Family friendly Puns

Is it halfsome?

The Rock's paper scissors said "Shoot."

Gucci Gucci goo

I shih Tzu not.

Because it takes Juan to know Juan

With a frown, she says "I don't want a lot for Christmas".

Especially if my last words were "Help! I fell in the wall!"

Then everybody got it.

That's gnus to me!

Friend: So what are you gonna name him?

Dad: It's a hare, actually.

The Quaranteens

Trying to help my friend come up with a fun slogan for his new company, he's going to be doing home repairs

So far I have:

-Get a fix

-We know the drill

I feel like there's a whole family of awesomeness i'm just not hitting on. why am I so bad at this. help.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

A little bit of Background information:  When I was a young lad, my father was a professional glass cleaner.   Not just for a job, cleaning Glass was this man's passion!  He always wanted me to take over for him when I grew up, but I always thought it would be a pain, it was a silly job, really.   However, I knew that my father would be shattered if I didn't put an honest effort into the cleaning business.    The first time I perfectly cleaned a mirror, I realized I could really see myself doing this!   My father was wiping away tears of pride when I began to become as passionate as he was.

Anyways, fast forward to a couple months ago.   I have taken over my father's cleaning company, and was working a job at a publishing agency.  Now, due to the pandemic, this building had set up different entry points depending on the purpose of your visit, and each one was gated and stationed by an employee so you could have your temperature taken and go through a checklist to ensure you don't have any symptoms, etc.

After finishing the contract at this building, the owner was so impressed with my work that he said he would like to recommend me for a permanent job with a friend of his.   At first, I was skeptical (I had taken over the family business, after all), but it was becoming difficult to find regular clients anymore, so I agreed.    He gave me a single sheet from a notepad, and told me to write down something about myself that sets me apart from others in my line of work, and I should make it a very impactful statement,  his friend was a very busy man and wouldn't look at more than notes like these.    I wasn't sure what to write on the spot, so he told me to think about it, and return the note when I come back to leave the bill for my work.

So I came back a few days later, went through the gate to drop off my bill and my note about how I am much better than any other glass cleaner out there.    Well, it turns out the friend of the publishing agency's owner was a hiring manager for a well-known computer company, and my note really caught his eye, and I was offered the job!   Now I make more money every two weeks than I had with a month!   At first, I though my father would be upset by me leaving the family business behind, but he told me "As long as you are happy where you are, with what you are doing, then you are succeeding in life.  You are no longer a student of glass cleaning, you are my equal, and I am proud of you"  I never realized how freeing it

A cannibble

He had to dash away.

It’s a mean award.

I got drunk and spilled the beans.

Because they cantaloupe 🍈

He is my cousin, twice [removed]

Down south in the backwoods. Along my way I met a friendly family that took me in for the night. Despite being impoverished they insisted that I stay the night and have dinner.

When we had dinner it seemed they were serving a kind of stew. Quite aromatic. I asked them what it was and the reply I got was “It’s Ma’s Soup Y’all.” I shrugged my shoulders and started to eat. The food was good of course but the meat was quite gamey. So I asked what type of meat it was?

‘Possum.

He was bread for it.

Dont believe me? Just watch.

That's why you don't eat Tide Pods.

As family friend of ours has not been able to make it to various activities because he is a mortician and keeps getting called into work, when discussing this my very nonchalantly says: "we shouldn't feel too bad for him. Besides, people are dying to see him..."

Edit: spelling

• Like all cherished things in this covid-crazy world, the O.Henry Museum’s famous free, family friendly celebration of the wit-in-word will take place virtually in cyberspace this year. With an awesome live cast of lively wits and tortured tongues, the online audience will be treated to all the linguistic twists, dramatic turns, and surprise endings they’ve groan to love. Expect to witness wacky word butchers and voracious verbivores from around the globe, all worming their way into your ears. Tongues of tradition, tension and camaraderie make this the premier event for the world's competitive wordplay community
• Brought to you this year by the City of Austin, Brush Square Museums Foundation, and co- sponsored by Austin's very own Fantastic Magic Camp, as well as the internationally renowned podcast, Pun Intensive, The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition will commence Saturday, November 21, 2020
• Preliminary live rounds begin Saturday, November 21, 2020, at 11:00am CST, lasting about 2 hours. Later that evening, live competition resumes at 7:00pm CST with head-to-head prime time heats. - See Pun-Off.com for schedule details, links, and more.

[Austin, TX, November 1, 2020] - Although traditionally held outdoors on a single day in the spring, the first portion 2020 the O. Henry Museum Pun-Off competition known as Punniest of Show was conducted via video in October. Now on Saturday, November 21, 2020, PARD will bring you their most popular second segment, O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition

This free, fun, and family friendly event will take place online this year, but with special twists, turns, and surprise modifications to make it the perfect 2020 event for the world's competitive wordplay community.

The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships have been an Austin institution for 43 years. As usual, the contest will feature a cavalcade of word-class wordsmiths from across the globe, all worming their way into your art. Join and enjoy us as they compete to spontaneously spit out the most absurd words you’ve ever heard.

The event will be live streamed at PunIntensive.com.

I tutor geometry to a 14 year old in high school and he was nervous about his upcoming test so I asked him:

"Do you know what the bravest shape is, one that is relentless?"

"I don't know what?"

"The try-angle."

I showed my dad a photo of a family's friend's newborn baby as it was getting its feet inked to take its prints.

Dad: "Pretty dirty feet for a newborn."

Me: "..."

Dad: "Don't worry. You'll get it soon; and then, you'll laugh."

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."

While waiting for a table at a restaurant, we were discussing if my girlfriend's mom would cut off her hair when the friend lost hers. Suddenly her dad asks, "What kind of candy cow doesn't produce milk anymore?" We all stare blankly until he continued "Milk duds." After a moment of silence his wife suggests we get a drink from the bar while we wait.

When all of a sudden my 3 year old drops her toy mermaid on the table right into a side cup of marinara. I took advantage of the situation.

"I didn't know she was an Italian mermaid"

Groans were had amongst all.

[my parents bickering like a married couple] My mom: don't get snippy! Lance: my hairdresser gets a bit snippy sometimes

Everyone else: good lord that was majestic

My dad ordered their seafood pizza to which the waitress replies, "Thats only available at happy hour." Dad says, "But we're happy right now!"

Him: I'm so mad. My whole family is in Milan right now and I'm stuck here at school. Me: Would you say you're feeling a little Milan-choly?

Friend: "Oh hey! I don't think you've met Jessie before."

Her cousin's dad: "Well hello, Jessie Before! I'm Terry."

http://i.imgur.com/hrFxsXl.jpg

Cantaloupe