Do you wanna know how I escaped Iraq?
How do you know when it's a Dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Do you know how badass lions are?
They became kings of the jungle without even living there
Every time i drive over a railroad crossing I say there's been a train through here recently do you know how I can tell?
How do you know Kermit didn't have asthma?
Because it's not wheezy being green.
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
They are all girls, otherwise they'd be uncles!
How do you know pirates prefer voluptuous women?
They’re always hollering “a vast bootie!!!”
Do you know how to change a tire?
You could start with that shirt.
How do you know if a product is made in Germany?
How do you know how heavy a chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
How do you know when you’re in love with a robot?
How do you let birds know when you've refilled the bird feeder?
How do you know that trees long to vacation at the beach?
Because they always bring their trunks.
How do you know the work week will get even crazier after Monday and Tuesday?
Because all that's left is WTF.
How do you know if a zombie studied law?
He always eats the arms first, however, legislator.
What Do You Call a Bird That Knows How to Fight?
How do you know if a dog is male or female?
Stroke its head.
If he wags his tail, it's male.
If she wags her tail, it's female.
How do you know where your nearest source of electricity is?
By their current location.
How do you know a clock is still hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
How do you know when it is time for cows to go to sleep?
When it’s pasture bedtime.
How do you know your turtle is dead?
Do you know how to distinguish between an alligator and a crocodile?
One sees you later and the other after a while.
How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed?
Your head hits the ceiling!
A young boy was walking to school when he saw a dead dog in the road. When he got to school he told his teacher what he saw. “How do you know if the dog was dead?” She asked the boy. “I know because I pissed in his ear.” The teacher looked horrified. “What do you mean you pissed in his ear??”
‘I went up to him and went “Pssstt!” in his ear and he didn’t move.’
Do you know how to tell the difference between people from Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones. The ones from Abu Dhabi do
How do you know priests like vegetables?
Because they always say: “peas be with you”.
How do you know when you've had a good Jurassic workout?
How do you know if a joke is good?
It registers on the sighsmograph.
Do You know how to tie the knot in space?
I'm floating away very quickly.
How do you know if the meat you’re eating is donkey?
Do you know how many women have been pope?
Do you know how to make holy water?
You just boil the hell out of it.
Do you know how flat-earthers call 2020?
How do you know when a joke is mature?
How do you know your Rice Crispies are stoned?
They go, "Snack, Popple, and Crap!"
Do you know how many South Americans speak Portuguese?
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. ‘Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?’
‘Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths ‘ was his technically correct answer
Do you know how I keep track of all my Mediterranean friends?
Italy.
(My friends actually appreciated this one so I thought I'd share it here.)
How do you know E.T. Is a Liverpool fan?
How do you know if cheese is delicious?
How do you know when a watch is off work?
Do you know how the guy went bankrupt?
No! Well he was reading a book on how to get rich and then he went to chapter 11.
How do you know when the beef is smoking?
When the steaks are high!!!
Do you know how I embrace my mistakes?
I hug my wife and children
How do you get to know someone?
With ^^^^^^small ^^^^^^talk
Do you know how karma is calculated?
How do you know whether not a dog is trained?
Trained dogs often have better pawsture
How do you know you’ve grated enough cheese?
When it turns red.
BONUS CONTENT: I painfully remembered this one while cooking dinner tonight.
How do you know when dough has finished rising?
When it has nothing left to prove
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said "It's going to rain". His wife asked "how do you know?"
"Because rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
How do you know an amusement park isn't fake?
When you see the ferris wheel.
(Made this joke after a 10 minute argument with my 5 year old niece. She pointed out the ferris wheel and I kept saying "I know... the fair is real.")
How do you know when the moon has had enough to eat?
How do you know if an ant is a male or a female?
They're all females, otherwise they'd be uncles
How do you know if a blondie has infringed copyrights?
She didnt copy the left side.
Doctor: I think you have severe iron deficiency. Me: How do you know?? I just walked in!
Doctor: Your clothes are all wrinkled.
So I was singing All Star in the car the other day, and my friend asked “How do you know all the words” so I swiftly replied:
Do you know how to distinguish an alligator from a crocodile?
By paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
How do you know a witches car is coming?
You can hear 'broom broom'
You know how when geese fly they fly in a V formation and one side is always longer than the other? Do you know why that is?
There are more geese on that side.
Do you know how common the "Tom Jones Syndrome" is?
How do you know that frogs are skateboarding enthusiasts?
They’re always saying “rip it” “rip it” “rip it”
Do you know how to catch a polar bear?
You start by cutting a hole in the ice. Then put peas all around it. When a bear walks up to take a pea, you kick it in the ice hole.
How do you know if an IT Storage Engineer is doing their job?
Because the are making a beeping noise - beep! beep! beep! because they are are backing up.
How do you know when a vehicle doesn't work out?
You should check if it has ABS
How do you know if you're a necrophiliac?
how do you know poor quality paper?
Do you even know how terrifying the alfabet is.
How do you know if it's a dad joke?
How do you know that a vocalist is at your door?
They can't find the key and don't know when to come in.
How do you know that someone is a seascape painter?
How do you know the tooth brush was invented by rednecks?
Anyone else would of called it a teethbrush.
How do you know if there’s a dinosaur in your fridge?
How do you know an angle is too drunk?
Do you know how to make a small fortune in the record industry?
Start with a large fortune.
How do you know you eat like a bird?
How do you know if a Tickle Me Elmo works?
Give it a couple test-tickles!
How do you know when you're drowning in milk?
How do you know if a sniper likes you?
How do you know if a potato had a great day?
How do you know when things are getting out of hand?
How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke
How do you know if it's a dad joke?
How do you know when a joke has become a dad joke?
When the punch line has become apparent
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke
How do you know a joke is a dad joke?
Because the joke is apparent
Do you wanna know how I escaped ISIS?
Do you know how I got out of Iraq?
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
How do you know if a sniper likes you?
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