True story: My family and I were walking at an apple orchard today when my 6-year-old noticed a discarded apple and asked "Why is there an apple under a pine tree?"

I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."

Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Etereve
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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I looked up my family tree.

I am the sap.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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It's Christmas day. Mariah Carey is opening presents around the tree with friends and family. She opens an envelope with a gift, the deed to a piece of residential land.

With a frown, she says "I don't want a lot for Christmas".

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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My family tree is a cactus,

it's full of pricks

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shirul
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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What separates a canine family tree from other species?

The bark.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dcapz87
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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I looked up MY family tree

and got hit with a coconut.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpecOpsAlpha
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
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My daughter is the only person left in my entire family tree who has a head of curls.

She's the last hair bender.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
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Your family tree must be a cactus ...

... because everyone on it is a prick

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saam_h
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
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Don’t ever tell a dog about his family tree

They’ll just pee on it

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Just-a-cute-Toast
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
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Where do people from Alabama go to find out about their family tree?

Incestry.com

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Qdontevenknow
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
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Family asked me to find the christmas tree to put up, looked around for it, couldn’t find that thing anywhere, its a MYSTREE
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πŸ‘€︎ u/savage-nun
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
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While visiting family for Thanksgiving, my wife and I saw a nice bicycle laying, unlocked, beside a tree across the street.

Wife: Huh, looks like someone left their bike there.
Someauthor: No, no. It's lying down because it's two-tired.
Wife: uughhhh
Someauthor's Dad: Nice! That was a really good one, well done.
Wife: uugghhhhhhh (with deeper agony)
Someauthor: I think I leveled up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/someauthor
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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We tried to make a family tree but there were too many nuts.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tidder422
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2015
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Family trees, am I right?

They're so relatable!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whatnameainttaken
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2017
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There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

πŸ‘︎ 21k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.

When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a β€œW.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for β€œwater closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the β€œW.C.” is located.

The Swiss pastor had never heard of a β€œW.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled β€œWayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:

Ms. Smith,

I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has aΒ maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest youΒ plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.

Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!

It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share. Β I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.

Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.

Sincerely,

Pastor Kurt Meier

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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Three Dad Jokes on the way to school this morning.

So, we're driving up a tree-lined street where people often have wedding/family photos taken. It's lined with live oaks and is pretty beautiful. That prompted this conversation.

12 y/o daughter: Why do people sometimes get their wedding photos taken on train tracks? That doesn't make sense.

Me: Because they choo-choose to? [with a debt to Ralphie Wiggam]

6 y/o daughter (Loud groan): Papi, that's a terrible joke.

Me: So you think you could engineer a better one if I train you?

12 y/o: Dad why do you always make these awful jokes?

Me: Because I've got loco motives!

At that point I started laughing so hard I couldn't come up with anymore.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2015
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I should run for office....

It's an easy way to find out about your family tree.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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My dad just owned me in a facebook message rap battle.

First of all, yes my family have rap battles over facebook, we are that white. It's been a fun rap battle of sorts, and my dad just threw down then well... Here is the conversation:


Father: Parental rap battle, game over with this one...

Father: You say we are weak

that our rhymes are the worst

Just remember my lad that we were here first

Rap didn't begin right now with your gang

It started with ours and came out with a bang

That we can't rap - on Twitter you say

o what a betrayal, Et tu, Brute

Oh no, oh snap, did that happen here

Dad threw down some latin from Will Shakespeare

I'm done with this battle and now I'll decree

Just remember my apple you fell from this tree

Me: I honestly have no words.

Father: Shit.... [TheLegitMidgit] is speechless. How could that be?

Me: Color me impressed.

Father: Is that green?

Me: Stop while you're ahead.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLegitMidgit
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2014
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A family of 6 turtles goes on a vacation

They start walking towards the beach, on the 2nd day it starts raining. The turtle family realise that they forgot the umbrellas back home.

It was decided that the dad turtle would run back home and come back with the umbrellas.

β€˜No way’ the dad turtle said, β€˜you guys would finish up the muffins while I’m away’. The family assured him that they won’t touch the muffins until he’s back.

Reluctantly, the dad turtle starts walking home.

More than 5 days passed and there was no sign of dad turtle coming back.

The young turtles were hungry and there were nothing but muffins left. The mom turtle decided to give the muffins to the young ones.

As soon as she reached the muffin bag, the dad turtle jumped out of his hiding from a nearby tree and said β€˜I knew it you would eat the muffins while I’m gone’

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vinnaey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2018
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Triangle Trees

Walking in forest with family, spouse points and says, "those trees make a triangle!"

My response: "wouldn't that be a TREEangle"?

Nailed it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/philiph
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2016
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A dad joke from my dad on father's day

My family was on our way to a local Mexican restaurant and we were discussing a town called Park Ridge.

"well you know they call Park Ridge the Christmas town of Illinois, right?"

"why?"

"and a Park Ridge in a pear tree!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OhTheStatic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2014
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My dad ruined seeing a majestic bird

This morning my family was gathered around the table at breakfast...

Me: Oh hey look there's a cardinal out by the tree My dad: Is the pope out there with him?

Horrifying...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OhyeahOhio
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2014
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My sister dad-joked me tonight

My family has hired an tree specialist to take care of and old and rotten tree in our yard.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Me: So the tree lady will be here at 11:00 tomorrow.

Sister: OK, but when will she leaf?

Me: ...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/qmlazo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2014
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Getting the Christmas tree

Me and my family went to get our Christmas tree on saturday. It was me (17), my sister (21), my father(49) and my mother(47). We're all trying to find the perfect tree when my sister finds a tree with mushrooms around it.

Sister: "Look! I found mushrooms around this tree!"

Me: "Well we can't get this one, it's infected with fungus."

Dad: "There's a fungus among us!"

Thank you for allowing me to share. I don't know why I found it so funny but he said it without missing a beat. Hope you enjoyed it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tdkywyk
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2013
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We've been pronouncing it incorrectly all along!

The snacking nut millions around the world is actually pronounced 'amond' and not 'almond'. I found this out recently when visiting family friends who own an amond orchard in CA.

I asked the owner why they are supposed to be called amonds and not almonds and he said it has to do with the harvesting process. See what they do is spread a large tarp out beneath the almond tree. Then they bring in a machine that attaches to the trunk. This machine is very specialized and is designed to create prolonged and intense vibrations, similar to the tool that is used to level/even out concrete. Once the machine is attached to the almond tree it is turned out. The intense vibrations in the trunk lead to the amonds falling out of the tree and onto the tarp. You see, the machine "shook the L out of em!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zangywastaken
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2014
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Christmas dad joke

My family needed to rearrange the furniture to make room for our Christmas tree.

Dad: "It's Christmas it will only be for a few weeks. then the furniture will go back"

Mom: "But what if we like it this way then we can keep it like this all year"

Dad: "Really? a Christmas tree all year?"

My dad and I almost cry laughing and my mom just sulks there angry.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IAMAhumannumber1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
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A wild dad appears...

Visiting family in Wisconsin, my mom mentioned taking a trip to DeForest.

I asked, "what's in DeForest?"

In walked dad. Gleefully, "DeTrees!" without skipping a beat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smedes
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2013
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It made me laugh, at least.

I was at six flags with my family and there were a lot of orange lights strung on the trees. I told my dad that I took offense to all of the orange (I go to TAMU) and he kicked the fence surrounding the trees and said, "Well, it looks like they took a fence to it, too."

Oh, daaaad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ladyinredhead
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2013
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What kind of tree is your β€œfamily tree?”

The Ancess Tree

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
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My family tree is a cactus

Full of pricks

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ozboz3000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
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