear hole if you need to. We'll call it a "near" ring. 😉
Daughter: U R Not funny.
Me: Kinda funny? 😁
Daughter: No.
In summary: I was/am so proud of myself that I thought I would share. 🤣🤣 Hope you enjoy!
This is more dad humor than a dad joke.
Cake day is coming up and so my son decided to give me a hard time about being old.
I responded that I may be old be he was catching up. He looked at me funny so I explained.
“When I was 24 you turned 1 year old. At that moment I was 24:1 or 24 times your age.
I am now 40 and you are 17 so 40:17 or 2.35 times your age. 24 is much larger than 2.35 so clearly you are catching up”
He responded, you can’t use ratios to compare two dates.
I said sure I can and made a graph:
https://imgur.com/gallery/5atlNhZ
I even included percentages to drive home the point.
He smacked his head and walked away.
Hi unforgiving, I'm dad"
"Yes you are"
He's only 4 months old but I can't wait to use this. My son's name is Luke.
One asks, "What’s your favorite kind of music?"
The other says, "I am a big metal fan."
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
She replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
Doctor replies "I am extremely busy today. You're just gonna have to be a little patient."
The moth drops down into the nearest chair and says “What’s the problem?”
Moth says “I don’t even know where to start. First of all, my boss is a vicious tyrant who gets off on the petty torments he puts me through day in and day out, and I’m too spineless to stand up to him, so I just take it and I’ve gradually come to hate myself for it. Also, every morning I wake up to the same prune-face old crone to whom I pledged my vows so many years ago. I used to love her, but that love has become like some sun-festering beached whale trying to die. We lost our daughter last year to one of the bitterest, coldest winters we’ve ever had to face in this region. Isn’t it funny, doc, how all the prayer circles and charity drives in the world amount to pretty much nothing in the face of that cold, impartial face of winter, that bleak, pounding, harsh fist of a callous environment, carrying on with its machinations without regard to our lives, loves, hopes and dreams? Isn’t that hysterical, Doc? Oh and then there’s my son. Doc, I don’t love him anymore. I don’t know what it is but I look in his eyes and I see that same harried look of gutless cowardice that I see when I stare at my own face in the mirror. If I wasn’t such a coward, Doc, I know I’d be able to scrape together enough pride to grab that cocked and loaded shotgun I keep by the bedside table, and just run amok and put an end to this grim facade once and for all. I start with the wife, then the boy of course before putting the barrell in my own mouth. Believe you me, Doc, I’d be doing the world a favor. I have nothing to look forward to but a continuation of this spiraling black hole that is my life, this existential cesspool that is the perpetuation of my lingering skid-mark on society. I despise people yet I crave their approval. I’m judgemental yet I care about nothing. I’m bitter, hateful and afraid. I’m alive yet I feel like the walking dead. This is it, Doc: I am a living, breathing, disease.”
The doctor stares at him for a while then finally says “Jeez, Moth, you definitely have some problems. But I’m a podiatrist. You need a psychiatrist. Why’d you come in here?”
The moth says,”Your light was on.”
For a bit of context, in human anatomy the chin is referred to as “mental” which is why the area below the chin is considered “sub mental.”
So I am in Anatomy Lab which is being held on Zoom due to Covid, and this is our last lab session for the semester before we transition to Neuro Lab for the remainder of the semester.
So all of my anatomy professors are present and the professor asks “Are there any questions before we begin?”
me bursting at the seams with this joke I’ve been sitting on for 2 weeks
“Yes Professor I wanted to ask, is your chin okay?” “My…my chin?” “Yea, I was told that if you care about someone, you should check on their mental health, you know?” cue the professors all slowly getting the joke before they all start laughing out loud
I got a mix of groans from fellow classmates and praise from professors for being clever. My professor asked where my kid was, as this was a textbook dad joke.
I hope you guys enjoyed it as much as my professors did. It was a golden opportunity that I couldn’t pass up.
It's true
Like all beings, the cow was brought into being by the universe.
The cow was very curious about its existence and asked a lot of questions of the universe.
"what am I?" it asked.
"a cow" the universe relied.
"why am I here?" it asked
"to be a cow" the universe relied, and nudged a pile of hay nearby, trying to distract her from digging deeper into that question.
The universe has a lot on its plate, existentially speaking, and in the past its gotten a bit fed up with some of its creatures.
But after what happened to Adam and Eve, the universe learned to be more patient with inquisitive beings.
The success of cats is largely because they take responsibility for their own curiosity.
But the cow was a bit needier, seeking answers rather than exploration.
The universe hoped the smell from the hay would entice it to act rather than ask.
"What's that?" the cow asked.
"Hay" the universe sighed..."for eating," it added, hoping to keep the cow quiet for a while so the universe could focus on other things.
It worked for a while but as soon as the cow's 4 stomachs were full it started asking questions again.
And that's when the universe created a bull.
"And what is that?" she asked
"That's a bull" the universe replied and wiggled its existential eyebrows suggestively.
The cow headed over to the bull and chatted him up, leaving the universe in peace for a while.
The cow was content in until she started started noticing some changes in her body.
"what's this?" she asked, pointing to her swelling body.
"You're pregnant" it replied.
She got really curious about what that meant and became very hyper asking question after question about pregnancy and birth.
She remained excited throughout the gestation, asking questions to prepare for her for the birth.
But when the day came she relaxed, and stayed focused on the task at hand. And after she gave birth, she was exhausted!
Nevertheless, she pulled herself together, looked at the baby that she brought in to the world and, predictably, asked the universe:
"What's that?"
"A calf" the universe sighed, trying to accept the relentless inquisitiveness of the cow.
"Ohhhh!" she sighed, "that explains it!"
The universe blinked. It couldn't help itself.
"Explains what?" it asked.
"Why I'm so tired!"
The universe paused.
"it's because," the cow said, "I'm decalfinated".
And the universe took the power of speech away from the cow for eternity.
... ...
Edited
... keep reading on reddit ➡The bartender asks the horse if he's an alcoholic because he's always there, and the horse replies, "I don't think I am." Then POOF! The horse disappears.
Some of you are giggling at this because you're familiar with the philosophical proposition of cogito ergo sum, or "I think, therefore I am."
I could have explained that beforehand, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Just as he swings back his ax to begin his first chop, the tree cries out : "Wait! Don't cut me down! I am a talking tree!"
The lumberjack momentarily stunned stops, but then goes back to chopping down the tree saying, "Well then mate. I guess you're going to just have to dialog!"
"I am at your Quebec and call."
"Uke, I am your father."
Daughter: Dad, whats your name?
Me: You know that, daddy.
Daughter: whats this? (Pointing to nose)
Me: Nose
Daughter: what am I holding? (Hands are open together like a bowl)
Me: Nothing
Daughter: ha! Daddy nose nothing.
She got me good!
Bill retires, having worked for the same employer for 34 years, after graduating from college. After a year, the inactivity starts to get to him. So, he goes and gets a job as a greeter at WalMart. Everyone loves him. Kids behave in the store, women remark at what a gentleman he is, little old ladies say he is gallant, even the employees are more productive after walking in past Bill every morning. The only problem is, Bill is late… Every, Single, day. The Manager covers for him as long as he can, but finally HR decrees that bill has to click in on time, or go.
So, the manager sits down with Bill, and says.. Bill.. everyone likes you, and you do a great job. But you’re late every day. Bill Replies.. ‘yea, I am, I Guess I could try to work on that.’ The manager asks ‘Bill, what did they say when you were late at your last job?’
Bill thinks for a minute, and replies ‘Good Morning, Admiral, would you like a cup of coffee, sir?’
The nurse asked the rabbit "What is your blood type?"
"I am probably a type O" said the rabbit.
