I bought a record at the charity shop the other day, "Sounds That Wasps Make". I took it home and it sounded nothing like Wasps.

That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redwolve378
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
🚨︎ report
At least twice a week, someone will confuse me with Stephen King’s son,Joe

I’m not Joking.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BritishTeeth11
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Who was the the roundest knight at King Arthur’s table?

Sir Cumference

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone, and I wondered why they were doing that...

Then IT hit me.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/obsidiandragon61
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Person: I'm going to paint the wall at my home gym today. I hope the color works out...

Me: I hope the color works out too since there's gym equipment right there. Might as well take advantage of it.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTimeDictator
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2021
🚨︎ report
At 5,714 strikeouts, Nolan Ryan is the king of baseball pitchers!

I wonder if he'll be overthrown...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I built a hoverboard at home and tried riding it outside, but I fell off.

It was my own asphalt.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kahmeleon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2021
🚨︎ report
The only deck of cards we have at home have all the aces missing...

I don't know how to deal with this.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GuvSingh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
🚨︎ report
We had a bit of an awkward moment at home a while back...

My wife and I were doing a bit of roleplay in the bedroom. I had just handcuffed her to the bedhead when we heard one of the kids turning the door handle. I quickly threw the covers over the both of us and in walked my 7 year old son. He noticed the handcuffs, went really quiet and had this confused look on his face. After 15 seconds or so he asked my wife why she was handcuffed to the bed. She blushed and had to come up with a lie on the spot. She stammered out that daddy was just practicing with the handcuffs for his new job as a policeman and that my son should just go back into the lounge room and watch some TV.

A few weeks later I was asked to careers day at my son's school. My son stood up with me in front of the class and proudly announced his daddy was a policeman and that I lock up baddies. I didn't want to embarass him so I just played along. It turns out I was the one who was about to be embarassed. One of the kids asked if my son had ever seen me at work. My son said no but that he had seen me practicing using handcuffs on his mom. It went right over the kids heads but the teacher was very amused and couldn't stop giggling. I guess my wife and I would have been the hot topic in the staff room that day.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/THPSROCKS
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2021
🚨︎ report
A baseball player was shopping at the dairy while in a bad mood. He'd played in a home run derby yesterday; though he got more runs than anyone else, another player was awarded the trophy. While in line at the register, the lady in front of him was short on cash. He decided to do a good deed, so...

The bitter, better-batter bought her butter!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pthelynese
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the king sperm that was good at maths?

His name was Sir Cumference

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I was all set to celebrate my promotion at work when my son came home and said he was voted king of his class...

He really reigned on my parade.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain

Due to all the indoor fins

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jp_mclovin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Having been stuck at home for quarantine, my wife started having this recurring nightmare that our house is made of celery.

Doctors are calling it Stalk Home syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Researchers Say King Tut Was Exceptional At At The Trumpet

But If You Ask Me, He Was Just Tootin’ Common

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Robhocker
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife rang me at the pub and said, β€œIf you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.

I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I got my car horn fixed at a Lion King themed shop called Scar's Auto Body.

Beep repaired.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I was so bored sitting at home that I memorized six pages of the dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

πŸ‘︎ 972
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
We have a box of dead batteries at home.

They are all free of charge

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gp_11
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
79% of accidents happens at home.

Finally, great news for the homeless.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I have a step ladder at home...

... I never knew my real ladder.

πŸ‘︎ 701
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dream_digital
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
At my book club, I wondered why they were throwing Stephen King novels around.

Then IT hit me!

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Stay-at-home mutha.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
My boss told me I had to stay at home for 2 weeks after my wife bought me an espresso in bed this morning.

I mean, I only told him I woke up with a little coffee.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

πŸ‘︎ 139
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory

It was rough.

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kinkybenny
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
How come no one at the kings table laughed when he farted?

Because noble gases don't cause reaction

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JBaczuk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I have to tell someone about this because I'm at home alone with my 2 year old and 11 month old, and they're to young to understand my best dad joke ever.

My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX!
Edit: Thanks for my first gold!

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Superj89
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
You'd be impressed with the display cabinet I have at home, full of saltwater and semen.

Cum and sea.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Unfortunate events

There was this guy, mid to late twenties, black hair, just average next door type of guy. Mind you, he's not a dad yet. He's a honest worker who worked his way up in his job and makes a decent living for a man of his age. When he was a kid he was not extremely sharp and people would make fun of his stupidity. But he didn't care about that. He gave all he could and went abroad to get the best education from the best university of his time. He graduated top of the class. The he came back to his home town, got a job and fell in love with a beautiful young girl. They were about to get married but unfortunately for some reason god went "hmmm he's doing good for someone his age, better have small chat with him" and took him and he dropped dead just days before his wedding day. The bride who was about to get married to that man was absolutely devasted. She was so in love but unfortunately that didn't end well. She shut herself off from the world and cried every night. Lucky, for her the man left all he earned to be passed on to her if he happened to pass away before her. Then after a year of grieving the girl pulled herself out of her sadness and seclusion and bought a nice house for herself and settled there. But she never got married or made love The on one nice evening the women decided to go to the nearest pub and get some social interaction. She saw this young lad drinking booze all by himself and noticed he kinda looked sad. The lady decided to talk to that guy because she knew how miserable sadness can be. So she initiated a convo with that young lad. The lad took notice of the effort and kind heart of the lady and decided to share his life story, how he grew up in farm house and how he loved farming and all. He was rather peculiar about tractors and such farm equipments, spoke like someone describing about their love of their life. The lady noticed his love for his profession and inquired more. He went on to talk about tractors and all and how he dreamt of riding one when he was a kid and everything. He proceeded to tell how a few years ago a terrible accident made him hate the very tractors he loved as a kid. For someone who inquired more, the lady got tired of hearing about farm equipments and decided to call her day off and told the guy she's going to head back to her house. It was late night about half past 10 and so the lad offered to walk her home. The lady and the lad started to walk down the sub urbs, where the houses were distant and people occup

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uberdumb
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2021
🚨︎ report
There was an emperor who was great at measuring things.

He was an excellent ruler.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FeedbackUSA
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I just bought a Thesaurus at the store and bought it home to find all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

πŸ‘︎ 197
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My 15 month old daughter has been saying "momma" and "dadda" a lot now, and I tried using this to my advantage...

Secretly (when my wife was out), I'd ask her "who do you love more?", and praise her when she said "dadda!". This has been going on for weeks now.

The other day, my wife got home and I wanted to show her my little 'trick'. So I asked our daughter, "Who do you love more?", in which case she replied "dadda!" and ran towards my wife (which is very clearly her favourite btw).

My wife, who didn't care much for the new thing I taught our daughter, bent down and picked her up to cuddle with her. Her facial expression changed a bit, then she laughed. She looked at me and said "well, she ran to me as she said that, and her diaper is full... so clearly she was full of crap when she said that!"

My wife is now in on the dad jokes and won this one!

Edit: Bolded the text to emphasize what part of this story was the dad joke...

Final Edit: My wife was surprised at how much this blew up! She says thanks to everyone, but she has no idea what the awards are for (since she doesn’t use Reddit). πŸ˜‚

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2021
🚨︎ report
One day, as I was walking home, someone threw a block of cheese at my head. I thought-

β€œThat’s not very mature!”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/quantomcatnip
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says "How do you spell 'penis'?". My wife looks at me curiously and then asks "Why?"

After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife asked how many Indian flatbreads do we still have at home,

I said naan.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/criticatto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a builder from Newcastle do at home?

DYI

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AreYouShaw26
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Why should you always eat eggs benedict at home on Christmas?

Because there's no place like home for the hollandaise.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PA_Dutch_Oven
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.

He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said β€œWhy were you out all night?” He said β€œHow did you find out?”

She said β€œThe bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeGoHungaBunga
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
At my book club, I wondered why they were throwing Stephen King novels around...

Then IT hit me!

πŸ‘︎ 86
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and said, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
At my book club, I was wondering why they were throwing Stephan King books at me.

Then It hit me!

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/4rn48
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Being stuck at home during lockdown, I keep having these nightmares that my house is made of celery.

Doctors are calling it the stalk home syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report

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