This light in the bathroom at my office has been out for a year. Today it was finally replaced. One might say it was the โ€œhighlightโ€ of my day
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mojoson24
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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We finally caught the mouse in the office.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/twilighttruth
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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Finally a sequel to The Office

Itโ€™s tentatively being titled โ€œPost Officeโ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Murphy223
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
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*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...

He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:

-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!

Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.

-Ok, so... your current name is.. ยทchucklesยท James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...

-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.

After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.

-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?

-Charles Fart.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/gone11gone11
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 06 2020
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A rock star's Journey

A number of years ago I was in a rock band. We were hugely successful, playing some of the biggest venues and entertaining swarms of fans.

The last shoes we ever played were on our world tour. We played the Americas and then flew over to Europe. We played our way through Russia and even a couple of gigs in China, before selling out our final show in Japan.

It was a hell of a Journey, but it was time for me to hang up my guitar. I retired from the rock star life and got an office job in Tokyo.

I made a few friends at work, and grew close with one in particular, Narada-san. One day Narada had the day off for a funeral, but that wasn't enough; he needed more time. He was torn between his obligation to return to work and his desire to have more time at home. He asked me what he should do.

The answer was simple. I picked up my guitar and played a Japanese version of our biggest hit from 1981:

Don't Stop Bereaving

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BANGexclamationmark
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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A man was in the doctors office

He had broken is arm and was finally getting his cast removed and he said to the doctor โ€œwill I be able to play guitar doctor?โ€ and the doctor replied โ€œof course sir!โ€. โ€œWow, thatโ€™s an amazingโ€ treatmentโ€ said the man, โ€œbecause I couldnโ€™t play it beforeโ€.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PcityJimmy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
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Remember Matt Damon?

I met a stranger oโ€Œโ€Œn tโ€Œโ€Œhe tโ€Œโ€Œube tโ€Œโ€Œhe oโ€Œโ€Œther dโ€Œโ€Œay. He didn't say 'hello', as a normal person might. Instead, he sโ€Œโ€Œaid, "โ€Œโ€ŒRemember Matt Damon".

That seems a little bit weird... but it gets weirder. The next day, I passed the same fellow on the street, while I was out walking my dog. He called out to me once again, "Remember Matt Damon".

But I finally cracked it and called the cops after the SAME guy tโ€Œโ€Œapped oโ€Œโ€Œn mโ€Œโ€Œy bedroom wโ€Œโ€Œindow, aโ€Œโ€Œt 1โ€Œโ€Œ1.30 pm last nโ€Œโ€Œight. He called to me, loud enough for me to clearly hear him through the glass, "โ€Œโ€ŒRemember Matt Damon."

My conversation with the police then went like this:

Me: Officer, I think I have a stalker.

Policeman: can you tell me anything about this person?

Me: Well... uhhh... he reminds me of Matt Damon...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/td941
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 08 2020
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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom...

....First he goes to rent a tux, but thereโ€™s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and thereโ€™s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, thereโ€™s a large limo line at the rental office, but heโ€™s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and thereโ€™s no punchline.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SledgeHog
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
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My father speaks mostly Spanish so would never expect to be able to contribute to this subreddit, but my dad finally dropped one in the car today with my mom:

(On the topic of going home after a doctor's appointment)

Mom: Wait for us outside the office or come inside with us because I don't feel well and I don't want to take the bus.

Dad: Well, then don't take the bus just get on it!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 178
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 25 2014
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There was man named Demitri who lived in Russia....

Throughout his whole life he was just fascinated with trains. Specifically passenger cars. He would enjoy going on trips with his family.

Demitri grew up and decided to make it his career. Unfortunately the difficult life he had from bullies pushed him towards the bottle and turned him to an alcoholic.

One late night in his shift he wrecked the train killing 10 people. When the courts found out he was drunk while operating they charged him with murder and sentenced him to the electric chair. For his last meal he only requested a simple ripe banana. When his time came the executioner strapped him to chair and asked for any last words. He simply said, "No." The pulled the lever and to everyone's amazement he was unharmed. The government saw this as an act of God and released him.

Couple of years later Dimitri got another job operating locomotives again. Unfortunately bad habits are not easy to quit and he was still an alcoholic. These trains were his only happiness. Unfortunately it happened again. He was drunk and crashed the train this time killing 8 people. He was again sentenced to death by the electric chair. He once again requested a banana. This time executioner really soaked the sponge to not risk a repeat. When the lever was pulled Dimitri was again left unharmed. Once again it was concluded to be another act of God and he was given his freedom.

Dimitri turned to the bottle even more especially having 18 lives gone because of him. He somehow managed to get another job doing what he loved most. It happened again though. This time, 23 people. The courts angry sentenced him one more time to death by electric chair.

When the time for his final meal came he requested another banana. The guards being very visibly upset over the situation denied his request and he was left no last meal. As the time approached and he was strapped to the chair. The executioner had a large grin ready to take this murderous man off Earth. When he pulled the lever however he was still left unharmed.

Furious the executioner cried, "How are you still alive?! You did not eat the banana!"

Dimitri shook his head and simply said, "Oh no officer the banana is not why I'm still alive. It's because I'm a terrible conductor."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jms199456
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
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Senior sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Dan_the_Man0904
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 21 2017
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An unbridled masterpiece of a horse pun to one of my students this morning. It's a long setup, but dads will appreciate it. This one really happened as written.

So, I'm a Spanish professor, and I gave a final exam this morning. One of the last parts was that students had to write a paragraph using reflexive verbs in which they describe their daily routine. Since the class only had nine students in it, I told them that if they wanted to wait, I would grade their exams for them and tell them their class grade.

It was an open-book final exam (11 pages long), so I was in my office, and a graduating senior finished first and gave me her exam. When I got to her paragraph, I saw that she had written in Spanish that every day she woke up, got up, took a shower, got dressed, brushed her teeth, ate breakfast, and then she and her friend Emmy went horseback riding. Now, I knew that she didn't go horseback riding, ever, but that it was vocabulary from the previous chapter. The following conversation ensued:

Me: Horseback riding? Really?
Her: Yep!
Me: Every day?
Her: Yep!
Me: Every single day?
Her: Sรญ, Seรฑor.
Me: I guess you could call it a stable routine then.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/wuapinmon
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 08 2018
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Kid tow away service, does it still count if I'm a mom?

A strangers car broke down and they left it in our yard for a week and a half, leaving no name or contact information. After making several attempts on social media to find these people to come get their vehicle, I finally had to call the local police station to ask them to take care of it.

An officer came and he talked about putting a 72 hour notice sticker on it and then having it towed. At the mention of stickers my 6 year old blurted, "oh! Stickers! Can I have one?!" The policeman asked if my boy could come to the cruiser to get a few stickers. I said, "sure but, kid, are you sure? After 72 hours they will tow you away!" My boy groaned "moooommmm...." but at least the officer laughed.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weinerlicker
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 20 2016
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Unintentionally Dad joked my coworker just now.

I work at a CPA firm and walked by a co-worker who looked a bit frustrated since it's tax season. I ask if I'm going to hate doing taxes to when I finally get my CPA license. He replies with "it's not that I hate doing taxes, it's just that im worn out from the overtime". Without hesitation I replied with "oh, I'm sure the long hours can be very... Taxing". I instantly realized what I had said and before I could say no pun intended my Co worker let's out a very loud moan followed by booing that didn't stop until I left his office.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/shibli09
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 13 2015
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Manager smelled what my coworker was cookin'

So, I work with a woman named Libby who is finally retiring in two days. It's no secret that she has a crush on Dwayne Johnson, so as a parting gift/joke some other coworkers bought a figurine, a wall poster, and a life-size cardboard cutout of him and put them at her desk.

When I was visiting her, her manager swung by to see her 'guest,' and he asked if the celebrity was going to be staying in the office. Libby said "Oh no no--he's coming home with me!" He says, "Huh. I thought the pet rock fad died out thirty years ago."

He tried to play it cool, but it was pretty easy to tell that he was absolutely tickled with himself.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheSpiffySpaceman
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 25 2014
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I got a ton of them. This one happened today.

Dad drives me to campus this morning so he can use the car later. At a crosswalk a police officer is always waving his hand, either toward students who want to cross or the other direction for cars to come through. Every time he says "hey man, if you want to fly you need both hands." (with the windows closed)

While waving to our car with one hand he actually started waving hello to someone else. We cracked up when he finally took my dad's advice.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/piclemaniscool
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 11 2013
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Dadjoked A Coworker

Coworker: I'm going to quit and go work part time for Edye (a former employee who started her own business in the same field and has a bunch of cats at her office). I'll just feed her cats.

Me: She doesn't eat cats, does she?

He groaned pretty heartily when he finally got it.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TidalDave
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 02 2014
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Train station attendant was a Dad.

The bus ride to the station had been very stressful. I spent the entire time worrying if the bus even stopped at the train station. I ended up spending nearly an hour making two loops around the city before I finally realized that I had to hop off near the station. Public transport. Jesus.

I'd missed the train I wanted to catch due to my hour-long bus ride, so I had some time to kill before the next one arrived. It had been cold and raining when I left in the morning, but by lunch time it was warm and I was sweating, standing on the station in a big yellow hoodie and jeans.

I had overslept and skipped breakfast earlier, so I resolved not to let the loud farts coming from the old man next to me kill my appetite. I was desperate for a snack.

Initially the vending machine told me it would accept "EXACT CHANGE ONLY". Slightly annoying, but no real problem: I just fished out my change, inserted some alternative coins and punched in the number. I watched the object of my desire inch forwards, ready to drop into the bottom where I could collect it. For some reason I was terrified that it might get stuck. Robbed by a robot, how embarrassing. Luckily the packet fell into the tray. Finally something was going my way.

As I reached into the bottom of the machine and pushed open the metal door, it suddenly stuck. It was wedged in place and the gap was too small for my snack to fit through. "Motherfucker..." I whispered under my breath.

But I was too invested to give up now. Determined not to be beaten by a bloody machine, I pulled hard and the packet burst, spilling chips into the tray. I managed to salvage about half of the crisps and ate them greedily. Partially crushed, but still deliciously cheesy.

At this point it occurred to me that perhaps I should tell the station operator that the vending machine was broken. I walked up to the ticket office and saw a bored, tired looking man in his forties. "I just thought I'd let you know the vending machine is jammed," I announced.

The attendant got up, walked over over to the vending machine and gave it a solid kick, dislodging the little metal door which had foiled me. When he turned to me again his expression had changed from boredom to amusement. "So what flavour was it then? Strawberry?"

I groaned, but couldn't resist a smile.

I knew it was going to be a good day.


๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Revoran
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 30 2014
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A Nice Prom

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but thereโ€™s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and thereโ€™s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, thereโ€™s a large limo line at the rental office, but heโ€™s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and thereโ€™s no punchline.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/StardustTurtle
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 30 2018
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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.

First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 85
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cyburai
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 08 2013
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Prom

A boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but thereโ€™s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and thereโ€™s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, thereโ€™s a large limo line at the rental office, but heโ€™s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and thereโ€™s no punchline.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/leonlikethewind
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 06 2018
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You won't see this one coming

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but thereโ€™s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and thereโ€™s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, thereโ€™s a large limo line at the rental office, but heโ€™s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and thereโ€™s no punchline.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 75
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mickig_
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 20 2013
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