*Faint Hungarian Rhapsody No.2 playing*
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blacksesamepaste
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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I saw that Lady Gaga was about to faint and rushed to her help.

She said, "I need a strong cool breeze on my face."

I said, "I'm sorry but I can't help you. I'm just not a big fan."

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thkoog
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
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i went to the doctor's woth my parents, and found out i have tapeworms in my stomach. the doctor showed us some pictures of tapeworms. and both my parents fainted.

i guess ive got a stomach for it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yeeturking
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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An udder day ... An udder pound ...
πŸ‘︎ 132
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nukes-n-Nudes
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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Did you hear about the builder who won the lottery? He was so shocked that he fainted and fell into a vat of concrete...

Apparently he's set for life!

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
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When Archie's fiancee put her engagement ring near her ear, she could faintly hear guitars, maracas, and soothing Spanish vocals.

It was a marry Archie band.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Danielaurence
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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I fainted in the curry house when I heard R.E.M. had split up

That's me in the korma

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EdGacey
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2017
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Did you hear about the librarian who fainted?

He was out of circulation.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lichorat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2012
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Did you hear about that Italian who fainted?

They say he pasta out.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/heycallumj
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2015
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The Monk and The Cow

A monk sits at the peak of a hill that overlooks where the grassy Earth meets a river, the river flows with a breeze, and the breeze explores a mountain range, and the mountains neighbor the sky, and the sky conceals the entire universe, hiding the unknown in plain sight. The monk exhales "Ooooomm". He repeats this until a noise, very faint, breaks his chant.

"moo."

The monk stops for a moment but, without changing his position, dismisses it. "Ooooooommm." He begins again.

He's interrupted again, "moooo."

The monk turns to find a cow looking up at him from the bottom of the hill. "Kind cow," the monk says, "please do not interrupt my meditation."

The cow stares blankly back at the monk. The monk sighs and continues.

"Oooooommmm-"

Even louder, "Mmmooooooooo."

"Dear cow, I must reach enlightenment. Please, refrain from making your cow noises or find another hill."

The monk continues again, "Oooooooommmm-"

"MMMmmoooooooooooO!" The cow exclaims.

The monk stands up angrily, "Cow! Why must you interrupt my chanting?"

The cow replies, "Because you're saying it backwards!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/baconbuddy95
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.

He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

πŸ‘︎ 360
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
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An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan which had the bearing of a military helicopter airily surveying the aftermath of a natural disaster.

Surrounded by his son, his twin daughters and a haggard-looking nurse who looked about ready to end it all if only she could find the bloody switch, he was finally breathing his last.

His son, who loved him dearly and wasn't at all sure if he had been cut out of the will or not, burst into tears at the plight of a man who would look more at home in a red woolly outfit than he ever could in drab, white linen.

"I do not wish to die today, Anthony", he intoned fixing his gaze slightly above his son's left shoulder, "there is something you must do to save me."

"Tell me what to do dad, I can't bear to look at you this way", cried Anthony.

"There is a land, not far from here, where no one ever dies. It is not for dying you see. That is where I must go."

"Where is this place father? Tell me, and I shall take you to it."

"Take me there now", he said faintly as if in great pain, "Take me to, The Living Room."

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LazyLeo1337
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2018
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How are your fingers?

I was skiing and got onto a chairlift with a father and his son (around 6 years old). The father was asking if his son's fingers were still cold. His son, looking visibly upset said "They were okay, but I had forgot about them and just mentioning my fingers made them start hurting again! Don't say another word about my fingers!"

You could hear the gears turning, and I watched the smirk form on the father's face as he proudly stated "Another word about my fingers". His son burst into tears.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slothemo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2016
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My friend feinted on a carousel.

It’s OK though. He’s coming back round.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CJCKit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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Walking around some outdoor shops yesterday...

...we passed by a decorative stone speaker playing some music.

My three-year old: "What's that?"

Not wanting to let the moment slip I simply replied:

"Oh, that's just some rock music."

πŸ‘︎ 196
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MarkovManiac
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2017
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What do you call a paint that lost consciousness?

Faint

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrdLord
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
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BDSM

It was BDSM, she went to bring the whip, she slipped and fainted, i couldn't help her, MY HANDS WERE TIED

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bolus62
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2018
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There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doty152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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It was a dark and foggy night

A man is walking home alone one foggy evening, when behind him he faintly hears:

thump...

thump...

thump...

Senses tingling, he begins walking faster only to look back and make out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

THUMP...

THUMP...

THUMP...

Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER

FASTER

THUMP...

THUMP...

THUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, slams it shut and locks it behind him.

However, the casket crashes through the door, and with the lid of the casket clacking on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Clappity-THUMP...

Clappity-THUMP...

Clappity-THUMP...

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH! the casket breaks down the door. Thumping and clapping towards him, the man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws it at the casket and...

The coffin stops.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MysteryOrange7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
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The Laughing Hoagie

Two high school students named Steve and Josh found themselves broke on a saturday afternoon while strolling around in the city mall. They hadn't eaten lunch and they were getting hungry, but alas, they had no money for food and they were hours away from home.

"I heard there's a place downtown where you can get a sandwich for free" Steve said to Josh.

"That sounds great, let's check it out" Josh replied, and they headed downtown.

They soon found the place. It was a small shop, too small to feel like a real business. The place had no tables or chairs, and not really much furniture at all. An old man stood behind a small counter and eyed them as they entered.

"Welcome to the Laughing Hoagie" he said.

"What is a laughing hoagie?" Josh wondered.

"It's the name of this sandwich place. This is not a regular sandwich shop. We have a special offer here for people who can't afford to pay for their food." the man said as he smiled a toothy smile at them.

"So it's true then," Josh blurted out, "we can get free food here?"

"Not so fast." The old man said. "There is a condition."

"What is it?" Steve wondered aloud.

"Well," the man started "you have to listen to one of my jokes, and the one of you who laughs the most genuine laugh gets a free sandwhich. The other one gets nothing."

As he said this, the old man opened a small refrigerator that stood behind the counter and produced a large, footlong sandwhich with ham, cheese, bacon, lettuce and tomatoes. It was covered in a white dressing and gave off a faint peppery aroma. The boys' mouths started watering at the sight of it.

"What? So only one of us gets a sandwhich?" Steve asked, taken aback.

"Those are the rules," the old man grinned, "if you don't like it, you may leave."

"Nah, we'll hear the joke." Josh said. Steve looked at him, and then nodded to the old man.

"All right." the old man rubbed his hands together as if preparing to dig into a strenuous task.

"What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?" he asked, and looked expectantly at the teens. They both stared at him with blank expressions.

"Bye Son!" he exclaimed, and struggled not to burst out giggling at his own quip. Josh chuckled a bit, but Steve just frowned.

"That was the worst joke I ever heard!" he exclaimed.

"Well," the old man said as he handed the sandwich over to Josh, "if you don't like jokes with really bad punchlines, then this sub is not for you."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fluffigt
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
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Why did the tiny ghost join the football team?

He heard they needed a little team spirit.

πŸ‘︎ 144
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrmcbacon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2013
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On a family holiday to Bruges, we decided to walk to the nearby town of Damme. En route, my Dad said to my sister "your hair looks sort of OK today"

He then explained "to Damme with faint praise"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VWXYNot42
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2018
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Dad to son: Quick! call me an ambulance!

Son: You're... an ambulance.

Dad: I'm-I'm so proud of you, son. [Dies]

Son: I did it... [Faints]

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smilodon-Fatalis
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2016
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I went to my dads funeral in disbelief I said is he really dead?!

I swear I heard a faint no I am dad from the coffin.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meltedpickless
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
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When dad was tired...

When dad was tired he'd always say "I'm so T-U-R-D 'tired' I could F-A-R-T 'faint'"

Sadly/fondly I think of this every time I feel worn out.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pdcrane
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
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My Drivers Ed instructor felt the silence

We were taking a final in drivers ed and one of the questions was "How long does it take to fall into a stare" and the instructor said, "Wait a minute I have to go stretch" and so he walked outside so we could see him out the window and he proceeded to intentionally trip down the stairs. He walked back inside and said "That should answer that," and everyone sat their uncomfortably until he looked closer at the paper and said, "oh, I thought it asked how long does it take to fall into a stair". Needless to say there was the longest uncomfortable silence, accompanied by a faint cough in the back...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fourstago
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2015
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I just made a dad joke to a hospital patient.

So I work in a hospital, doing tilt table tests (for people that faint). The test sucks for the patients, because it's uncomfortable and makes people feel anxious.

Anyway, my patient earlier was an awesome young lady, who happens to have cerebral palsy, so her legs are different lengths, and her arms draw up and are very rigid. She had the best attitude, and was very charming.

So, while she's standing upright, strapped to the table, she was getting pretty anxious, and uncomfortable, since she keeps sliding to one side since one leg leg is longer than the other...

I thought I'd lighten the mood, so I said: "Well, I guess your mom should have named you Ilene huh"?

The nurse looked at me like I was a COMPLETE asshole... But the patient, she laughed her ass off! It was great. After that point she was a lot less tense, and we were able to finish up.

And no, I wasn't being mean when I said it, because I knew she could take the joke. :D

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Totally_Bradical
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2015
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Watching the Homeland on tv with my mom and her boyfriend

Mom's boyfriend: "Do you mind if we watch this?"

Mom: "What is it?"

BF: "Season two of Homeland recap, Homeland: Debrief."

Mom: "Sure."

BF: "Sounds like what I do before each shower... debrief."

Sighs from around the room with a faint chuckle

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SillyGoosey
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2014
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Fraternity Rush

My dad called and asked if I was going to rush a fraternity. He suggested Eata Pi. He laughed hysterically, and I could hear my Mom faintly saying "Oh shut up".

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boywonder69
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2013
🚨︎ report
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.

He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

πŸ‘︎ 250
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report

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