Everybody Talks Puns

I can't seem to find it.

Extremely positive. The most positive, in fact. Everybody’s talking about it. It’s yuuuge. Nobody’s seen anything like it. Sleepy joe never would’ve been able to pull this off.

Have you ever noticed that you never see the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost together at the same time? Oh, sure, everybody talks like they aren't the same person, but I wonder...

Wanna hear my midget jokes? The list is alittle short though.

Today, I got yelled at for making an offensive midget pun. It was over something small though.

Why cant midgets get a girlfriend? They only do small talk

Why will midgets date anyone? They have really low standards

Why does everybody like a midget? They never look down on anyone

I was gonna tell another midget joke, but it came up short.

How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.

Where’s the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.

An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks “may I join you?”

Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.

I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to ‘back dat ass up’.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

I changed my password to “incorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know who he was.

I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn’t have internet.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar

So we were at a certain popular buffet chain, and when my dad 54-year-old with a long white beard went up to pay, the Spanish cashier asked if he was eligible for the senior discount, for ages 65+.

He strokes his beard and says "Nope, I'm not quite there yet.

I was standing behind him waiting to go eat, and I said "Well maybe you should try talking Spanish? Then you will be a señor!"

She gave us the discount, everybody around us cracked up laughing, applause was had, and the Albert Einstein behind us gave me $100. (Seriously though, they both laughed, she gave us the $0.59 discount, and Dad tells this story every chance he gets.)

So, I was driving home with my son today after I picked him up from school.

We got to talking about Australians, and I said I think Australians are my favorite people in the world.

He said "doesn't everybody like Australians?"

My answer "Actually, a lot of Asians seem to look down on them."

So my wife and I were talking about everybody loves Raymond and how sad it was that Dorris Robert's had past away.

My wife said, "did you know that all three kids were siblings in real life?"

I responded, "Well I knew the twins were related!"

She did not find it as amusing as I did.

Yesterday was my birthday and my family took me out for lunch. My cousin has a 2 year old son and they were horsing around. One thing led to another and his son bumped his head on a lamp. After a few seconds he started crying and everybody stopped talking. I look over at my cousin and say "He'll be fine, he's probably just a little light headed". The only person who laughed was my uncle.

Last night we were celebrating my mom's birthday, and as we talked while playing loteria, my dad was speaking about someone and how nice he was and said "Es que tiene la sangre liviana", so I repplied "how do you know? have you weighed it?". Weirdly, everybody (except my dad) started laughing.

Reference: "Tiene la sangre liviana" literally means "He/she has light (weight) blood" , figuratively means "he/she's easy going".

My roommate and I were talking about orgasms when he said "one day a psychologist will figure out a way to simulate one just by pressing a button, and then everybody will just mash the button like crazy."

"Wouldn't something like that kill you?"

"It'd certainly fuck with you."

"Yes, yes it would."

cue groan

Everybody is talking and joking around the table and this dad gets real serious and says "This is important." Then he lays down the green card with important on it...