An Irishman finds a genie

All offenses aside, I’m originally from Britain and we make fun of the Irish ALL the time.

So an Irishman stumbles upon a genie’s lamp and says to himself “ooh laddy what have we found here? I tink I’ll give it a rub to see if a genie appears!”

So he does, and lo, a puff of blue smoke comes pouring out of the spout, billows into the air and the genie’s form becomes solid. It speaks, “Oh master of the lamp, I am your genie and I grant you three wishes.”

The Irishman’s eyes are wide open with glee, his cheeks and nose red with fire, he shouts “tree wishes?! That’s just brilliant!” For me first wish, I’ll have a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry.”

The genie, eyes rolling, clicks his fingers and POOF a nice big bottle of whiskey appears before the Irishman. “Well I tink we’ll have to put this to the test!” He snatches up the bottle, takes a long healthy swig, glug glug glug, and the bottle pops as he releases it from his lips, “Ahhhhhhhh!!!” And to his amazement as soon as the liquid in the bottle settled, it gave a large burping “bulp!”, released a large bubble, and when the bubble popped the bottle was full again. “WELL I’LL BE! THAT’S THE MOST INCREDIBLE TING!”

The genie, steadfastly unimpressed, reminded the Irishman “Master, I will bring you fortune, splendor, reputation, treasures beyond any imagination. You have two wishes remaining. What would master want for a wish?”

The Irishman looks to the genie and says “oh tat’s easy! I’ll have two more of these!”

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👤︎ u/bbacconnn
📅︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A Catholic High School had a legendary American football program

Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.

Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program.

One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor.

As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0.

The next day, the headline on the local sports section read:

No Offense, Nun Taken

👍︎ 5
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📅︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Calendar Days That Are Puns!

Days That Are Puns

1/23 - January 23rd reads like 123
3/10 - Mar10 Day - Nintendo's Mario Day
3/11 - There's an awesome band called 311
3/14 - 3.14 is the first few digits of Pi AKA Pi Day
5/4 - May the 4th be with you - A pun on "May the force be with you." AKA Star Wars Day
7/11 - Free Slurpee Day at 7 Eleven stores
9/11 - No intention of being offensive with this one. 9/11 reads like the emergency phone number used in the United States
10/4 - Pun for 10-4, which is similar to saying "roger that"
10/23 - National Mole Day (Avogrado's number) 6.02 x 10^23

Please mention any I missed!

👍︎ 7
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📅︎ May 21 2017
🚨︎ report
Here is what my dad posts to Facebook...

It's either pictures of birds or things like these:

"Did you hear about the hipster who burnt his tongue? He ate pizza way before it was cool!"


"I heard they found that girl Amber who was missing." (There was an Amber alert in MD that day)


"Know what happens when you take "the" out of psychotherapist."


"If life gives you melons, You might be dyslexic."


"Six more weeks of winter isn't so bad when you consider the official first day of spring is seven weeks away."


"At first, I hated the speed bump they put in my front street... But I'm slowly getting over it."


"Why is it impossible for a horse to major in philosophy? You can't put DeCartes before the horse!"


"Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank gourmet coffee before it was cool."


"Q. How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Fish"


"I was going to take all of my old watches and hook them together to make a belt... But then I realized that would be a waist of time."


"Why all the fuss about the Redskins changing their name.

Just change the mascot to a Potato.

Then it's not only un-offensive but delicious."


"I think the NSA is spying on me. They're leavesdropping in my yard."

Bonus picture status

👍︎ 455
💬︎
📅︎ Mar 14 2014
🚨︎ report
A Catholic High School had a legendary American football team. Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily…

Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.

Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program.

One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor.

As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0.

The next day, the headline on the local sports section read:

No Offense, Nun Taken

👍︎ 9
💬︎
📅︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report

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