A list of puns related to "From First to Last"
sixteenth chapel.
One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.
He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.
"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.
"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"
"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.
"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".
"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"
"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"
"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.
"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.
"I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.
"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"
"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"
"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.
"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"
"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"
The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement -
... keep reading on reddit ➡An emperor decided his population was rising too fast and decided to decrease the numbest. Bunches of generous birth and death control methods did he come up with, but the most dastardly scheme was the Neat Edict. His subjects, however, bitterly called it The Press Test.
The emperor, you see, founded a law that anyone found wearing rumpled clothing, after being fined, would find a rock, then use his or her (or their) own forehead(s) as an iron...to press and press to reduce the crinkles in the clothes to half, then half of that, then half of that... As the victims wept, the soldiers jeered at the poor souls and mocked them: "Press! Press! They were halving a bawl.
To the despot's calculated glee, no one could pass The Press Test. As sure as waking up with a sniffle, everyone starts off with a crumple in the blouse and more get added as the day goes by. So there was no shortage of victims squirted into The Press Test arena.
First it was 12 creases legislated, then 5. It soon became Three and then One, before ending in none. By slowly reducing the number of creases permitted in clothing, the whole population was soon caught up in the Emperor's net. It was most unfair, but no matter how hard they pressed for freedom from The Press, the population steadily dwindled.
The approximately equally wicked emperor of the next fiefdom, taking sadistic note, invited his neighbour over to congratulate him. "How did you achieve that?", Vile asked Evil over a poisoned lunch.
Clutching at the tablecloth as he went down writhing, he nevertheless had a last grasp answer:
"By gradual decrees"
Qso there's a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake, the first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy. prosperous people, the second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power, too. the third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army
the kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have, the first kingdom sends 100 of their finest knights, clad in the best armor and each with their own personal squire the second kingdom sends 50 of their knights, with fine leather armor and a few dozen squires of their own. the third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire
the night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and make merry, partying into the late hours of the night the knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and also drink late into the night.
in the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and slings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it, he fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.
the next morning the knights in the first two kingdoms are hung over and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old and weary, unable to get up. in place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight the battle lasts long into the night, but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.
and it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
Some of these are border-line uncle jokes. I'm also an uncle. I keep all these jokes in my dadabase. Aka Google notes.
Some of these I got off of podcasts, the dad joke API, some from movies, but most are from this sub. Let me know if you want a source for a joke or if one of them was yours I'll give credit.
It's ok to be Frank with people. Or josh with them. But try not to Rob or Sue them.
What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck
If the USA is so great then why did they make USB?
Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa. Which is strange.
You think he'd be from mad-at-gas-car
How did Jesus keep his abs? Crossfit
What does a Jewish cowboy celebrate Yee-Hanukka
What did the stamp say to the letter Stick with me and you'll go places
I gave my wife a glue stick instead of lipstick She's still not talking to me
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
What word starts with E and ends with E, but only has one letter in it. Envelope ✉
Why do people on Athens hate getting up early Because dawn is tough on Grease
What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain A purramid
Why do fish like salt water? Pepper makes them sneeze
If april showers bring may flowers What do may flowers bring? PILGRIMS
Why do cemeteries have fences Because people are dying to get in
Did you know Bruce Lee had a Faster older brother? Sudden lee
Did you know he also had a Vegan brother? Broco lee
Pig black belt in karate Pork chop
How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes in 3 cups of coffee If you have 20 sugar cubes? You have to use all the cubes.
You put 1 in the first cup, one in the second cup, and 18 in the last cup. Because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put on a cup of coffee.
I was going to tell your a joke about Yoga But it's Not working out
What do you do if your wife starts smoking Use some lubricant
did you hear about the woman with 12 breasts? Sounds weird, dozen tit?
What did baby corn say to momma corn ( I got a boy scout selling popcorn to eyeroll me on this one) Where's popcorn
What type of pasta do they serve at a haunted house? Fettuccine Afradio
What do you call a werewolf streamer? Liken subscribe
Why don't Elton John songs have a copyright? You can tell everybody this is your song.
My mom swears up and down cows arent real I was in udder disbelief
Skeleton goes into a bar, he orders a beer and a mop
Why does it take a pirate so long to learn the alphabet Because th
... keep reading on reddit ➡...and as he looks across the road he sees a man with a giant orange head. The man with the giant orange head looks over and smiles, crossing the road to speak to the other man.
"I'm so sorry, "says the first man, "I didn't mean to stare at you!" "It's absolutely fine," says the man with the giant orange head, "Happens all the time. I bet you're wondering how I got this giant orange head." "Well, yes!" replied the first man. "Well...my grandmother died recently. She had been unwell for a long time and basically raised me as my parents had died when I was very young. She raised me alone as my grandfather had died before I was born. We didn't have very much but we were happy. I loved her very much. After her funeral, it was time to clear the house as it was rented and I wanted to move on anyway. I was up in the attic going through her papers and I saw this dusty old lamp. I lifted it, gave it a little rub and there was a huge flash. When I opened my eyes there was a strange looking man. It felt like he looked into my soul. 'I am the genie of the lamp' he said, 'and I grant you three wishes' I didn't believe him at first but deep within me I knew it was true. He asked me what my first wish was and clichéd as it was, I said World Peace."
"Hahaha...how did that work out?" asked the first man.
"Well, " replied the man with the giant orange head, "have you heard of any wars or riots happening in the last few days?"
"Come to think of it, " said the first man, "You're right. The news has been pretty positive! Wow! That's amazing. So what did you choose for your second wish?"
"I gave it a few minutes thought this time " smiled the man with the giant orange head, "and remembering how poor we were, I wished for an unending supply of money."
"Did it work??" asked the first man.
"It did!" replied the man with the giant orange head, "here's £10,000 from my pocket. Enjoy it, I've got as much as I want."
"Wow, thank you so much!" said the first man, "that's incredibly generous of you, I don't know what to say! Oh wait! What did you ask for for your third wish?"
"I wished for a giant orange head."
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. He starts on this when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him. He is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death with a spade.
Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything. So he throws the fish into the lion's cage.
He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. He goes in and a couple of chimps starts throwing coconuts at him. Not amused he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. He's really worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls them into the lion's cage.
Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from South American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by the bees.Alarmed, he grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard as he can, squashing them to death. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do by now. He throws them into the lion's cage, because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like in here?". The other lion says:
"Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees"
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.
But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."
It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.
You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.
In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.
This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un
... keep reading on reddit ➡Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
“Yes of course” replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit ➡[Austin, TX, November 1, 2020] - Although traditionally held outdoors on a single day in the spring, the first portion 2020 the O. Henry Museum Pun-Off competition known as Punniest of Show was conducted via video in October. Now on Saturday, November 21, 2020, PARD will bring you their most popular second segment, O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition
This free, fun, and family friendly event will take place online this year, but with special twists, turns, and surprise modifications to make it the perfect 2020 event for the world's competitive wordplay community.
The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships have been an Austin institution for 43 years. As usual, the contest will feature a cavalcade of word-class wordsmiths from across the globe, all worming their way into your art. Join and enjoy us as they compete to spontaneously spit out the most absurd words you’ve ever heard.
The event will be live streamed at PunIntensive.com.
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,
"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all.
Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 year
[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]
The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.
"It is my great privilege — well, it's my privilege — actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.
Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."
And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:
"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."
"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."
"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."
"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."
[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."
"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."
"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "
"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."
"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)
"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."
[from NPR -- http://www.npr.org/2016/11/23/503178220/president-obamas-2016-turkey-pardon-dad-jokes-the-definitive-list?utm_source=facebook.com
... keep reading on reddit ➡What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!
I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!
Have you heard of that new movie, “Constipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.
I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said “No, doc, it’s dis knee.”
Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.
When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.
What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!
I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."
Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.
Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.
What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!
What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!
Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!
How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!
19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.
My friend told me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, “Yeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”
How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!
What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. “Taken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)
How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.
If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.
I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.
I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!
What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon
Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem
... keep reading on reddit ➡A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Dawn referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked... The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "That was wonderful..."
The husband says, "Don't move... I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not
So this dad likes to listen to his daughter's prayers every time she does them. One night when he is standing by her door, he overhears her say "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The dad is thinking "Ok that was pretty weird, but whatever."
The next morning, he learns that the grandpa DIED. He remembers what his daughter said last night and thinks "Ok umm this could all just be a coincidence" and he thinks nothing of it.
A month later and the daughter is doing the prayers again. "God bless mom, God bless dad, and goodbye grandma."
Once again, the dad learns the next morning, that the grandma has died from a heart attack. Now he's a little freaked out and thinks "This definitely cannot be a coincidence now, but it still could be, so whatever."
A few weeks later, he hears from his daughter's room, again, "God bless mom, and goodbye dad." Now he is totally freaking out because he thinks he's gonna die today. He spends all day being really cautious so he, you know, doesn't die. At 12:00am, he thinks "Yes! I made it! I didn't die!"
Once he gets home from work, he goes over and he tells his wife, "Honey, I've had a really bad day today and-"
The wife cuts in and says, "Yea me too! The mailman died on our porch!"
~this is my first post so ╮(─▽─)╭ ~
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop
any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
Why were the Indians in America first? They had reservations.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A theasaurus.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The
police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
My friend sent me these puns idk source just thought you would enjoy
At first the curse just brought him bad luck, causing vital equipment to break and provoking frequent but small injuries to him and his crew. Soon, however, the curse darkened and diggers the man had hired to help work his claim began to die in bizarre ways.
One was killed by an African scorpion that should never have made it to Alaska, let alone have survived the cold. A second drank a gallon of the mercury used to separate the gold from the ore. A third was found with a tree growing up through his body.
The man himself who owned the claim became more and more pale. His eyes became all white. His skin began to give off an overpowering smell of sulfur. He slept all day and at night he wandered the mountain above his claim, coming back each day looking more like a beast than a man.
The curse became so bad the last worker alive ran away to the nearest town to tell the authorities what was happening at the claim.
In an attempt to save the claim owner's life and lift the curse, a priest was brought in by dogsled to perform an exorcism on the man.
A sherriff from the town came with the priest as a bodyguard.
The exorcism was long, but apparently successful. Immediately the man's color returned, the sulfur smell disappeared, and he was able to sleep through the night for the first time in six months.
After the man awoke, the sherriff immediately arrested the man and brought him back to town with the priest. Standing in front of the judge, the sherriff was asked what charge the law had against the claim owner whose life had just been so dramatically turned around.
The sherriff looked at the man, then looked back at the judge and said in a slow and rumbling voice, "Possession as a miner."
When I was a kid, my favourite thing ever was tractors. It was my first word, my first toy, I had posters of them on my bedroom walls and I loved to draw them too. Unfortunately with age I don’t quite have the same amount of passion nowadays. This all became relevant recently as there was this house fire on my street last week. My instincts told me to enter the house to save the family inside as the Fire Service hadn’t arrived yet. I was able to break down a door and actually clear all of the smoke from the house saving everyone inside. I escorted them out to be greeted by the Fireman who had just arrived. Puzzled, they asked how on earth I was able to clear all the smoke. I simply replied “I’m an extractor fan”.
(From Abbott and Costello’s radio show, December 30, 1943)
Lou Costello: Oh, Abbott, the worst thing just happened to me!
Bud Abbott: No!
Lou Costello: Yeah, Mrs. Niles gave me a dog for a Christmas present, and the dog just took a great big bite out of me!
Bud Abbott: Where did he bite you?
Lou Costello: Well, if I’d have been wearing a license plate, he’d have gotten the last three numbers.
Bud Abbott: Where did this happen?
Lou Costello: Well, let me see, where did this happen — in a crowded streetcar. It was the first time I ever gave my seat to a dog.
Bud Abbott: Well, never mind that. What kind of a dog did Mrs. Niles give you?
Lou Costello: Do you remember that famous dog, Strongheart?
Bud Abbott: Yes, I remember Strongheart.
Lou Costello: Well, this is his brother — Weak Stomach.
Bud Abbott: Listen, I’m not talking about that. What is the dog’s breed?
Lou Costello: What does he breed? He breeds through his nose, like you and me!
Bud Abbott: No, no, no, you dummy, what kind of dog is he? Spitz?
Lou Costello: No, but he drools a little.
Bud Abbott: Look, there are different types of dogs, such as Setters, and Pointers, …
Lou Costello: That’s it, Abbott! He’s a Setter-Pointer!
Bud Abbott: A Setter-Pointer?
Lou Costello: Yeah, he sets all day and points at the icebox! (Editor’s note: we now call an “icebox” a “refrigerator”)
… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes
[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]
Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:
January:
Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes
Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes
An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes
February:
Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes
My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes
When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes
March:
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.
[When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da
A guy across the street yells to him "Hey mate, are you a pole vaulter?"
So the first guy shouts back "No, actually I am originally from Austria but how did you know my name is Walter?"
(You've got to lay the accent on quite thickly for the last part)
This has long been one of my favorite jokes. I'd credit the original writer if I could:
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was literature student from Harvard. The other finalist was a lineman from Alabama. They each would have one minute to compose a poem rhyming the word "Timbuktu."
They drew straws, and Princeton student was to go first. He sat and thought for a few seconds, then spoke into the microphone: "Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination -- Timbuktu.”
The crowd went wild, certain the Alabama kid was done for. The clock started, and he just stared at the crowd. Then, when everyone thought he was finished, out of nowhere he said:
“Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three girls in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu!”
The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.
Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!
What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!
Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.
The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.
How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!
What musical is about a train conductor? “My Fare, Lady”.
A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What animals are on legal documents? Seals!
Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!
Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.
Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Dockyard: A physician’s garden.
What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!
The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.
“What’s purple and 5000 miles long?” “Ooh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Four bucks,” says the bartender. “Put it on my bill.”
I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!
When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is
... keep reading on reddit ➡How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
Where’s the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.
An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks “may I join you?”
Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.
I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to ‘back dat ass up’.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
I changed my password to “incorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know who he was.
I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn’t have internet.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar
... keep reading on reddit ➡Why didn’t the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog’s finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
If you can’t get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? A1: Frankenswine A2: Hamlet Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon. What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
How do they get up there? In pigup trucks. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you’re bacon my heart melt.
What are they warned to watch out for? Pigpockets.
First Carter Page and now Betsy DeVos. Trump’s cabinet is like a game of six degrees of Kevin Bacon except with Russia.
Everything must be wrapped in bacon, including bacon.
If Kevin Bacon doesn’t whisper “Here comes the Baconator” before he has sex all my faith in humanity is lost
I’ll acknowledge Canada Day when they finally acknowledge that’s not bacon
If Donald Trump really KNOWS the average WORKER then where are the pics of Trump hungover in 7-Eleven buying bacon in sweat pants?
This guy ordered a vegetarian sandwich and then added bacon. It was like watching someone have a mid-life crisis and then find a cool hobby.
If we don’t build a wall on our northern border, they’ll soon be maple syrup & Canadian bacon trucks on every corner.
I signed an Executive Order to make Saturday morning bacon and eggs and pancakes with triple butter and syrup non-fattening.
My bedroom smells like maple, bacon and beaver…because I’m Canadian.
When the waitress calls you Babycakes you know you’re getting extr
... keep reading on reddit ➡it'll still be stationery.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore
I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered. He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the ends.
So, I'm a Spanish professor, and I gave a final exam this morning. One of the last parts was that students had to write a paragraph using reflexive verbs in which they describe their daily routine. Since the class only had nine students in it, I told them that if they wanted to wait, I would grade their exams for them and tell them their class grade.
It was an open-book final exam (11 pages long), so I was in my office, and a graduating senior finished first and gave me her exam. When I got to her paragraph, I saw that she had written in Spanish that every day she woke up, got up, took a shower, got dressed, brushed her teeth, ate breakfast, and then she and her friend Emmy went horseback riding. Now, I knew that she didn't go horseback riding, ever, but that it was vocabulary from the previous chapter. The following conversation ensued:
Me: Horseback riding? Really?
Her: Yep!
Me: Every day?
Her: Yep!
Me: Every single day?
Her: Sí, Señor.
Me: I guess you could call it a stable routine then.
OK... so did you ever notice how every time you spend 4 days alone in the woods and you make it out without a scratch or even a mosquito bite, and you're feeling all peaceful and relaxed and at one with the universe, you're not home 20 minutes and unloading the back of your truck when you slam your right shin into the trailer hitch... and amid the flashing white stars around you, your fists clench, your teeth grit, your body tenses and every "mean, nasty and ugly" word you ever read, heard, uttered or even imagined ("Wait... is #*&%#@!!! even a word??? Oh what the heck? It works!") goes tearing through your brain.... and eventually it passes and you keep working, surprised you're not even limping and it doesn't hurt more than it does... and almost an hour later, when you're finished and getting undressed to take your first hot shower in days, you see a lump on your shin the size of Rhode Island... and the first image that pops into your head is John Merrick yelling "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!... in fact, it literally looks like a second knee on your right leg... so you spend the rest of the evening keeping it elevated and icing it on and off, alternating between a blue gel pack and a bag of frozen peas.... and when you go to bed, you keep the gel pack on while you read and then take it off before you go to sleep... and then you wake up around 3AM and decide to check your shin and the swelling has gone down quite a bit... but since you still have several hours before you get up, you decide to ice it again... but the gel pack on the floor is no longer cold so you get up, walk to the kitchen and open the fridge... and after taking a bite of leftover pizza from last night (because... well, you're here and what the heck?), you go into the freezer, grab the bag of frozen peas and take them back to bed with you... but they're all frozen into one big solid ball and well, that won't do... so you lay the bag on the bed to pound it once or twice to break them up, but instead the bag bursts open and suddenly there are frozen peas sprayed all over the bed and rolling onto the floor... and all those words from yesterday come rushing back into your head as you kneel to gather them all up... but suddenly your anger completely vanishes and you can't help laughing to yourself as you think, "gee, I can't remember the last time I pea'd the bed in the middle of the night"???
A little kid and his dad were walking past a shop one day when the kid spies a bright red tricycle in the store window. The kid starts to beg his dad for the it, saying that he never wanted anything more than that tricycle and that he would never be bad again. The dad simply asks the kid, "Can your dick touch your ass?". The kid, disarmed, just says "No." to his dad, who responds "Too bad, then." and continues walking.
A few years later, the kid (now a teenager) and his dad were driving past a motorcycle dealership. The kid takes one look at a beautiful Panhead sitting outside and begins begging his dad for the motorcycle. The dad just looks at his kid again and asks, "Can your dick touch your ass?". The kid, who had forgotten the tricycle until then, just responds with "No." His dad just chuckles and says "Too bad, then."
Fast forward another few years, the kid is now an adult coming home from his last year at college to see his folks. The first thing he does when he sees his dad is put on a great, big grin and ask him "Hey Pops! Can I get a Ferrari?". His dad, again, asks him "Can your dick touch your ass?", but this only makes the kid smile even wider. The kid responds with an enthusiastic "You betcha!", beaming right at his dad.
The dad just stares blankly at his son for a little while and tells him:
"Then you can go fuck yourself."
I didn't come up with this but its been flying around reddit for a while...
A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?' The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.
Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'
The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.
The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.
Father,' replied the son,I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.
Father,' said the son to this,I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'
`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.
I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls
... keep reading on reddit ➡Last night, my family came to pick me up from work after the kids' swim lessons. They were tired, hungry, grumpy, hungry, and hungry on the drive home.
My 6 year old: "Ugh... I'm going to die..."
Me: "You're right; we're all going to die. What are you going to die of?"
6yo: "Hunger and your jokes."
Me: "Well, I hope my jokes get you first. That sounds like a better way to go."
You heard it here first, folks. Dad jokes can potentially kill faster than starvation. Wield them carefully.
Last night i got on twitter, one teacher from a gaggle I follow is talking about Peter Pan and tossing out pun after pun. Another teacher just asked "Can we make him stop?"
I replied, "When d'he start?"
Then another teacher jumped in with "Wendy do you think?"
Huh? I scratched my head. Was my unusual spelling so odd that it wasn't clear what i was going for? She got it enough to use THE SAME PUN in the SAME way.
And then her comment got favorites and 'attagirls'.
So questions: 1) which phrasing was better for the pun?
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit ➡So my daughter was full last night, so I gave her the ol' "Hi Full, I'm Daddy!" for the very first time.
She paused, looked at me like I was dumb, and said "My NAME is not Full. I AM full."
"Hi Not Full, I'm Daddy!"
She paused again, and said "My NAME is not Not Full. I'm full!"
"Hi Not Not Full, I'm Daddy!"
She figures out that this could go on forever and cracks up laughing. When she finishes she looks at me with a glimmer in her eye and tells me "I feel full." She never says "I'm full" now, and always uses "I feel full."
I'm not really sure where to go from here, guys. Help?
so there’s a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. the first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. the second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power, too. the third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.
the kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it’s a valuable resource to have. the first kingdom sends 100 of their finest knights, clad in the best armor and each with their own personal squire. the second kingdom sends 50 of their knights, with fine leather armor and a few dozen squires of their own. the third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.
the night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and make merry, partying into the late hours of the night. the knights in the second kingdom aren’t as well off, but have their own supply of grog and also drink late into the night.
in the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and slings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. he fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.
the next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hung over and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old and weary, unable to get up. in place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. the battle lasts long into the night, but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.
and it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides
[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]
The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.
"It is my great privilege — well, it's my privilege — actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.
Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."
And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:
"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."
"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."
"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."
"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."
[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."
"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."
"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "
"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."
"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)
"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."
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