The steaks will be too high for sure.
Fat birds.
(Took this from Mary Poppins)
If you give a man a poisoned fish, you feed him for his lifetime.
...Guess you could say the zoo keeper got bamboozled!
Doctors without boarders.
She said: “My anaconda don’t want none unless it has buns, hun”
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Mooooooooooove over pal I’m tryin’ to eat here
That’s why it’s called a “Pandemic”.
One day, after some extreme over-feeding, the man looked his wife in the eyes and said:
This has to stop
I'm fed up
"Saved For Later"
I killed two birds with one scone.
But I didn’t! All they were doing was putting words in my mouth!
You cut the ends and now you have endless bread.
Courtesy of my 12 year old daughter.
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All the best!!
but they were all stuffed.
None, that’s the pasta’s job.
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Maybe I should quit while I’m a head.
My first official dad joke.
Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger! I’ll be putting this in my little one’s Reddit Scholarship Fund!
At a chicknic table.
Feed it bambooze.
Cat-chow!!
“I shall leave no tern unstoned.”
but it was GRUEL-ing work.
I really hope he eats his words.
Vlad the impala.
A pit bull bites the hand that feeds it, while a hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.
I said, “ Are you sure your baby would like it?”
She told me, “Honey, lunches of oats.”
It was a difficult habit to kick.
I do love me some cow tipping.
"Just use a spoon!" she said. "You're not a Jedi!"
Teach a man to duck, he'll never hit his head again.
Smack him across the face with the fish and he'll stop annoying you forever
Toadstool
I quickly became endeered.
I recently spent $46,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ...but they kind of taste like peppermint.
for all in tents and porpoises.
The steaks have never been higher.
I'm sorry. I don't often do steak puns. It's a medium rarely done well. 😏
Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime!
My wife said, “Use the fricking spoon. You are not a Jedi.”
