#Beginning in the 11th Month, 218AC...
There was much to do, and Matarys Targaryen would see it done. Sitting behind his small desk in the little office in the Red Keep that he occupied while his true headquarters was under construction, he wrote letters and summonses(?) to various folks around the city. The five Blackcoat guards that traveled with him also served as messengers, to those that required it.
Letters sent from King's Landing in the second half of 211AC from Matarys Targaryen to various destinations.
Also, smaller RPs that do not qualify for their own threads.
First off, yes, this is the title of Collective Soul's first cd. They were my first band that I can say that I was truly a fan of. I loved them. Their music meant the world to me. In some ways, it still does.
This is not about them though. This is about a friend whom I believe left hints that created allegations because of things (mostly) left unsaid.
Wednesday, November 9th. 6:06 PM. Via text I invited my friend out for a couple of pitchers. He was broke and I'd just gotten paid. Why not take possibly the best friend I've ever had out? He didn't want to close the bar out because he had to open the next morning. He was responsible and thought about the consequences of his actions with great foresight. I respect that. He picked me up from work at 10 PM and to the bar we go. Twas karaoke night and neither of us are singers but we kept egging the other on to get up and sing. We both failed but so be it. He didn't like that kind of attention. He talked about his job future, his soon-to-be girlfriend, and going to the Renaissance Festival because I'd received some tickets from another good friend. We had laughs, jokes, and overall a good time. We closed out the bar tipsy but had our wits about us, went to get some fast food and went to my apartment less than a quarter of a mile away. After devouring our food we started rough housing and body boxing (boxing below the neck) because we do that. This lasted for a good 30 minutes which left us exhausted and me beaten because he's physically in better shape and a better fighter than I. My wrist still hurts because I can't throw a proper punch. He talked a bit more about his soon-to-be girlfriend and he went home. And then he shot himself in the face. What. The. Fuck.
I've always been jealous of this motherfucker. He used to remind me of me when I first met him as a goofy 17 year old nerdy stoner who didn't take himself seriously. He was 28. He had confidence, charisma and looked like a fat Dave Grohl, which girls liked. If he needed a favor, I said yes before he asked and vice versa. One of the traits he looked for in the girls he dated was that they had to accept his friends or they can fuck off. And vice versa. I fucking loved him for the human that he was and I only recently found out that he considered me one of the top 3 friends he'd ever had thanks to a journal he'd apparently been keeping. Never have I trusted another human being more. And he deserves a goddamned Oscar for hiding this much pain from me.
... keep reading on reddit ➡So what was causing my anxiety attacks and what's the solution? Read and find out at https://neverfearmegishere.wordpress.com/2012/09/24/no-hints-allegations-or-things-left-unsaid/.
The answer was not what I (and maybe previous readers) was expecting...
NB: I am well aware my blog is behind some of my shorter posts here and my tweets. But I'm a bit of a perfectionist with the blog.
One of the more frustrating parts of being queer is that we're all representatives of the culture (whether we want that or not). I'm not the friend who happens to be queer, I'm the queer friend -- or the trans, bi, whatever. I'm the label first and the person second. On one hand it's nice people finally have a script to go off of, so there's fewer blank or surprised reactions coming out. On the other, well -- everyone's got an opinion now. Which is fine except for that ambassador bit I mentioned. Now I'm like the Queer Pope, and I must bless it now.
"Holy Pronoun, Who Art Thou In ... whatever." Here's the thing -- it seems obvious to say someone doesn't have to be queer to support LGBTQ rights. For some reason though, in the rush to be politically correct the message got marked return to sender; They're not queer rights, they're everybody's.
Just because I'm in the culture doesn't mean I somehow feel slighted because someone decides to go out in drag on a dare, or because they think it's funny. It's okay to joke about your gender being an "attack helicopter". I mean, who hasn't had a passing attraction to military hardware? It would solve many otherwise socially awkward moments with coworkers. Pew. Pew.
One of (many) unfortunate things to come out of the disreputable institution of Political Correctness is the idea that a person's identity can't be mix and match. Take a little from this culture, a little from that, and make it their own. That's at the core of what freedom of expression and individuality is, and it's under siege now with the misguided idea that it's wrong to "appropriate". No, it's completely appropriate to appropriate -- that's the thing about culture. I don't lose my identity because someone saw something about me and said "Oh hey, that's cool. I'm going to do that now too!" Culture is meant to be shared. Saying only certain people can do certain things is what created this whole mess.
But back to being Pope. Political Correctness has made all of us in the life part Pope. We can't just go to church, as it were, we have to stand on ceremony. We have to bless others' opinions about the culture, hand out instructional materials on how to properly read The Script(ure), and others (for reasons beyond me) expect some kind of divine retribution when an ever-shifting myriad of invisible boundaries get stepped over by wayward sheep.
Thing is, this approach actually sucks. I know everyone had a different childhood but there are a
... keep reading on reddit ➡I found this quote mentioned in number if places, goodreads included , but everywhere it just says "By Fyodor Dostoevsky". What is the primary work from which this quote is taken from ?
The mall closes at 7 these days. I actually didn't pull the gate until 7:01 - but it's still 5 after 7, my lights are off, and I'm counting the deposit.
Cue stupid customer walking up to gate: "Are you closed?"
This happens 2 or 3 times a week. I don't have any indulgence left in me for it. I look at her. I look at the gate. I mean, I look at the top and the bottom and the sides of the gate, saying with my eyes, "IS THE GATE CLOSED?!?!? - but not saying it out loud.
Then I look back at her, and just say with as much inflection of fall off the planet and die you stupid idiot as possible in my voice, "Yes."
Seriously, how stupid are these idiots? Don't answer that - I'm depressed enough already,...
And that's really all that's left. Because I should just accept that what I thought of us was wrong. Your choice to not talk, never talk, about what happened proves it was one sided and that w hff at I thought was completely wrong. You lied and cheater from the beginning and you turned it on me. As I built your confidence you tore mine down. Those little comments you make when we do communicate are meant to hurt and belittle me. I'm sure that knowing my situation an makes you happy. But, you would rather I just go away or die. You hate me and that I remind you if things that you would rather be buried. I blame myself for ever being stupid enough to love you. Fuck me all to hell for that. And fuck you for your deception
My girlfriend broke up with me after 2 years together 5 days ago, and I've been struggling with it alot. She had been dealing with depression and anxiety through the year. She'd get overwhelmed with her life and have crying spells. I tried to support her and let her know she wasn't alone which would help. About a month ago her children found out the reason why she and her ex husband had split. Since then she had been more distant. I could feel sometimes she would just not be herself. She finally broke down and told me that she needed to learn to be happy with herself and she didn't want a relationship that it was too much for her. Also that she was going back to therapy which I know was really hard for her to do. I was hurt and tried making it about me asking her what she wants, does she want to just disappear out of each other's lives or if she needs time. I was backing her into a corner and I felt it so I stopped right away. I then just said how much I love her and how happy she made me and I'll give her space. We hugged and kissed and I went home. Since then I have been feeling so depressed and I miss her and want to tell her I always have her back. I did NC for the first 4 days but I broke today and texted her if I could call her to tell her how I feel. I just want to tell her now that I'm not in shock that I am proud of her for going to therapy and I believe in her. Also that I will be here for her if she ever needs me that she's not alone. I keep feeling like I need to tell her this but I don't want to text it. She has seen my message but yet to reply to me and I keep fighting the urge to call her because she probably would ignore me. I'm going crazy thinking about her.
Hi E,
You finally told me last night that you were moving on and you need space to heal. You told me that you needed to work on yourself and that you couldn't handle a relationship anymore. Everyone that knew about this have told me that I've tried everything, my patience for this whole thing was more than what most people would have done....but that's because most people weren't fighting for someone like you.
You really are a once in a lifetime encounter, and now you'll be the one that got away. Hey E, I'm going to move on too for my sanity. Even if you said we could talk again in the future, I'll be a different person by then and I hope that's okay. This whole ordeal has changed me, in a month it has aged me more than the passing of time. I still have feelings for you now and I doubt they will go away ever, and I doubt I can ever stop caring about you. We were both each other's first everything, and even now a part of me is glad I got to share it with you.
It hurt when you removed me from gaming apps socials, but I understand you did it because you needed to move on. You still have me added on the discord app and I know that if I don't respect your need for space then you'll have to block me on there. I hope one day I can be stable enough to have a chat with you and not open up these wounds right now of mine. I just want to have a chat for closure. Friends have told me that people romanticize breakups, and your way of that was to make a spotify playlist saying you'll meet me at Tanabata....a Japanese festival for star crossed lovers. I know it's not for me but a naive part of me is hopeful for the hopeless romantic in you. Yeah...I have to move on today.
Somewhere along this month, you said you developed a crush for this guy you met online...well we met online too E. He's a really scumbag human being though, are you blind to it or you just don't care? I hope you don't date him but I know you probably don't want to date anyone at all right now. It's just hard to remind myself that you're not mine anymore....and that I have to move on.
All our promises don't mean anything anymore right? Even though you said you still cared about me. Including my promise to you that I would live for a long time....You don't know my thoughts for that, and you will never know because I would never want to hold you hostage like that. I've been having bad thoughts, but you aren't responsible for me anymore. I don't think I'm doing okay at all...It hurts to say that, yeah..
... keep reading on reddit ➡
Quietly accepted your decision all the while it ate at me...I didn't even try and left the following unsaid... I overlooked all your indiscretions: tinder (after tahoe) indepth conversations with women over snap- "wish you were here" "good morning" which at times felt like I barely heard those phrases from you. I feel like you hid her from me to shelter me which was upsetting, we had talked about being more open with each other. Which was why I didn't just say I was fine that night and opened up on what was bothering me even though I was afraid of this outcome. I pushed the subject because it hurt. To trust you I needed to give trust away. Jealous of the attention was stupid you were with me it was just a reflection of being insecure in the relationship based on past indiscretions. You tried so hard to prove it to me and I needed this weekend to see it. You are a good man. I feel like you slipped because all the stress in your life. I wasn't your peace I tried to lift you up, support you , help build you up for your future and ours. My best friends told me how stupid it was to let it get to me and even ask. That was wrong of me. That night I drove to your house kills me to. It was an accumulation of broken promises and trust...that's the past. How can you just drop the relationship over emotions and feeling that were honest? I wish we could have talked and hashed this out. Communication is key. Yet I feel like it was easier to walk away because it started to cost you to keep me. I started having needs and expectations in the relationship which require self reflection and needed to be met half way with effort. Emotions and passion override logic for me which is something I've been working on...I heard a quote which said "either 2 people grow together or grow apart" I was hoping this weekend would make us stronger...for me this weekend was hell; mentally, physically, spiritually. It made me understand and appreciate the relationship with you. I was able to find peace and put what had previously bothered and ate at me in the past
I can’t seem to bite my tongue about anything with him like I am incapable of lying to him! Is that a TF thing?
I'm 24 yo I lost my brother 5 years ago due to a severe cancer. His last works was just my name. And i feel guilty for not feeling sad enough. We were more than just normal siblings. We were like soul mates. We were so close that I didn't even need to make friends. I had to learn how to make them later but always ended up disappointed with all my high standards. 2 months after he passed away I moved to another country to study abroad. I became an only child and I left my parents behind. I became an emotionnal support for them.
The first year I was in denial. I didn't feel anything. I wanted to feel sad rather than not feeling something. It was just emptiness.
Until the day my so called boyfriend raped me. And I started feeling insecure about everything. I missed my brother because I felt like if he was still here. This guy would never dare to touch me. I failed at protecting myself. And since I feel like I'm alive just for my parents. I can barely feel true happiness or joy .
What a burden when you have to call your parents everyday and I pretend that everything is alright when you are torn up in pieces.
Tell me all the things you can’t tell anyone else. Your secrets are safe with me. After all, we’re strangers.
We work together and you are in a committed relationship and my life is in complete turmoil. I am not the cheating type so I would never do anything to compromise you or your relationship. My relationship is damaged far beyond repair despite my desperation to fix it. I am embarrassed by the fact that everyone seems to be aware of it. If you have wondered at any point why I have kept that aspect of my life from you it is because I would never want to burden you with it.
I know we have a connection and it confuses me entirely. It's electric. I enjoy every moment we have together. Despite a decade in age difference I feel I have more in common with you than I do with anyone else. Which is strange considering the fact that you are a very private person. It makes me feel strange to feel like I know you without really knowing you.
Sometimes I can feel you watching me and I try to ignore it. Sometimes we make eye contact unintentionally and there always seems to be understanding and acknowledgement in those moments. I feel completely vulnerable with you, but I appreciate the way you never pry or seem to judge me. Thank you.
I can tell when there are moments you try to be closer and I feel a sense of comfort but my nerves usually get the best of me because I am afraid of letting you be closer to me. I don't want to acknowledge or admit to myself that I enjoy your close proximity. Your voice alone brings me to a calm. I always appreciate your perspective and I enjoy the way your mind works. I appreciate the kind and gentle man that you are.
I look forward to seeing you each day. I find myself missing you and your voice. It frustrates me to no end that I have found myself feeling this way about someone I shouldn't. I will do my best to ignore those feelings in your presence. I love hearing your perspective and ideas. I value your input and your intriguing logical mind. I can't help but find your mannerisms adorable.
I find you to be incredibly attractive so I am sorry if my attraction to you has become obvious at any point. I do not intend to ever put you in a position that would make you feel uncomfortable. I know I smile when you are speaking about the things you are passionate/curious about and I have yet to master the ability to conceal it. I'll do my best. I appreciate the ways you try to help and I am sorry for all the times you have had to pick up my slack.
I hope that happiness is always present in your life. I do not expect you to respond or
... keep reading on reddit ➡I had to take the morllal route and walk away and ignore and grey rock the BPD sibling I have. She's estranged and engaged in abuse and harassment. She twisted so much.
So many things have been left unsaid by me to her when I think I should be taking more control and clarifying or twisted reality but I know that won't get me anywhere. She won't listen and I know that. So I chose to ignore.
The harassment campaign she sent my way was all blame, blame, blame, blame, blame.... you, you, you.... you did this and that...blame,blame,blame,blame......amongst insults and unwritten threats. The tone in her messages were always 'serve me or else'. She wants amends and apologies and she wants all the work to come from me or else and she worked for years on the smear campaign.
5 days and I still can’t stop thinking about what we talked and what could have been, if we just said what we felt 2 decades ago. It would have made everything different. Ot would be the beautiful dusk we’ll comfortably settle with after each day, whatever day it was. Still, I am grateful to have known you, the parts that make sense and the parts you conceal, the inconsolable hurt when you lost them that every year you have to relive and mourn, the hopes and dreams you carry in your heart, the practicality of living moment by moment, the demons you fight and and the great love you have for her.
5 days and still I want and wish and hope I could pause everything and turn back to 1996, two teenagers grappling on the reason of how and what and who and why. But we would have been grand, because it is with you.
I love you, dear friend.
