In America, you can register a domain name at Godaddy.com, but...

insovietrussiadomainregister.su

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/communist_scumbag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Latest Dad Joke

I usually tell my kids a bedtime story, but the other night they kept asking for another to avoid going to bed. I told them that I was a โ€œ1-storyโ€ Daddy. My son asked me why, and I said that I was under 6 ft so I couldnโ€™t be a 2-story.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/EODTex87
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The Dad , the Daughter and her prayers.

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says โ€œGod bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.โ€ The father says, โ€œGood bye Grandad? Why is that?โ€ The daughter says, โ€œJust because I felt like it.โ€ The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father canโ€™t believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughterโ€™s prayers again. She says, โ€œGod bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.โ€ The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, โ€œJust because I felt like it.โ€ The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesnโ€™t know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, โ€œGod bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.โ€ The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesnโ€™t go home and stays there until midnight. Heโ€™s very surprised. โ€˜Iโ€™ve cheated death!โ€™ he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, โ€œWhere have you been?!โ€ and the husband says, โ€œOh donโ€™t ask me any questions, todayโ€™s been miserable.โ€ The wife replies, โ€œYour days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porchโ€ฆโ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HereIsAFookinName
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A dad brought back lie detector robot..

Dad: son if you lie the robot slaps you.

Son: ok

Dad: did you drink at the party?

Son : no dad i...

Robot slaps son on the face

Dad: did you do drugs?

Son: no i swear..

Robot slaps son on the face

Dad: sigh , why did you turn out like this? Back in the days all i did was studying and...

Robot slaps dad on the face

Mom: haha like father like son

Robot slaps mom on the face

Edit: sorry this is daddies i can go

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ninokuni13
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
In honor of my father for Fatherโ€™s Day, Iโ€™m going to tack you back to the 1990โ€™s. This is rural southern America please read in southern accent.

Me: Daddy Iโ€™m thirsty!

My dad: Hi thirsty Iโ€™m Fridy lets go Saturdy and get a Sundy.

Iโ€™m sure itโ€™s not original but it makes me laugh to think of how I was making my dad insane asking for a DRIIINNNKKK and he would always come back with this.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kayl6
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Where are all these great dad jokes stored ?

At the dadabase.

(But for real, I have quite the dadabase at my profile)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 59
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 64
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
How-do-we-make-babies joke

Okay, so this is my first post, so be gentle there. It s more a funny thing my dad did to mess with us than a dad joke. Our parents explained it to us , so i don t have the dialogues here. When we were little, my brother and I of course asked my parents how do we make babies, because we wanted a little bro or sis and they did not wanted us to get one. So we asked them how babies are made. They explained to us that you need 3 things ; a mother's belly , dad's seeds and a little bit of love. That was cute, they said that daddy had to put his seeds in mummy 's belly with the love. When we asked how, they told us to guess -this is why we thought babies were made by the bellybutton, they did really had fun with us- and then, finally, we asked them why they would not make us a little brother then. My father, had this brilliant idea to mess with us, which we sometimes did not notice, as we were little. He basically told us with a huge smile accros his face :" You know what ? If you find the good seeds, we'll make you one". My mother laughed but we took it seriously. We have apparently searched for hours even going in the basement, searching in mom's gardening seeds, ripping of the labels and bringing them to the parents to ask if these were the good ones . We eventually got fed up, and never asked my parents to have a sibling again.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/calam_n_fish
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Just got my daughter

My four year old was watching a Disney movie while I was in the kitchen. The app we use for Disney on the tv is horribly unreliable (Disney life on amazon firestick), randomly freezing or restarting whatever we're watching.

Anyway, I'm scoffing a cake I don't want her to have when I hear a shout.

"Daddy, the film is frozen."

I go through, look at the TV and tell her "No it's not, that's Moana."

I think it's the first time she's both gotten one of my jokes and appreciated how crap it is. Her eye roll and "ugh" brought a tear to my eye.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 159
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/makka-pakka
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My daughter asks me all the time โ€œDaddy, can you put my shoes on?โ€

โ€œNo, I don't think they'll fit me.โ€ Is my go to answer. Bless her she still laughs and says โ€œsilly daddyโ€. Sheโ€™s 3 :)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 106
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DannyGere
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 22 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโ€™t think theyโ€™ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโ€™t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

โ€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โ€˜The good news is..itโ€™ll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ€

Whatโ€™s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

โ€œIโ€™ll call you later!โ€- โ€œPlease donโ€™t do that. Iโ€™ve always asked you to call me Dad!โ€

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

โ€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: โ€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โ€™โ€

โ€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โ€˜No, just leave it in the carton!โ€™โ€

I got so angry the other day when I couldnโ€™t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book Iโ€™ve ever read, Iโ€™d say: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s coincidental.โ€

Iโ€™m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build itโ€™s house? Igloos it together.

โ€œMe: โ€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!โ€™ Dad: โ€˜Poof, Youโ€™re a sandwich!โ€™โ€

โ€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

โ€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโ€™re all girls, otherwise theyโ€™d be uncles.โ€

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ€“ its pasteurized before you even see it

โ€œWhatโ€™s Forrest Gumpโ€™s password? 1forrest1โ€

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โ€œDonโ€™t worry; this is a piece of cake.โ€ I said: โ€œNo, itโ€™s a math problem.โ€

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 40
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
my 4 year old daughter played me with this one

after a slight, recent issue of my kid putting her shoes on the wrong feet, she hits me with this...

"daddy, not like shoes, socks can go on either foot!"

"youve got it, honey"

i look down a few seconds later... both socks are on the same foot.

"you told me either foot was ok!" she laughed hysterically for minutes.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CityFarming
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 15 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Got dad joked by my two year old.

Walked into the kitchen with my hammer to hang something up, "What's that, Daddy?" "It's a hammer, buddy." "What are you going to ham?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Flapjack22
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 30 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Got my 3 year old, but she didn't get it

We were playing "restaurant", and this was a special restaurant that only only animals went to.

In the middle of playing a family of goats came to the restaurant and they were ordering their food.

"Daddy, what's the baby goat going to eat?"

"The kid's meal"

I cracked myself up

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Dzmagoon
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 12 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Praying

So a dad walks in on his daughter praying. She said, โ€œI pray for mommy, I pray for daddy, I pray for grandma, and goodbye grandpa.โ€ The dad didnโ€™t know what she meant. But the next day, the grandpa died. The dad thought it was just a coincidence, until the next day the daughter said, โ€œI pray for mommy, I pray for daddy, and goodbye grandma.โ€ The father thought it was odd but went to bed. The next day the grandma died. The dad was terrified, he heard the daughter say, โ€œI pray to mommy and goodbye daddy.โ€ The dad the next day was restless. Then, at night he realized nothing was going to happen. He said to his wife, โ€œ I had the most horrible day.โ€ The wife replied, I did to the milkman died at the door step today.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 27
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/NashYaBoi
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 02 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Walking Around the London Marathon Yesterday

My Dad: Wow that's weird

Me: What's that

My Dad: Well there's just a lot of people here advertising for GoDaddy.

Me:.... ๐Ÿ˜ช

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ilik3p14
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Using my toddler for the setup

My wife was getting ready for church and I was in charge of dressing the kids. I got my son dressed and told him to go tell his mother.

Son: "Daddy and I are best buds".

Wife: "That's great to hear".

Son: pulling on his sweater and upset "No, we're best buds".

Wife: "I know, you said that before".

I walk in with a matching outfit "No, we're vest buds!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 636
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/imaffett
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 13 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My son had a dream last night.

He dreamed that his teacher died in a car crash and came to us in a panic worried and telling us to warn her. My wife and I told him that it was just a dream and to go back to bed. The next day he came home crying because his teacher never made it to work and died in a car crash. We were worried but explained to him it must have been a coincidence.

A few weeks later he rushed into our room again crying saying he saw daddy die in a dream but didnt remember how. My wife calmed him down but now I was seriously worried. The next day I went to work in a constant panic. The drive there, all day throughout work scared if something would happen. All day nothing.

I finally got home and came to the door to see my wife. I told her I had the worst day of my life. She turned to me and said,"you think you had an awful day? This morning after you left for work the mailman died on our doorstep!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MaezRunner097
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dad, how much money do you make?

A man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5 year old son waiting for him at the door.

โ€œDaddy, may I ask you a question ?โ€

โ€œYeah, sure, what is it ?โ€ replied the man.

โ€œDaddy, how much money do you make an hour?โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?โ€ the man said angrily.

โ€œI just want to know.ย  Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?โ€ pleaded the little boy.

โ€œIf you must know, I make $20.00 an hour.โ€

โ€œOh,โ€ the little boy replied, head bowed.

Looking up, he said, โ€œDaddy, may I borrow $9.00 please?โ€

The father was furious. โ€œIf the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed.ย ย  Think about why youโ€™re being so selfish.ย  I work long, hard hours every day and donโ€™t have time for such childish games.โ€

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boyโ€™s questioning.ย  How dare he ask such questions only to get some money.

After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son.ย  May be there was something he really needed to buy with that $9.00 and he really didnโ€™t ask for money very often.

The man went to the door of the little boyโ€™s room and opened the door.ย  โ€œAre you asleep son?โ€ he asked.

โ€œNo daddy, Iโ€™m awake,โ€ replied the boy.

โ€œIโ€™ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier,โ€ said the man.ย  โ€œItโ€™s been long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Hereโ€™s that $9.00 you asked for.โ€

The little boy sat straight up, beaming.

โ€œOh, thank you daddy!โ€ he yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills.ย  The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.

โ€œWhy did you want more money if you already had some?โ€ the father grumbled.

โ€œBecause I didnโ€™t have enough, but now I do,โ€ the little boy replied.

โ€œDaddy, I have $20.00 now.ย  Can I buy an hour of your time?โ€

The father looked upon his son with a smile as he walked towards the door and said "Overtime is double pay."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cleverley1986
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Proud of my 7 year old tonight.

During our bedtime routine, my son grabbed an old stuffed rabbit to bring to bed.

7-โ€œDaddy, Iโ€™m going to roll Fluffer (the rabbit) into a ball tonight.โ€ Me-โ€œOkโ€ 7-โ€œSo he will look like a hair ballโ€ Me-โ€œWhat?โ€ 7-โ€œBecause a hare is short for bunny rabbit.โ€

So proud of him. So disappointed in myself for not getting the joke.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JediFunHouse
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A family of Morons.

A family of morons go for a walk. They come to a rickety looking bridge. The daddy moron says to the mommy moron and the little moron, "I'll go first to make sure it's safe." He starts to walk across, but almost immediately falls off. The mommy moron, seeing her husband fall off, runs to the bridge, crying. As soon as she gets on the bridge, she also immediately falls off. The little moron, not realizing the danger, walks right up to the bridge, and calmly crosses the bridge with no incident. Why didn't he fall off?

Because he was a little moron the bridge.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 62
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HowManyMonkeys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 16 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Finance Department

Me on the phone talking to insurance company: "finance department helped us"

Son [6] after phone call: "daddy what's the finance department?"

Me: "they helped us with money to buy the car"

Ridley "oh I thought they go find ants"

... I've been out done by a six year old...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/numberfourdad
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 22 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Halloween Puns

Why couldnโ€™t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.


Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!


Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!


For Halloween Iโ€™m going to write โ€œLifeโ€ on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers


This Halloween, the only Candy Iโ€™m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues


โ€œHalloweenโ€ = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.


Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!


Iโ€™ll be your trick if youโ€™ll be my treat.


How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!


When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day


Whatโ€™s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!


What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood


What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us


What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A โ€œhollow-weenie!โ€


Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).


How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.



Iโ€™m going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always doโ€ฆ by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,


Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, โ€œA lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?โ€ The other monster replied, โ€œBe a gentleman and roll them back to her.


The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something youโ€™re not will lead to a sweet reward.


I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, itโ€™s Election night.


I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so Iโ€™m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.


Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.


What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!


What do Italianโ€™s eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)


Why canโ€™t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.


What do goblins and ghosts drink when theyโ€™re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!


What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi


What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope itโ€™s Halloween!!


What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 27 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dadjoked by my daughter at lunch today

So we were at the mall today, grabbed lunch in the food court. My wife had gotten a soda with her lunch, when her phone went off to remind her to drink a glass of water (she has it set to go off like 4 times a day). Remembering that she had milk at breakfast, I commented to my daughter, 'Man, Mommy is drinking everything BUT water today isn't she?'

'Daddy, butt water sounds DISGUSTING.'

Sigh.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 116
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Fgame
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 14 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
This page brings back fond memories for me. (Dad joke inside as well)

My dad had a real goofy and dadly sense of humor. He past a way about 4 years ago but all the jokes here remind me of the ones he used to make. I'm smiling so hard as I go through these.

One of my favorites was the mole joke: One day a house near a molehill was making pancakes. Daddy mole comes up, sniffs, and says,"I smell pancakes." Mamma mole pops up next to him, sniffs, and says I smell pancakes too!" Baby mole hears his parents but can't get past their rear ends. So he says,"All I smell is molasses!"

7 year old me was in tears every time!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 78
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/lets_improve_us
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 30 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My dad's crowning moment...

About twelve years ago, when I was little and my dad had a mustache:

Me: Daddy? What is it like to have a mustache? Dad: Go ask your mother.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 124
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GlassOrchid
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 26 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Cousin's 3 year old daughter is going to be a great dad one day.

My cousin and his wife have a 3 year old daughter, and they're traveling to visit us cross-country for Thanksgiving. In the hotel last night, cousin (Steven) was discussing breakfast with his daughter (Emily).

Steven: "Tomorrow morning, before we leave, the hotel is going to cook us breakfast!"

Emily: "Daddy, how is the hotel going to cook us breakfast? It doesn't even have hands!"

Steven said he's never been prouder.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 26
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/justinerwin
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The DadOff!

Who is the greatest dad? Who can make people let out the biggest groan? Dads and mothers (and weird uncles), welcome to the DadOff!

Rules:

  1. Each dad describes an experience with a dad joke in one sentence only. If you need a second sentence it MUST be the punchline! Make it short so dads can go through a lot of comments.

  2. In your reply, try to out-dad the previous dad with a dandier joke. If the brilliance of your opponent has crushed you completely, you can forfeit by replying "Youre the Daddy".

  3. The fight can continue as long as its punny.

  4. At the end of a fight, i will count the karma for each comment and the dad with the most karma wins a groan point.

  5. Mostly the fight is between two dads, though a third dad can come in if he has a line he just GOTTA say. Bear in mind though, that unless your reply is brilliant, you will have lower chances of winning (because they started sooner).

At the end of each day, i will count the karma and edit the post to announce todays winners. At the end of the week, i will count the groans, and the dad with the most groans will be the crowned Daddy of Dadjokes!

If anything is not clear, pm me and ill edit the post. Good luck Dads!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BigBootyBear
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 08 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Via my 3 year old this morning. I'm just so proud

"Alright sweetheart, Daddy's going to jump in the shower."

"Ok Daddy, make sure you jump really high!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rajahslife
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 07 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Anytime we left the house when we were little...

"Daddy where are we going?"

"To hell if we don't change our ways."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/auburn_drives
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
PeeU

Came home from work and my son ran right to me. I knew something was going throught that 4 year olds brain when he ask "um hey daddy?" "Hey buddy what's up?" He then asks " can I get a wiiU?.... being a bit stunned but more witted.... " no but I can get you a peeU" as I fake a fart and lift my leg. Proud me watched as he attempted to use it on his mom and sister.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/xstatic6901
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 04 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 73
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Josvys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Infinite recursion, and a 3 year old's escape from dad jokes

So my daughter was full last night, so I gave her the ol' "Hi Full, I'm Daddy!" for the very first time.

She paused, looked at me like I was dumb, and said "My NAME is not Full. I AM full."

"Hi Not Full, I'm Daddy!"

She paused again, and said "My NAME is not Not Full. I'm full!"

"Hi Not Not Full, I'm Daddy!"

She figures out that this could go on forever and cracks up laughing. When she finishes she looks at me with a glimmer in her eye and tells me "I feel full." She never says "I'm full" now, and always uses "I feel full."

I'm not really sure where to go from here, guys. Help?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 1k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LaenFinehack
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 19 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A son tells his father...

A son goes to his father and says, โ€œDaddy, Iโ€™m cold.โ€

The father says, โ€œGo to the corner. Itโ€™s 90 degrees.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/llenadeluz
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Happened today with my 5 year old

Daddy, do you think we can go by walk to Walmart ?

No.

Why?

We are going to Walmart not Walkmart.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/itsallaboutkarma
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 13 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My dad telling me about "Safe Sex"

Go with my dad into my parent's bedroom, he goes under the bed and pulls out a small safe I had never seen before.

Me: "Where did that safe come from?" Dad: "Well, when a mommy safe and a daddy safe love each other very much..." He goes on for a couple of minutes about the courting of these two safes and how one night something magical happened and 8 months later they had a little baby safe. Dad: And now you know all about Safe Sex!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 16
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/the_topher89
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 24 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My dad couldn't help himself

Little Brother: Daddy, Mrs. Ham needs you to sign this so I can go on the field trip.

Dad: Mrs. Ham huh?

LB: Yeah, it's due on Friday.

Dad: Alright then but tell her she's lucky I don't eat pork.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bladeshade
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 08 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My dad had to have his arm bandaged for an infection.

"You should go all the way and dress up as a mummy."

"I can't be a mummy, I'm a daddy."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BlamaRama
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 09 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.