"Don't step on a poodle!"
…so that my New Years resolution is 4K UHD.
We just LOVE Puttin’ on the Ritz!
I looked down at him and chuckled, “I think my feet are too big.”
"Then you’ll have a match!"
They were charged with "Idle Warship".
Dad: Where are you going?
Me: Celebrate new year with my friends.
Dad: Please be back before next year.
Happy New Year Dads!
And she responded, “yes, I am a small business owner”
Police arrested him for making an obscene clone fall.
She got a tarmac-tic brain injury.
There was gold in them/their hills.
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When you look down, all you see is defeat.
The first one says, "It sure is hot in here 🔥"
His friend replies, "Shut your mouth"
🎶Denim-denim-denim🎶 🎶denim-denim-denim🎶
It completely eliminated my breadaches!
(My husband did not appreciate this joke sufficiently. I think his sense of humor might be toast.)
When it runs out of womb.
I'm still working on it.
...an ether/oar situation...
They’re both head scratchers
Until one day, when I finally understood.
The bartender says that he doesn't serve their kind. Helium leaves,without reacting.
This was not any ordinary bird however, as he was able to speak and understand English at a perfect level. For quite a while, he didn't use it much to his advantage. He was content simply fluttering around and living peacefully with his bird wife.
But one day, tragedy struck! Our bird one day woke up to an empty nest, no bird kids, no bird wife, just him and some twigs.
He starts asking around his bird community, and eventually pieces together that his bird wife got tired of him and his lack of ambition. She took the bird kids and flew off to stay with her bird Mother.
Our bird was left with an overwhelming sense of listlessness, realizing that everything he had worked towards in his bird life was now gone.
Our bird, now destitute and lonely, decided he was tired of bird life, and wanted to use his English speaking ability to try something new.
He decides to fly into the nearest human town, and observe for a bit. He perched himself on a tree overlooking the main street of the town, and simply watched.
After an hour or two, he noticed several people heading into a building, one labelled as "Bar". He decides that if he wants to truly utilize his prowess of the English language, the best place to start is with other English speakers, so he flies down to the building and hops his way inside.
Our bird makes his way over the bar, hops up on a stool, and says "Hey bartender, can I get a drink?" The bartender and a few other people nearby notice that these words came out of a bird and are immediately and completely enthralled and bewildered by this sight.
The bartender saunters over and asks "Did you just ask for a drink? But you're a bird! I've never seen anything like this before, but if you want a drink I'm happy to oblige".
The bartender pours the bird some water, places it in front of him, and they start chatting. After realizing what was happening, every patron at the bar is standing around the bird, eager to get another peek at this otherworldly phenomenon. People ask the bird some questions, and the bird happily responds, informing them all of his plight and his goal to take full advantage of his gift. More people make their way to him, snapping pictures and videos to share with their friends. The bird loves all the attention and is more than happy to indulge each and every customer who comes up to him.
After a few hours, closing time rolls around. Most people make their way out of the bar, ecstatic to share their newfound memories with family an
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One says "Hey Tony, you're new girl, she from Canada?"
The other replies "Alaska"
I told her they probably figured she was emu.
The sight was unprecedented
Moooooove bitch
But really, you're a 10!"
That’s how excited I was to see my little brother.
Goes up to the bar and says “gimme a bucket of martinis!”
Barkeep says “whoa partner how about we start you on one and see how we do?”
Cowboy says “oh it ain’t fer me. It’s for my horse. We’ve had a long ride and he’s a good horse and my friend and he likes a good martini now and then”
Barkeep says “ok, but I gotta see this!”
He gets a 5 gallon bucket and fills it with ice and gin and dozens of olives.
They go out to the horse and set it down. Sure he puts his head down and sure does enjoy it!
Barkeep says “well I’ll be damned!!! Come on inside cowboy and I will get you one on the house!”
Cowboy says “oh! Not for me thanks, I’m driving!”
There's talk of a moisturizer for feet and knees, called Knees&Toes.
Now, before you start pointing fingers about bad humour, I at least, think I NAILED that one. One of my best, Hands down. I really put my back into it!
A hair-loom
so, a pirate walks into a bar, with a hat on his head, made out of paper towels...
bartender asks, "What's up with the hat?"
Pirate replies, "Arrrh, I've got a BOUNTY on me head!"
I will find you. I have contacts
Because they were in the living room.
…so that my New Years resolution is 4K UHD.
Because there was gold in them/their hills!
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