Good Taste Puns

Then I realized he’d probably be meaty ogre

At least that's what the cannibals say.

Girl on Tinder said she likes to try "new food".

I said "I would hope so... Old food doesn't taste as good."

Edit: hahahahahaha

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

Afterwards, he said, “Mmm, this copypasta tastes good!”

I replied, "Yes, they certainly stand up to all scroutony!"

I have never had a beef with them.

It smelled good but it tasted like caarp.

It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.

"Fuck you,pear. You taste like shit."

Except maybe once in a Blue Moon

I asked her, “Do those taste good??”

She replied, “No, but the taste is...compelling.”

So I shouted “THE POWER OF FRIES COMPELS YOU!!!”

And boy are my arms legs.

My wife and I are signing our loan docs today with the title company.

Wife: "I don't get why you sign your name so fast but write the date so slow."

Me: "I guess ever since we got married I don't date as often as I used to."

Title Lady: "Booooooo."

She later acknowledged that she hadn't heard that one in 21 years of doing her job. I've never been so proud and ashamed at the same time.

The taberNaCl.

(I would apologize, but this is /dadjokes)

(X-posted to jokes.)

Me to my wife: "She's just trying to say you have good taste in books."

I turned up the music and said "Here are some car tunes for you, son".

He started to cry and my wife yelled at me.

Not many people are aware of its existence but I assure that it is there all the same. The king of this little land faces a lot of difficulty. He wants to make his kingdom into a sovereign nation but unfortunately they do not have the infrastructure, population, or economy to do so. In fact, this small state is only known for a single export. Thanks to their proximity to some of the finest gold and other metals in the world but total lack of an ability to process those metals on a mass scale, they have been left with only one option. You know the saying; when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Make lemonade they did. This tiny territory is renowned for creating the highest quality watches in the world. No expense is spared and their elite group of craftsmen train for their entire lives from childhood to produce these terrific timepieces. Men of great wealth and taste have been known to trade entire fortunes for just a single one of these watches; that is how valuable they are.

The king knows this and he knows that only a small portion of his populace can ever hope to become one of the respected elite, let alone hold one of their masterpieces in their own hands. Being a very just and fair man, the king ordered the most senior watchmaker in the land to create something the likes of which had never been seen. A watch of such great craftsmanship so as to be above monetary value. The man labored long and hard for many nights to produce the king's watch. When he at last presented the completed work to his lord - in front of the entire nation, no less - he was met with thunderous applause and a warm embrace. He had done it! The king then made a shocking announcement.

"This masterpiece belongs to my people!"

When the roaring of the crowd died down he continued.

"This watch shall be a symbol of my love for all of you. Though I rule over you with supreme authority I do not wish a single one of you to feel that you do not have a voice in the ruling of this nation. From this day on let anyone who doubts my decisions or questions my judgment wear this watch and stand as my equal to voice their concerns. Should even a single one of you think me unfair or wrong in any matter then simply come to my castle and I will present you this token of good faith."

The king made good on his word and from that day on all citizens knew they held the right to challenge their king's rulings. Over time the watch became a symbol of fairness throughout the land. Anyone who wore it

They offered me a disclaimer. "The custard tastes good, but the consistency isn't normal"

I responded "Oh, so it's off-pudding?"

Only her father laughed with me

...he has a drink, flirts, then vanishes, with a poof.

^(I’m gay and personally found this hilarious, but many do still view the term “poof” as somewhat offensive, so my apologies if this isn’t in good taste.)

(This is more parody/satire than a pun, but I tried to make sure it had puns.)

1. No more than half the people attending can wear trucker hats.

2. The fences must be measured and spaced using meters. It doesn't matter if you're putting them in someone's yard.

3. If you pull up a fence post, you cannot reuse it. In fact, you cannot use recycled posts from other people's yards.

4. Don't keep up with the Jones'. But if you can't avoid this, make sure you give the Jones' the credit due for coming up with it first.

5. You can bring lunch as sort of a potluck affair, but do not bring canned meat products from Hormel.

6. If you bring a fence post, it must look like a fence post. If it might be confused with something else, make sure the box or protective wrapping calls it a fence post.

7. When announcing the event, you are not allowed to make references to punch or people getting in line for punch. Just like Fight Club...

For now, we have no rule about promoting one stock car event over another as you work, or discussing other controversial matters. That won't change as long as you don't abuse this. Please keep your fence posts in good taste and suitable for all audiences. But if you do bring risque fence posts, make sure to cover them with a shroud labeled adult only, and I won't pull them up, provided the other rules are followed.

Wife: ewww...use a fork. That's disgusting!

Me: I'm sure the food will taste as good as it did before-hand.

I told my wife that the baby must just have good taste in clothing

• What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.

• If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.

• Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

• Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.

• I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.

• Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.

• I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.

• How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *

• Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.

• I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?

• Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

• I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.

• Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.

• Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?

• Ever try to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

• When Peter Pan throws punches, they Never Land.

• I was struggling to understand how lightning works, but then it struck me.

• Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.

• Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and then follow up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."

• I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.

• Would you call a drunk working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?

• Yesterday I got covered in ketchup from my head tomatoes.

• Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years. I just can't part with it.

• Picture of my sister after getting her nose pierced "She nose something!"

• I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants and get the hell out.

• Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was okay - he woke up.

• So what if I can't spell armageddon. It's not the end of the world.

• When you get an infection, urine trouble.

• "Hey waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, sir; it's fresh ground."

• How did the butcher introduce his wife? "Meat Patty."

• Elton John is a great piano player, but he sucks on the organ.

• Elton John wrote a tribute to Amy Winehouse: Candle Under the Spoon *

• What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke. *

*My absolut

eye test at school said he needs glasses

me:we need to make you an appointment for the eye doctor

son:but i can see just fine, i can see everything

me: can you see why kids love the taste of cinnamon toast crunch?

son:.....

he didnt get it, but i got a good chuckle

... they tasted soy good.

Me: Well sometimes you need a little cheese to make jokes taste better.

Daughter: Dad, that's corny

Me: well corn and cheese taste good together, right?

He was a bit of a jerk but he had good taste.

Because my fans have a good taste

1. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

2. You have to rush Limbaugh!

3.My noodle soup doesn't taste that good. It really laksa certain quality.

4.I know its cheesy, but I feel grate!

5. can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

6.How did I escape Iraq? Iran.

7.What was Forrest Gump's email password? "1forrest1"

8.I CAN because I'm a CANadian!

9.I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

10.Never trust atoms, they make up everything.

11.Vagina jokes aren't funny. Period.

12.There are plenty of fish in the sea but until I catch one I'm just stuck here holding my rod...

AND MY FAVOURITE! 13.I was at the scene of a crime, it took place at a cartoonists house, we couldnt find work though, it was sketchy.

IM STILL WORKING ON #12 Post your favourite/own pun in the comments, this will now be... Puntastic! Also OGRES ARE LIKE ONIONS! THEY HAVE LAYERS! Chow!

I'm helping with dinner in the kitchen when a dog food commercial comes on. It was literally a 5 minute long ad telling about how generic dog food wasn't good for your dog and how I should buy their product. I'm scrubbing a dish, shaking my head, silently hoping someone changes the channel to something more entertaining and my dad looks up and exclaims "I don't know what the hell they're talking about!" I quickly look over at him waiting to hear his rationale over why he's so upset. He looks back slyly and says, "...tastes fine to me." I died laughing.

I grew up in Vermont. Around my town were plenty of dairy farms, inviting the always wonderful manure aroma. An aroma that nearly forced my father to inhale deeply through his nose, saying, "Ah, fresh Vermont air!"

That's an excellent Dad one liner, as are most dad jokes, but he had another great one that I'm getting to.

You see, the hay bails we saw growing up in Vermont were mostly the cube variety. Hay bailing technology at the time created cubes of hay, so that's what dotted the fields they'd graze in.

As we grew older, we starting noticing the now more common round bails of hay. Dad was not pleased.

I asked him what the problem was or, at least, what his problem was with the round bails. The best jokes are set up when you ask for them.

So, he tells me. New farming technology allowed the round bails to be created more efficiently. They used less fuel in the bailers, took less passes on the field to gather the hay. They used less twine, and even though they didn't fill a truck as well as square bails, there was still a net monetary gain from the efficiency gained elsewhere.

However, studies were done on the bails. The cows approached them differently due to the different alignment of surface area. The way the rain hit the bails and rolled off as opposed to soaking in leached nutrients out of the hay. Some cows even mistook the shape of bail for another animal, and approached them so nervously that their heart rates were known to raise significantly; such a rate that a tinge of acidity could be tasted by those in the know in their milk.

What all of this amounted to... is that with the new round bails of hay, the cows just weren't getting a good square meal.

• I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat

• I went up to the airport information desk. I said "How many airports are there in the world?"

• I hate fat girls who use the excuse "oh the camera adds 10lb" Well, stop eating cameras then.

• At the check-in desk the girl said, ''Window seat or aisle?''

l said, ''Window seat or you'll what? Are you threatening me?''

She said, ''No, calm down. Window seat or aisle?''

l said, ''l'll have a seat.''

• When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in Mexico last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

• A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said: "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said: "All right, but we won't get much done"

• Did you know you're ten times more likely to get mugged in London than New York City? Thats because you don't live in New York City.

• Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

• British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray.

Friend: How does it taste?

Me: Quite good, frankly.

Friend: Do you practice puns?

And that's the proudest I've ever felt.

We were out on the lake a few years ago. I had for a Coke and after about an hour it got watered-down, i said "my drink is watered-down its gross" and my dad "yuck mine is too, it's worse, taste it" and he handed me a cup of water. It was a good one.

My son is just starting to walk from furniture item to furniture item. My wife comments to me that he is also teething, so his tongue is out.

Wife: he's linking the furniture. Me: does it taste good. Wife (speaking in a high voice as my son): I don't think so dad. Me: are you saying your parents don't have good tastin' furniture?

Wife starts laughing uncontrollably.

I asked her "Did it taste good?" which just got more crying.... my dad jokes are improving.

Girlfriend: Try this drink Mark, it taste just like a sweet tart! Me: sips drink That's pretty good. What's or called? Girlfriends friends: It's called a Kamikaze. Me: That explains why people are dying to get it.

Last night went like this:

Daughter: What are we having for dinner?

Me: Food

Daughter: What kind of food?

Me: Good food

Daughter (getting visibly frustrated): What kind of good food?

Me: Good tasting food

Daughter: WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FOOD WE ARE EATING?

Me: Oh, I don't know, I think it's Bob or something

At which point my wife breaks the chain and actually tells what the dish was called, likely saving me from murder by 7 year old.

Co-workers were talking about going to a beer tasting this weekend. Here is how the conversation unfolded.

Coworker 1: They are show casing pale ales this time.

Coworker 2: When is their ales and stouts tasting?

CW1: Oh it was last weekend.

CW2: Damn, a stout sounds so good right now.

Me: Man, sounds like you really miss-stout.

Deafening silence.

Me and my girlfriend were grocery shopping when we saw a woman sampling Magic Hat beer. She asked us if we wanted a sample and being lushes we said sure.

She asked if we wanted to sample the Magic Hat HIPA. My reply was "I thought you weren't supposed to talk about HIPA?"

She looked a bit confused until my girlfriend slapped my hand that she realized what I meant and she gave a giggle.

HIPA tasted pretty good if anyone is interested.

So I love orange juice, but I hate how it tastes after having brushed my teeth. So I asked my dad, "Do you know how I can drink orange juice after brushing my teeth?" And since he knows a few good home remedies like that, he says sure, and to follow him to the bathroom.

He has me brush, and as I'm doing that, he explains how the toothpaste does what it does, the chemicals involved, so forth. He then takes me to the kitchen and pours me a glass of orange juice, beginning to explain why the two react and such, and says, "here, see for yourself. " So I take a drink, and of course, its disgusting, and I spit it out.

"And THAT is how you drink orange juice after brushing your teeth."

Me and Dad watching my 1 year old play on the back patio.

Me: I don't understand why she keeps putting those rocks in her mouth. That can't taste good.

Dad: No, but they sure do last a long time.

It was very good despite it tasting like ass.

He fried some fish from the grocery store, which he does often. He always likes to talk about how he loved buying this fish because it tastes so good. So later on I'm eating it and he says, "you like that fish? I caught it." To which I said, "yeah, you caught it on sale!"

My grandmother brought over a German fruit cake called Stollen (it's not that great).

Grandma: I don't know if it'll taste good this year, I didn't make it. Dad: You didn't make it? Does that mean it's... stolen?

He's made this joke three years in a row.

It's tradition that my father makes the family a huge christmas breakfast/brunch. He offered me some fruit, so I was about to grab a piece of cantaloupe, but my sister said that it tasted bad.

So I cleverly respond by saying. "ahh yes, I guess it can't be good"

To which my dad responds by saying, "well you do know why it's bad right? Because it can't elope"

Dad: You know what makes pizza good? Beware, it's a tricky question.

Mum: What?

Dad: The taste! (laughs)

I guess, but I really hope it tastes good.