I came home to my vegan girlfriend eating a steak.
I said, "Wow, that's rare."
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︎ Feb 14 2023
My wife asked me to remind her to get ice cream for a pie we had on the way home
I immediately bellowed "REMEMBERRRRRR THE AALLAMOOODE!
Not kidding pulled this up in real time. Pretty proud of it
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︎ Jan 20 2023
Girl texted me βcome over, nobodyβs homeβ
So I got all excited and went, and nobody was home.
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︎ Feb 27 2023
Did you hear about the cartoonist dead at his home?
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︎ Feb 04 2023
I can't sleep at night because of a loud ticking noise outside my home
I think it must be the Neighborhood Watch.
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︎ Feb 25 2023
Our oldest has been obsessed with the new God of War. When he got home from school, I said "did you hear that they have two more games planned?"
His face lit up and he asked "really?"
"Yeah, the follow-ups to Ragnarok: Ragnapaper and Ragnascissors."
He is currently not speaking to me.
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︎ Nov 17 2022
A Jewish man's son leaves, and returns home a Christian
The man goes to discuss the matter with his Jewish neighbor.
"It happened with my son, too! He left home Jewish and came back a few days later a Christian."
They go to talk to the rabbi about this issue. "You're not gonna believe this," the rabbi told them. "My Jewish son also left and came back a Christian!"
So they had to take it a level higher. The rabbi talked to God, "our sons are leaving home and returning as Christians! What's going on?"
God replies "so, you're not gonna believe this..."
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︎ Nov 20 2022
Apparently, keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain.
Must be all the indoor fins.
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︎ Jan 22 2023
They repoβd my smart home
They took everything and the kitchen sync.
π︎ 13
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︎ Feb 20 2023
Back in the old western days, cowboys used to hang a light from their saddle at night to help them find their way home.
This was early saddle light navigation.
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︎ Jan 07 2023
Due to the prevelance of working from home...
Michael Stipe and band members are stuck facing north west.
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︎ Mar 01 2023
The host of the party told me, βMake yourself at homeβ, so I got comfortable.
Turns out English wasnβt his native language, and he was asking me to leave.
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︎ Jan 03 2023
Got home to find out my kids had been on eBay all day
If they're still there tomorrow I'll lower the price
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︎ Dec 11 2022
Before I got married, this woman I used to date said "Come over, No one's home."
I came over and no one was home.
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︎ Jan 07 2023
my dad came home sad and told me he lost his job at the local pool as a lifeguard. I asked why?
He said the little blue kid got me fired.
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︎ Feb 24 2023
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit and smelling like honey.
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︎ Feb 01 2023
My son asked me to explain about solar eclipses for his home work.
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︎ Mar 02 2023
I once saw a home that had 22 bedrooms and no bathrooms
Very strange. In fact, it was downright uncanny.
π︎ 4
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︎ Mar 02 2023
I forgot my watch at the bar on my way home...
When I got there I saw a guy standing on my watch and harassing this girl. So, I knocked him out! Nobody messes with women on my watch!
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︎ Mar 03 2023
I bought a chair lift for my home
At first, it was uplifting. Now, itβs a letdown.
π︎ 6
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︎ Feb 18 2023
We birthed our child at home so, he wasn't delivery,
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︎ Dec 24 2022
I Got Back Home Today and My Puppy Ate my Entire Pack of Cigarettes.
I donβt know how to punish him now if he starts smoking.
π︎ 7
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︎ Feb 08 2023
Never let a baby design your home.
Every room will be a crawl space.
π︎ 16
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︎ Feb 25 2023
BREAKING: Police Sent to Investigate Home of Man Who Stole the Head From Famous Venus deMilo Statue.
π︎ 8
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︎ Feb 04 2023
What would happen if you took the school bus home?
The police would make you bring it back.
π︎ 9
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︎ Feb 22 2023
Why did the Viking stay at his old coastal home?
Because he couldnβt affjord a new one!!
π︎ 15
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︎ Feb 18 2023
2yo came home with a small art piece of a clown but it was missing an eye.
Told my wife we better head to the basement to shelter from the cyclown.
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︎ Feb 20 2023
I brought home some cattle from a farm
π︎ 6
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︎ Feb 04 2023
This hit me on my way home
My son asked me a question about a rock mine. It was Coryβs quarry query.
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︎ Jan 23 2023
Awkward day today. My grandma got kicked out of the nursing home for acting like witch and placing spells on residents.
Apparently she would yell "I CAST IRON" and hit them with a skillet.
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︎ Feb 04 2023
why did the chef avoid cooking at home?
The fans at home were exhausting
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︎ Feb 20 2023
I asked an Eskimo how he prevents his home from falling apart.
He replied.....I gloo it together.
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︎ Dec 29 2022
My wife accidentally brought home whole bean coffee. We don't have a grinder.
So I took the coffee beans and threw them on the floor. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"Look" I said. "Ground coffee!"
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︎ Nov 03 2022
Which sandwich is a home invader?
π︎ 4
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︎ Jan 11 2023
Chinese takeout $50, gas to get there $10, Getting home to find theyβve forgotten one of your dishes.
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︎ Sep 25 2022
My wife got angry at me because I was drunkenly shoveling the driveway when she got home.
I don't get it. I told her I'd stop drinking this winter, with snow exceptions.
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︎ Jan 15 2023
My wife forgot to pick me up some protein powder on the way home today
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︎ Feb 04 2023
Home Stallone
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︎ Aug 01 2022
After 25 years of working, my wife is now a stay at home mom.
Her ashes are in the urn on the mantle.
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︎ Oct 30 2022
From my 12 year old daughter: What do you call it when someone who likes both guys and girls is home alone?
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︎ Sep 19 2022
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
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︎ Feb 02 2023
I just got home from having a vasectomy
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︎ Jan 08 2023
Cowboys in the old west used to hang lanterns on their saddles at night to help them find their way home.
This was an early form of saddle light navigation.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 19 2023
Did you know that keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain?
It's due to all the indoor fins.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jan 20 2023
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