True story: My family and I were walking at an apple orchard today when my 6-year-old noticed a discarded apple and asked "Why is there an apple under a pine tree?"

I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."

Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 1k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Etereve
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I looked up my family tree.

I am the sap.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
It's Christmas day. Mariah Carey is opening presents around the tree with friends and family. She opens an envelope with a gift, the deed to a piece of residential land.

With a frown, she says "I don't want a lot for Christmas".

πŸ‘οΈŽ 18
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My family tree is a cactus,

it's full of pricks

πŸ‘οΈŽ 290
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/shirul
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What separates a canine family tree from other species?

The bark.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Dcapz87
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I looked up MY family tree

and got hit with a coconut.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SpecOpsAlpha
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter is the only person left in my entire family tree who has a head of curls.

She's the last hair bender.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/explosivelydehiscent
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Your family tree must be a cactus ...

... because everyone on it is a prick

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/saam_h
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Don’t ever tell a dog about his family tree

They’ll just pee on it

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Just-a-cute-Toast
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Where do people from Alabama go to find out about their family tree?

Incestry.com

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Qdontevenknow
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Family asked me to find the christmas tree to put up, looked around for it, couldn’t find that thing anywhere, its a MYSTREE
πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/savage-nun
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 10 2018
🚨︎ report
While visiting family for Thanksgiving, my wife and I saw a nice bicycle laying, unlocked, beside a tree across the street.

Wife: Huh, looks like someone left their bike there.
Someauthor: No, no. It's lying down because it's two-tired.
Wife: uughhhh
Someauthor's Dad: Nice! That was a really good one, well done.
Wife: uugghhhhhhh (with deeper agony)
Someauthor: I think I leveled up.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/someauthor
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 09 2018
🚨︎ report
We tried to make a family tree but there were too many nuts.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 19
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/tidder422
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 04 2015
🚨︎ report
Family trees, am I right?

They're so relatable!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/whatnameainttaken
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 02 2017
🚨︎ report
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 21k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.

When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a β€œW.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for β€œwater closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the β€œW.C.” is located.

The Swiss pastor had never heard of a β€œW.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled β€œWayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:

Ms. Smith,

I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has a maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest you plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.

Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!

It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share.  I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.

Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.

Sincerely,

Pastor Kurt Meier

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Three Dad Jokes on the way to school this morning.

So, we're driving up a tree-lined street where people often have wedding/family photos taken. It's lined with live oaks and is pretty beautiful. That prompted this conversation.

12 y/o daughter: Why do people sometimes get their wedding photos taken on train tracks? That doesn't make sense.

Me: Because they choo-choose to? [with a debt to Ralphie Wiggam]

6 y/o daughter (Loud groan): Papi, that's a terrible joke.

Me: So you think you could engineer a better one if I train you?

12 y/o: Dad why do you always make these awful jokes?

Me: Because I've got loco motives!

At that point I started laughing so hard I couldn't come up with anymore.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 26 2015
🚨︎ report
I should run for office....

It's an easy way to find out about your family tree.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad just owned me in a facebook message rap battle.

First of all, yes my family have rap battles over facebook, we are that white. It's been a fun rap battle of sorts, and my dad just threw down then well... Here is the conversation:


Father: Parental rap battle, game over with this one...

Father: You say we are weak

that our rhymes are the worst

Just remember my lad that we were here first

Rap didn't begin right now with your gang

It started with ours and came out with a bang

That we can't rap - on Twitter you say

o what a betrayal, Et tu, Brute

Oh no, oh snap, did that happen here

Dad threw down some latin from Will Shakespeare

I'm done with this battle and now I'll decree

Just remember my apple you fell from this tree

Me: I honestly have no words.

Father: Shit.... [TheLegitMidgit] is speechless. How could that be?

Me: Color me impressed.

Father: Is that green?

Me: Stop while you're ahead.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 196
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheLegitMidgit
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 15 2014
🚨︎ report
A family of 6 turtles goes on a vacation

They start walking towards the beach, on the 2nd day it starts raining. The turtle family realise that they forgot the umbrellas back home.

It was decided that the dad turtle would run back home and come back with the umbrellas.

β€˜No way’ the dad turtle said, β€˜you guys would finish up the muffins while I’m away’. The family assured him that they won’t touch the muffins until he’s back.

Reluctantly, the dad turtle starts walking home.

More than 5 days passed and there was no sign of dad turtle coming back.

The young turtles were hungry and there were nothing but muffins left. The mom turtle decided to give the muffins to the young ones.

As soon as she reached the muffin bag, the dad turtle jumped out of his hiding from a nearby tree and said β€˜I knew it you would eat the muffins while I’m gone’

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/vinnaey
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Triangle Trees

Walking in forest with family, spouse points and says, "those trees make a triangle!"

My response: "wouldn't that be a TREEangle"?

Nailed it.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 18
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/philiph
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 18 2016
🚨︎ report
A dad joke from my dad on father's day

My family was on our way to a local Mexican restaurant and we were discussing a town called Park Ridge.

"well you know they call Park Ridge the Christmas town of Illinois, right?"

"why?"

"and a Park Ridge in a pear tree!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/OhTheStatic
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 15 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad ruined seeing a majestic bird

This morning my family was gathered around the table at breakfast...

Me: Oh hey look there's a cardinal out by the tree My dad: Is the pope out there with him?

Horrifying...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/OhyeahOhio
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 27 2014
🚨︎ report
My sister dad-joked me tonight

My family has hired an tree specialist to take care of and old and rotten tree in our yard.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Me: So the tree lady will be here at 11:00 tomorrow.

Sister: OK, but when will she leaf?

Me: ...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/qmlazo
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 26 2014
🚨︎ report
Getting the Christmas tree

Me and my family went to get our Christmas tree on saturday. It was me (17), my sister (21), my father(49) and my mother(47). We're all trying to find the perfect tree when my sister finds a tree with mushrooms around it.

Sister: "Look! I found mushrooms around this tree!"

Me: "Well we can't get this one, it's infected with fungus."

Dad: "There's a fungus among us!"

Thank you for allowing me to share. I don't know why I found it so funny but he said it without missing a beat. Hope you enjoyed it.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/tdkywyk
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 10 2013
🚨︎ report
We've been pronouncing it incorrectly all along!

The snacking nut millions around the world is actually pronounced 'amond' and not 'almond'. I found this out recently when visiting family friends who own an amond orchard in CA.

I asked the owner why they are supposed to be called amonds and not almonds and he said it has to do with the harvesting process. See what they do is spread a large tarp out beneath the almond tree. Then they bring in a machine that attaches to the trunk. This machine is very specialized and is designed to create prolonged and intense vibrations, similar to the tool that is used to level/even out concrete. Once the machine is attached to the almond tree it is turned out. The intense vibrations in the trunk lead to the amonds falling out of the tree and onto the tarp. You see, the machine "shook the L out of em!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/zangywastaken
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 09 2014
🚨︎ report
Christmas dad joke

My family needed to rearrange the furniture to make room for our Christmas tree.

Dad: "It's Christmas it will only be for a few weeks. then the furniture will go back"

Mom: "But what if we like it this way then we can keep it like this all year"

Dad: "Really? a Christmas tree all year?"

My dad and I almost cry laughing and my mom just sulks there angry.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/IAMAhumannumber1
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 17 2013
🚨︎ report
A wild dad appears...

Visiting family in Wisconsin, my mom mentioned taking a trip to DeForest.

I asked, "what's in DeForest?"

In walked dad. Gleefully, "DeTrees!" without skipping a beat.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/smedes
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 30 2013
🚨︎ report
It made me laugh, at least.

I was at six flags with my family and there were a lot of orange lights strung on the trees. I told my dad that I took offense to all of the orange (I go to TAMU) and he kicked the fence surrounding the trees and said, "Well, it looks like they took a fence to it, too."

Oh, daaaad.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ladyinredhead
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 19 2013
🚨︎ report
What kind of tree is your β€œfamily tree?”

The Ancess Tree

πŸ‘οΈŽ 37
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 23 2018
🚨︎ report
My family tree is a cactus

Full of pricks

πŸ‘οΈŽ 32
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Ozboz3000
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 26 2018
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.