CDC: β€œNo handshakes”

Jeffrey Dahmer: shuts off blender β€œAww...”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CheeseheadDave
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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Sadly due to a neurological condition, I have a permanent hand tremor..

Good side is that when I do a handshake, I do it literally.

(Condition is inoperable brain tumour)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
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What did the cannibal get when he went to Sonic?

A handshake

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mustard_Icecream
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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My Dad always told me the importance of a firm handshake.

He said it’s a good quality to hold onto.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bridgeheadprod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2018
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Why did the cannibal die of COVID-19?

Too many handshakes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
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Due to coronavirus, applications are being moved from TCP to UDP.

To avoid handshakes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Itsimpleismart
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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Told my dad I suck at handshakes

"Maybe there's a class you can take to get some...hands-on training."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/seriousproducer
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2015
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Nerdy dad joke

Attention - due to the current health situation, I am hereby suspending all TCP communication. I will only utilize UDP in order to avoid all handshakes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/darth-noxious
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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A new precaution has been implemented to prevent the spread of the Coronavirus.

All TCP communications will be converted to UDP to avoid handshakes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maneatingrabbit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
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My daughter brought her first boyfriend over and I shook his hand.

I said, "A handshake says a lot about a person, and yours was weak."

He said, "Your daughter's handshake is good."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
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Why did Jeffrey Dahmer have a blender on his front porch?

So he could greet you with a handshake.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cryptozoophagist
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
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My favorite so far. (Long)

So this group of Irish monks needs to make payments on their belfry, and they've begun to run out of money, so after racking their brains for a few nights, and trying everything they could to get some cash together, they decide to sell flowers to make money. For weeks they sell flowers, and it's going well. Too well in fact, they've begun to run the local florist, Patty O'Flannigan out of town. Well, a bit cheesed at the monks jumping in on his territory, he decides to confront them. He asks them to step off, politely, but they simply respond that, "That's no way to talk to men of God!", and throw him out of their monastery. For weeks this goes on, the monks selling flowers, and the florist getting more and more desperate to make them stop. Finally, he goes to Hugh Mactaggart, the biggest, baddest man in town -- he could get anyone to leave town -- so Patty decides he's the best way to get rid of the monks, gives him the rest of the money, and retires to bed, wary of the results. In the morning, a knock on his door reveals Mactaggart, offering a firm handshake and saying, "They shant be botherin' ya again Patty." The moral of the story is, Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xctwprice
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2018
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Got a guy my age in math

We are sitting in a group of four, and then the trouble kid, "Anthony" complains.

"Anthony" (obviously distressed) : wow I'm cold -- I'm frozen!

Me : Nice to meet you, cold extends hand for handshake

A: groans I also said I was frozen

M: Last I checked, you're not a Disney movie

Whole table groaned. Except me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mattofam
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2016
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My dad at an ice cream place

My family went to an ice cream place last night particularly known for their milkshakes. It was our turn to order.

Mom: I will have a chocolate shake please.

My sister: I'll have a chocolate shake, too.

Me: I'll have a vanilla shake.

My dad: And I will have a handshake. Sticks out hand towards employee

I love my dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theverybest264
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2013
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Dadjoked my new hr rep.

As a fellow ginger she came to me today and introduced herself. Not feeling so well. I politely declined her handshake. Explained that the stomach bug had gotten me. She proceeded to say it was nice to meet a fellow ginger, and followed with "you should drink some ginger tea to help with your stomach."

To which I replied, "Can't. That would be cannibalism."

Took her a second. Then a guffaw.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tdbravesfan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2015
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He dragged me out of the apartment for that pun.

Not a dad, but this is in line with it all.
It was a party around Halloween-time, but not specifically a Halloween party. Things were wrapping up, people were heading out and my roommates were saying goodbye.

They were doing some goofy ass handshake, bumping fists, slapping, all that dumb shit.

While they're wasting time, I look on the table and see various Halloween decorations, including body parts made out of Jell-O. They're slightly jiggling, as all Jell-O molds seem to do.

I quietly mumble "Hehe... handshake."

The host of the party looks at me and says "Are you making fun of our hand shake?"

Without saying anything else, I reach over to the table, pick up the plate the Jell-O zombie hand is on, hold it close to his face, wiggle it back and forth and repeat "Hand shake".

He grabs me by the back of my shirt and drags me out of the apartment. I thought it was funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/M3wThr33
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2013
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What do Zombies drink?

Handshakes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/samsweetmilk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2015
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Why did the cannibal die of COVID-19?

Too many handshakes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
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