Never drop a volcano rock on your foot...

...You'll Krakatoa

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πŸ‘€︎ u/headexpl0dy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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I dropped a hot fudge sundae on my foot

I scream

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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What did the chemist say when he dropped a bar of gold on his foot?

AU!

πŸ‘︎ 173
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πŸ‘€︎ u/who_8_my_pasta_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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I dropped a slice of meat on my foot today.

That's bologna!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/soloazn
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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I lost a few digits recently when something heavy dropped on my foot. Today I got prosthetics for them.

Comment below if you’d like to see photos of my faux toes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/deceze
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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My friend was changing a tire when he dropped the car on his foot.

now he needs a toe

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hard-Banana
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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I dropped an anvil on the end of my foot...

Now I have to call a toe truck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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I dropped a dictionary on my foot yesterday...

Today, I woke up with thesaurus toe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jim-Bob-Luke
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
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True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling β€œI stepped on a Bee!”

I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...

Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.

Apparently I had dropped one...

Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....

A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
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My daughter dropped her pill and it landed on my foot

I said "don't worry hun, you're a foot closer to taking it"

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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My uncle dropped his computer on his foot.

He said it megahertz.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudeinthepnw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
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My sister just dropped her Biology textbook on my foot.

MY TOE SIS!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/koske
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
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I dropped my swear jar on my wife's foot.

She said I shouldn't have taken my anger out on her.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2018
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Grandad always hated the milkman

My grandad always hated the milkman. Every time the guy limped up to the door (he’d had his foot damaged in the war) to drop off our delivery grandad would always grumble and mutter. I asked the old man what he had against the milkman. I never got a good answer.

It wasn’t until years later that I figured out that grandad was just lack toes intolerant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlephInfite
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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A compass, a cough drop, and a match.

As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes.

One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for another few minutes, but it got cold and I was chilled and soaked to the bone, so I decided to try to head back to camp.

Lightning was starting to crackle above me, so I thought I should try to take a shortcut to make my hike back quicker. I pulled out my compass and found my direction, but the rain made it impossible to see more than five feet in front of me.

I was looking down at my compass, not paying any attention to where I was going, and suddenly felt weightless. The feeling didn't last long as I thumped down on slippery earth a second later.

I had fallen onto a ledge on the side of a rather steep cliff, the bottom of which was at least fifty feet down.

I sat there, contemplating on how to get back up this cliff as water rolled over the edge ten feet above me. There was nothing to grab onto to pull myself up. I was stuck there.

After a few minutes, I noticed the little ledge I was standing on was slowly getting smaller. The water was coming down so hard it was eroding the tiny bit of safety I had.

I dug through my pockets, thinking maybe I had something, anything, to help me out of my precarious situation. All I had was my compass, a cough drop, and a match. I was screwed.

So, I sat there, watching the edge of the ledge I was on get closer and closer to my feet, when suddenly I felt something pushing on my back.

I turned slightly and saw a wooden box sticking out of the cliff behind me. It was working its way out of the side, the rain surely helping it along. I tried to move away from it, but the ledge wasn't very wide and the box kept coming out, pushing me farther to the weak and failing edge.

As more of the box came out, to my horror, I realized it was a coffin! I had no idea how old it was, but it looked rather rotten. All I could think of was being pushed off this ledge, and the rotten coffin breaking and dropping a skeleton onto my broken and battered body at the bottom.

The coffin crept closer, my foot began to slip. I grabbed onto a root that was sticking out of the cliffside and dug in my pocket once more.

I hurriedly tore the wrapper off the cough drop and stuck it in my mouth. It stopped the coffin.

This joke has been told to me

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TipCleMurican
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2014
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There was an accident at work the other day...

A guy had a metal skid dropped on his foot, severing all his toes. To add insult to injury, while he was recovering in the hospital, he was served divorce papers by his wife's lawyer. No one was really all that surprised, though; she's lactose intolerant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/entropolous
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
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Yesterday before marching a parade.

A member of my section drops their trombone and says: "Today is really getting off on the right foot."

Me: "No you start on your left."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JonArc
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2017
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Uphill, both ways.

We've all heard the old dad joke about how our parents had to walk 20 miles to school, through 8-foot snowdrifts, "uphill, both ways." My Dad used to tell it all the time, but he had a masterful (in my opinion) ending to it.

He would tell the joke as most of us have heard it, and then would say "...and if you dropped your lunch, you were shit out of luck." This never made sense to me until one day I asked him; "Why didn't you just pick it up?"

His reply...."Do you know hard it is to pick a handful of warm oatmeal out of a snowbank!?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rebel_Caper
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2017
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/u/musicmanryann on dropping your baby

http://www.reddit.com/r/gifs/comments/1t1ntf/airports_security_officer_saves_a_baby_in_an/ce3mqjh

> Sorry, "Operation Don't Drop Baby" is always a dad's number one mission and priority. This guy must've ate a foot-long stupid sandwich for breakfast sitting his baby up on the counter like that. Source: I'm a Dad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kernel_Forbin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
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What did the chemist say when he dropped a bar of gold on his foot?

Au!

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Salman_R
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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What did the chemist say when he dropped a bar of gold on his foot?

Au!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shopcounterbill
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
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What did the chemist say when he dropped a gold ingot on his foot?

Au

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_lmaoxd_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
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My cousin dropped his computer on his foot....

He says it MegaHertz.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Godzilla_KOM
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2018
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Stupid computer!

I dropped my computer on my foot and now...

it megahertz. :D

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πŸ‘€︎ u/capngloval
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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