How did the turkey get to the front of the concession line so quickly at the ball game?
π︎ 9
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︎ Nov 29 2021
Just happened, proud of myself: just had a quick office zoom meeting with a lot of people. As each person popped on zoom made that βDING DONGβ sound. One of my bosses said βanyone that can figure out how to make Zoom stop doing that is gonna get a prize.β
I said βare you gonna give them the No-Bell prize?β
I HAVE WON THE DAY
π︎ 21k
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︎ Oct 26 2021
Why do Russian translators work so quickly in Finland?
Because they're Russian to Finnish.
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︎ Nov 24 2021
Today I was reaching for a board game from our shelf. The one on top of the pile quickly slid down and hit me in the face. It was that game where you go around in a car and add family members, choose a career, have kids, etc.
A painful reminder that LIFE comes at you fast.
π︎ 12
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︎ Jul 14 2021
A quick quiz: What do you call a religious person that lives on a tall mountain?
A. Saint
B. Shaman
C. Monk
D. Nun of the above
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︎ Nov 22 2021
I met some chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby recently.They just kept bragging about how good they are at the game.
There's nothing worse than chess nuts boasting in an open foyer..
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︎ Dec 10 2021
Name a place where washing is done a lot?
π︎ 9
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︎ Nov 26 2021
This was done on porpoise
π︎ 22
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︎ Nov 12 2021
Theyβll be done soon if they fochiss
π︎ 65
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︎ Oct 29 2021
That escalated quickly
π︎ 100
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︎ Sep 16 2021
What does your dad say when heβs done eating an eclair?
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 11 2021
Thanksgiving
π︎ 1k
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︎ Nov 27 2021
I stopped to grab a quick drink on my drive from North Dakota to Wisconsin.
π︎ 12
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︎ Nov 15 2021
My daughter took a bite of buttered bread and quickly reached for a napkin. I asked, did you get it everywhere?
She replied, "Only marginally".
π︎ 6
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︎ Nov 26 2021
If you're heading to the bathroom your Russian, when you're done with the bathroom you're Finnish, so what are you when you're in the bathroom?
π︎ 456
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︎ Aug 22 2021
You canβt spell chocolate quickly, itβll always be late in the end.
π︎ 6
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︎ Nov 01 2021
The elderly wife in church turned to her husband and said, βIβve just done a silent fart. What should I do?β
He said, βChange the batteries in your hearing aidβ.
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︎ Jun 19 2021
My musical instruments had done something horrible.
There were negative repercussions.
π︎ 9
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︎ Nov 06 2021
I've got all my knitting for the year done and I might even turn a profit!
Maybe I should quilt while I'm ahead.
π︎ 7
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︎ Nov 19 2021
Daughter just now while eating lunch: "What's your favorite number?"
Me: "3 and 5."
Wife: "That's odd."
Other daughter: "Even when you add them."
I've done well.
Edit: Spacing.
Edit 2: Holy gold Batman! I told my family we were brief internet celebrities last night, now we're royalty! Thanks the internet!!!
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︎ Dec 05 2021
What do you call a British TV show about killing people in a game where they participate to earn money?
π︎ 16
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︎ Dec 15 2021
Who should you go to if you need big favour done?
π︎ 7
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︎ Nov 14 2021
Toucan play this game...
π︎ 246
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︎ Nov 05 2021
Somebody was telling a group how he had two root canals done in the last week ...
And I blurted out "if you two root canals isn't that just a canal?"
Proudest I've ever been of a joke that fell flat
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︎ Oct 27 2021
Most people donβt like eating food before itβs done in the oven.
But I think pig is best eaten while itβs still bacon.
π︎ 19
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︎ Oct 20 2021
I added the finishing touch to perfect my board game room.
π︎ 26
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︎ Dec 07 2021
LPT. By this one quick task I was able to double the value of my car today
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 30 2021
Why are all drawings done on paper bad?
π︎ 10
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︎ Oct 22 2021
Today, I'm attaching a light fitting to the ceiling. I've never done it before.
I'll probably screw it up.
π︎ 2k
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︎ Jun 22 2021
Did you hear about the 2 nations coming to an agreement quickly and leaving?
They pact it up and went home.
/sorry. Couldn't think of 2 nations that might be disagreeing right now, so left it generic.
π︎ 4
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︎ Oct 31 2021
How do you hide a new video game before Christmas?
You put the cartridge in a pear tree.
π︎ 749
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︎ Oct 05 2021
What do you need when you have to cook something big, quickly?
π︎ 6
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︎ Oct 22 2021
Why did the Bismark sink so quickly?
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 26 2021
Why did the USSR end as quickly as it did?
They've always been Russian.
π︎ 2
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︎ Oct 29 2021
Did you happen to see the leper football game?
It was awful. There was a hand off in the backfield.
π︎ 10
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︎ Dec 03 2021
If the U.S. mint had a meeting after every quarter, they would never get anything done.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 26 2021
Why do you have to act so quickly in a flood?
Because itβs an emergent sea.
π︎ 68
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︎ Sep 03 2021
You know Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brotherβ¦
π︎ 9k
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︎ Aug 20 2021
My friend entered Robot Wars, I told him he Shunt of done that.
π︎ 12
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︎ Sep 20 2021
Someone stole my work bag, but the police found it very quickly..
π︎ 15
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︎ Oct 07 2021
Levar Burton can't be a game show host
Because Captain Picard would never put a crew member in Jeopardy.
π︎ 2k
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︎ Sep 02 2021
Thought of this one a while back, may have been done before
What did the tomato say to the hat?
"You go on a head, I'll ketchup"
π︎ 6
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︎ Oct 23 2021
Since it started raining, all my husband has done is look sadly through the stupid windowβ¦
If it gets any worse, Iβll have to let him in.
π︎ 136
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︎ Aug 15 2021
I finally got revenge on a friend for stealing one of my board games.
They took a Risk, but now they donβt have a Clue.
π︎ 1k
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︎ Aug 31 2021
A job well done?
π︎ 6
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︎ Sep 16 2021
For health reasons I ordered my steak well done.
Not my first choice but the doctor said I needed to cut down my red meat.
π︎ 10
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︎ Oct 13 2021
Why must you act quickly during a flood?
... because it's an emergent sea...
π︎ 31
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︎ Sep 02 2021
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