Head cleaner Puns

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

Sir Curity - King's head of guard

Sir Ender - King's military general

Sir Cumnavigate - King's navy admiral

Sir Veillance - King's spies

Sir Ching - King's scout

Sir Vival - King's best warrior

Sir Nister - King's executioner

Sir Bia - King's ambassador to Yugoslavia

Sir Spicious - King's inquistor

Sir V. Chewed - King's slave master

Sir Lancealot - King's diabetes nurse

Sir Cumcision - King's health inspector

Sir Inge - King's infectious disease expert

Sir Jun - King's doctor

Sir Iasis - King's dermatologist

Sir Rebralpalsy - King's disability advocate

Sir Loin - King's dinner chef

Sir Up - King's breakfast chef

Sir Hosis - King's vinter

Sir Taindeath - King's daredevil

Sir Real - King's storyteller

Sir Rendipty - King's fortune teller

Sir Cuss - King's jester

Sir Tenty - King's prophet

Sir Burbia - King's city planner

Sir Plus - King's organizer

Sir Prize - King's party planner

Sir Pen Tyne - King's amusement park planner

Sir Rebral - King's advisor

Sir Cumference - King's geometry teacher

Sir Mise - King's historian

Sir Kitbreaker - King's electrician

Sir Culation - King's news editor

Sir Roundsound - King's DJ

Sir Renity - King's therapist

Sir John General - King's tobacco farmer

Sir Veyer - King's castle builder

Sir Vant - King's gofer

Sir Fur - King's lifeguard

Sir Factant - King's cleaner

Sir Plant - King's son

Sir Tainly - King's yes man

Sir Cumspect - King's investor

Sir Charge - King's tax collector

Sir Mon - King's priest

Sir Pent - King's herpetologist

Sir Ogate - King's regent

Sir Cumvent - King's risk analyst

It’s called head cleaner

On the weekends, my roomie and I head to the cleaners to do our laundry. We were folding our clothes and towels away when he commented on how fancy I fold my towels, similar to how some hotels chains have theirs folded. He asked where I learned to fold towels like that when I said "Oh, its just a natural towel-lent of mine"

Dad goes under the sink to look for the granite counter cleaner.

Dad: "where's the granite...?" Me: looks around "it's all over the place" He looks up and just shakes his head while my stepmom bursts out laughing.