Does E. Honda from Street Fighter 2 have a Korean cousin named...

E. Hyundai?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_becks_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2018
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A guy goes for a drive and his car stalls...

...right in front of a house where there’s a huge party going on. He walks in and notices that the party is somewhat divided. There’s a clear distinction between the people waiting for the bathroom and the people queued up for drinks, etc.

Considering the urgency of the bathroom queue, he walks over to the drinks table and asks everyone there if they wouldn’t mind helping him push his car to get it started. They agree but even with the full might of several people, the car doesn’t budge. He thanks them for trying and they all head back inside.

A little while later, the doorbell rings. The man sees the host open the door to the largest pizza guy he’s ever seen. The behemoth is holding 15 pizzas with one hand, a pallet of buffalo wings with the other, with a keg strapped to each shoulder. The man jumps up and asks the pizza guy for his help pushing the car. He agrees and they head to the street.

With barely one touch of a pinky on one hand, the car lurches forward and starts right up. The man drives off, waving behind him and yelling a quick, β€œThank you.”

As he catches sight of the party fading into the distance, he says to himself...

β€œThank goodness for the delivery because that punch line sure is weak.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/silashoulder
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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An American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German man are all watching a street performer

The street performer notices the four men are very far to the back and cannot see, so he stands on a box and continues his performance while asking, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Si."

"Ja."

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought "the streets are strangely desserted tonight."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whlightning
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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Italian restaurants

Two Italian restaurants operated on the same street. The other chef was certain that the other one had stolen his recipes so he payed a visit at his competitor’s restaurant.

He got served with nice plate of spaghetti and the waitress said: β€œThis full pl8, I’m sure you can appreci8. It’s so gr8. Now just dig in don’t hesit8, I sure you don’t want to w8”.

The chef looked at the waitress and asked: β€œIs that a copypasta?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-KFAD-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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Dad Jokes

It was a brisk Saturday morning when Gerald arrived at β€œThe CafΓ©,” a hip coffee shop right down the street. Wearing his large, burly black coat, he stared hesitantly at his watch. Thick glasses adorned his bright blue eyes, his gaze like starlight in a clear night sky. He was waiting, intently twiddling his thumbs. After a buzz of his phone, the message from Dad popped up: β€œParking now, be there in 5.”

β€œDad,” he whispered under his breath, swiping the message away to once again reveal the image on his lock-screen: a hazy picture of an ultrasound.

Gerald had not spoken to his father for three years. They had had a falling out, over which he did not remember. To him it was a competition of who could wait the longest without calling or sending a text. Who could wait the longest: him without a father, or his father without a son? The idea of friction in the relationship hurt like a thorn; piercing his soul more and more everyday. Until recently, out of the blue, β€œDad” popped up on his phone. The rest is history. The rest leads to that Saturday morning, at The CafΓ©.

Bang! A car door rang out not too far from where Gerald stood. Gerald saw him. His father wore his tweed jacket like a coat of armor. His strut was now weaker than before they stopped talking; a weakness evident in his cane which supported every right step. His shortly trimmed white beard juxtaposed against his uncut, curly grey hair gave him the image of a wise wizard from a fairytale. He used to be that figure to Gerald, yet instead of a nice ancient being acting like a stone to keep him grounded, Gerald had felt as though his father was a rock pulling him deeper and deeper into a sea of monotony. Holding him back from his true potential. Maybe that was why he left? He still did not know.

β€œHello, son,” came the withered voice Gerald had sook for so long, yet now that it had arrived wanted to avoid. β€œI can’t believe it’s been so long!”

β€œYeah,” said Gerald, allowing a smile to grace his face. β€œToo long!”

Then they hugged, signifying a change in their relationship. Gerald had hoped something could happen to bring them closer together. He did not want to go on wondering what could have been. The regret and sadness weighed him down. Before starting a new family, Gerald wanted to be reacquainted with his own.

After finding their table and sitting down, the two began to discuss life. It was like old friends catching up after a long break. Although it took some time, Gerald began to warm u

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sullyrr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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Why do rappers like sidewalks?

They kept them off the streets.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Billy35365
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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A church was hiring a new bell ringer

And they interviewed an applicant named Stan. Stan had no arms due to an accident so the hiring manager asked how he would ever be able to do the job.

"I'll show you",said Stan.

They walked up flight after flight of stairs to the Bell tower all the while the manager wondered how Stan would ever be able to do the job. His questions were soon answered when after reaching the Bell tower, Stan took off running striking the bell face first. Gooong goes the bell. Stan picks himself up, takes off running face first at the bell, Gooong.

"Hold, on. You'll hurt yourself."

"I'm tough," said Stan, " "and I really needed this job"

"Ok," said the manager, leaving Stan to do the job.

All day the bell rang on the hour correctly and the manager thought too soon that he had misjudged Stan. Finally, at six in the evening there were only three gongs, then a commotion. Going out to see what was going on he found Stan dead on the street below. Apparently he had become disoriented from head trauma and missed the bell entirely falling to the street below.

"Who was this man, Who was he?" asked the crowd.

Not wanting to admit liability for the accident, the manager said "I don't know."

"But his face sure rings a bell"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_pos-tmodern_man
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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My Son: Want to hear a fun fact?

Me: Sure, tell me one son. My Son: Did you know that Lincoln had a guard with him at the theater where he was shot, but that the guard left to go across the street to have a drink and that's why Lincoln wasn't guarded when he was shot? Me: No, son, I had no idea. My Son: But that's not all. It was the same bar that John Wilkes Booth was waiting in before going to kill the president. Me: So did they see each other? My Son: I'm not sure dad. I'm thinking Booth might have been waiting to see if he would come in before he went over to shoot Lincoln. Me: I wonder if the guard came in, and Booth ask him if he could buy him a shot?!?!? My Son: audibly smacks head

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackrabbits1im
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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We were moving some boxes to my son's car, when he dropped a Scrabble game and the letters scattered everywhere. So I asked him...

"What's the word on the street?!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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I’ve been getting into selling socks recently

You know, the ones on Wool Street

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πŸ‘€︎ u/diggy0101n
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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The school made the use of "bullet points" illegal because it incited violence in the classroom, and I must admit I couldn't have cared less. That's all changed now, though.

The bus driver isn't allowed to drive my kids anymore because we live on a dead end street.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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I just want to give a shout out to sidewalks

For keeping me off the streets

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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Point finger: β€œwhat’s that?”

My two year old pointed across the street and asked, β€œwhat’s that?”

I tried to guess and he is often trying to learn the names of things. β€œA tree? A car? Grass? A bird?”

No to all of them.

Then he said, β€œit’s a finger.”

I got dad joked by my two year old.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Yesterday someone told me that whatever job I do at my bank isn't a fancy one, so I decided to do something about it.

I shifted my seat to look out of the window to stare at the wall directly across the street.

Imma wall street banker now

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stent_kush
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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I was surprised about a pair of sunglasses on the road today

I got them for free, but that's way below street value

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MajorTom314
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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I picked up a U2 version of Monopoly at a garage sale.

It's rubbish. The streets have no name.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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While I was walking the dog, our 4 yo was harassing my wife for a treat. She texted β€œShe’s trying to get a popsicle out of me.”

I responded β€œBut you’re not a freezer.”

I could feel the eye roll down the street.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/976chip
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
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The leader of a small settlement had a good life

People were greeting him on the street and were willing to help him when needed. He was respected. He was not waiting in line at the supermarket. He had discounts to all shops he visited. He even had priority in choosing which girl to spend the night with..

However, soon more people started coming to that place. The settlement became bigger, more like a village. The newcomers actually did not care that much about the leader. He was slowly becoming more irrelevant, more equal to everyone else.

He had lost his pre-village.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hornyonion
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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Why are there no cars in Minecraft?

Because the streets are blocked off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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Dad’s Big Day Out

I witnessed an apple store robbery today, they made me an iWitness. I was already running late, after my wife took my cheese this morning. Even after I told her it was Nacho cheese. She asked what time my dentist appointment was, I told her Tooth hurt-y. But I didn’t end up going, as there was stairs I had to ascend. I don’t trust them, they’re always up to something. Then my wife got really mad at me and said that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

I went straight to the barber for a new look. He asked me if I wanted a haircut? I said no, I want them all cut. Puzzled he would ask such a silly question, I noticed the graveyard across the street looking overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there I thought. I picked up a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down! Shear amazement a barber would have a book like this! I told the barber I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me. He stopped cutting my hair when my ear fell off. He must of realised I was a leper at this point so I paid for his service and told him to keep the tip.

I received a call from my Eastern European mother in law, apparently my child was refusing to sleep during nap time. She told me he’s guilty of resisting a rest. Then she called me straight back to say there was a kidnapping. I rushed to her home to find my kid napping. I was angry by the miscommunication but that anger turned to joy when I realised it was the first day of spring. I got so excited I wet my plants. After which I realised I was late for soccer practice. I’m not a big fan of the sport but I was doing it for the kicks. I decided not to go as I was tired from the night before where I spent the night looking for the sun. Then it dawned on me. Unusual for me, as I’m usually a pretty good sleeper. I can do it with my eyes closed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lovethebigones
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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Remember Matt Damon?

I met a stranger oβ€Œβ€Œn tβ€Œβ€Œhe tβ€Œβ€Œube tβ€Œβ€Œhe oβ€Œβ€Œther dβ€Œβ€Œay. He didn't say 'hello', as a normal person might. Instead, he sβ€Œβ€Œaid, "β€Œβ€ŒRemember Matt Damon".

That seems a little bit weird... but it gets weirder. The next day, I passed the same fellow on the street, while I was out walking my dog. He called out to me once again, "Remember Matt Damon".

But I finally cracked it and called the cops after the SAME guy tβ€Œβ€Œapped oβ€Œβ€Œn mβ€Œβ€Œy bedroom wβ€Œβ€Œindow, aβ€Œβ€Œt 1β€Œβ€Œ1.30 pm last nβ€Œβ€Œight. He called to me, loud enough for me to clearly hear him through the glass, "β€Œβ€ŒRemember Matt Damon."

My conversation with the police then went like this:

Me: Officer, I think I have a stalker.

Policeman: can you tell me anything about this person?

Me: Well... uhhh... he reminds me of Matt Damon...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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Did you hear about the rapper that had a weird asphalt fetish?

He came from the streets.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ivytheblindhusky
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his scrabble letters while walking down the road.

I asked him, β€œWhat’s the word on the street?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yaokyle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
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I bought a copy of MS Office, but I dropped it on the road going back to my car...

...well, that's the Word on the street.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
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A hearse is driving up a very steep street

A hearse is driving up a very steep street and once it gets near the top, the back door opens up and the coffin comes shooting out of the hearse and rolls down the street.

People are diving out of the way, cars are swerving, it’s chaos! By the time it reaches the bottom of the hill it has picked up a lot of speed and crashes into a wall surrounded by people.

The door pops open, the body sits up and says β€œDo you have anything to stop this coughin?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/countryroads8484
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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Where do zombies live?

On a dead end street.

My 8 year old told this.

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πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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Movie night

Me and the family are staying off the streets these days. Going to stay in and watch a Tentin Quarantino marathon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/urlordcov
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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A short essay on the benefits of beating the shit out of each other β€” A satirical essay based on a single, overplayed pun

In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:

  1. Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.

  2. Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.

  3. Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.

Although some people might say, that beating the shit out of each other is violent, most of them have never been to a public toilet and hence are unable to realize how much more painful and violent the alternative is.

In summery, beating the shit out of people is a good, legitimate, and affordable alternative to laxatives and is a better, more progressive way, to deal with constipation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a5paperblank
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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My food truck idea

Food truck with eggs being the theme in every dish.

"The Poach Coach"

Popular dishes:

  1. Eggs Been a Dick (2 poached eggs and 1 average but adequate size sausage)
  2. Omelette that one slide (you're choice of filling, but don't fucking test me)
  3. The Dwight Yolk Em' (served in a plastic cowboy hat to go. Must eat while walking the streets of Bakersfield) 4.The Mr. Burns Eggcellent Scramble (smithered with cheese)
  4. The Quiche a Grey (oralgasmic quiche with a money shot of sausage gravy)
  5. The John Denver Omelette (full of all kinds of shit)
  6. Jesus'ed egg (basically a deviled egg only more judgmental and boiled in holy water)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sakibombs85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
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Therapy

A psychiatrist asked his patient if he could remember one life changing moment that really stood out from any others.

He replied. "Why yes. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was running down the street with tears flowing from my eyes crying 'Its a boy, its a boy!' I made a concious decision that day to never visit another brothel in Thailand".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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My wife came back from the store today wearing a shirt with stalks of corn on it.

I asked her if she got a good deal on her new crop top, and she heard me from across the street. Her ears are brand new!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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Yelled down the street to my daughter while she was walking my FIL's little chihuahua: "Hey did you get that dog on sale??"

It certainly looks like you got it half off!!

I could hear the groan all the way up the street..success!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Malbert215
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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One my actual father said to me

Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street? Well she is now a receptionist in an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

Unfortunately, she is no longer allowed to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say:

β€œPicabo, I.C.U.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadar-Kai-Rogue
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
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514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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Three tomatoes walk down the street

Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato are walking down the street. Baby Tomato starts lagging behind and Papa Tomato gets really angry. So he goes back and squishes him and goes 'catch up'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ashur305
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
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I bought a U2 GPS and it’s garbage..

The streets have no names and I still haven’t found what I’m looking for..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChrisMJacobs1987
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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I went to see the famous "Iron Swordsmen of Venice" perform their street theatre.

But when I got there, the streets were empty with only a small sign saying that there would be no show today because it was the Ferrous Duelers' Day Off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CyclopsRock
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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U2 are touring in Australia, so I upgraded my GPS to Bono’s voice

Now the streets have no name and I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Delliott90
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes"

"Oui"

"Si"

"Ja"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amanbbi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
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Long joke ahead, but well worth it.

A while ago, there were some friars who needed to raise money, so they opened up a flower shop. Across the street, there was another flower shop that had already been open for a few years. Afraid of competition, the owner politely asked the friars to sell something else in heir shop. They refused. People liked the new flower shop better, so the first shop’s profits started dropping. Concerned that he might go out of business, the owner of the first shop asked the friars to close their shop. They refused. Some time passed, and the first shop was on the verge of bankruptcy. Desperate, the owner begged the friars to close their shop. They refused again. Then, the owner of the first shop used the last of his money to hire a hit man named Hugh Williams to beat up the friars and trash their shop. He did, and when he was done, he told the friars he’d be back if they didn’t close down. Scared for their lives, the friars agreed, proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent Florist Friars.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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Why do traffic lights turn red?

You'd turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whomikehidden
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
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Christmas Joke

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking towards them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. The man says to his wife "See, and trust me, Rudolph the Red knows rain dear!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JBennett_29
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
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I finally taught my dog do do his business outside...

He started with a lemonade stand and eventually earned enough to move into a new dogcondo down the street.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
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My dad told me this just now

Dad: Hey I was just at the gas station and this lady next to me was filling up her car with gas and then she spilled like half a gallon

Me: Oh jeez

Dad: Yeah I know anyway she opened her door to get something to wipe it up with cause the station had nothing and then this huge Rot Weiler ran out of the car and licked up a bunch of gas then ran away and the lady was Freaking out so I ran across the street to grab the dog and I finally caught up to him and he started walking in a circle and then just collapsed

Me: Oh my god what happened

Dad: He ran out of gas

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZAP_Riptide
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
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About to go mow the grass after getting stung by a bee

Told my wife, "I hope I don't have any flash backs to Bee-ietnam"

My stuff is out on the street

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/purpalit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What's an Australian's favourite chocolate?

Koala-ty street

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ballbag94
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
🚨︎ report
If you have a satnav that you can change the voice on, please do not use Bono from U2!

I did this last week and now the streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/victor_devito
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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Did you hear about the hit and run in Nepal?

They found Himalayan in the street!

πŸ‘︎ 243
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ObiWan1123
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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And I said if I wanted sauerkraut...

I'd push our friend Hans in the pool in his street clothes.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bubblezoid
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
🚨︎ report
So a frog walks into a bank

So a frog walks into a bank, and up to one of the tellers, a young woman by the name of Patricia Wakk. He says to her, he says, β€œMiss Wakk, my name is Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger, and I’d like to take out a loan. I make porcelain elephants,” he says, pulling one out from his pocket, β€œand I’d like to open a store down on Main Street selling them. I just need a few thousand dollars to buy the shop. Can you help me out?”

Now, Patricia doesn’t normally deal in small business loans, so she’s unsure on the proper protocol involved, so she calls over her manager and explains the situation to him, explaining Kermit’s family ties and showing him the elephant, to which her manager replies,

β€œIt’s a knick-nack, Patty Wakk, give the frog a loan! His old man’s a rolling stone.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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While walking down the street a man found a hundred dollars on the ground...

While walking down the street a man found a hundred dollars on the ground. Ecstatic, he took the money and walked into a nearby store, thinking he would treat himself. Inside, he purchased a large chocolate cake and started walking home. Suddenly, a crazy old man popped out of an alley next to him and ran straight past him! As he went by, he dropped a mechanical eyeball straight into the middle of the cake. Dazed, the man stopped and stared at the eyeball when it suddenly started to belt out a tune!

Well, obviously the best part of this story was the finding of the 100 dollars - everything else is just eye sing on the cake.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/0elijaHayes0
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
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The Seattle Symphony is playing Beethoven's 9th.

In the version they're doing, the bass section plays a bit at the start, then just sits there til the final part of the last movement. So, they decide to leave the concert and go out for drinks.

While at the bar down the street, they meet a European nobleman, and they become good friends. Unfortunately, the guy had been gorging himself on crappy bar food, and he quickly falls into a food coma.

One of the basses drunkenly checks his watch and says, "crap! We're not going to get back on stage in time!" As they're sprinting back, one of them says, "actually, I thought this would happen, so I tied some of the pages of the conductor's score together - that way, he'll have to slow the tempo way down with his right hand while undoes the knots with his left!"

And so they get back just in time to finish the Symphony, and the audience is none the wiser. The conductor, however, was furious.

After all, they'd left him at the bottom of the 9th, with the score tied, while the basses were loaded, and the Count was full.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhantomImmortal
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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I didn't know I'd turned down the wrong street in Mexico...

Til I got pulled over for wrong direction on a Juan way street.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Went for the long con with my wife

I had a little mishap with a pruning saw in the yard and asked my wife to patch my finger up. She's a nurse, so I figured she'd dress my wound better than I could. She started off with cleaning up the cut with a betadine swab.
Wife: "This might sting a little bit."
Me: Yup. Yup that stings.
Wife: Sing a song. It'll take your mind off of it.
Me: "Roooooxanne, you don't have to put on the red light, Those days are over you don't have to sell your body to the night..."
Wife: sideways look
Me: "Roooooxanne, you don't have to wear that dress tonight, Walk the streets for money you don't care if it's wrong or if it's right..."
Wife: sideways look
Me: "You know who sings that, right?"
Wife: "Yeah, the Police."
Me: "Who and the Police?"
Wife: "Sting?"
Me: "Yes it does."

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/capomatt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2016
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It was a dark and foggy night

A man is walking home alone one foggy evening, when behind him he faintly hears:

thump...

thump...

thump...

Senses tingling, he begins walking faster only to look back and make out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

THUMP...

THUMP...

THUMP...

Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER

FASTER

THUMP...

THUMP...

THUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, slams it shut and locks it behind him.

However, the casket crashes through the door, and with the lid of the casket clacking on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Clappity-THUMP...

Clappity-THUMP...

Clappity-THUMP...

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH! the casket breaks down the door. Thumping and clapping towards him, the man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws it at the casket and...

The coffin stops.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MysteryOrange7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
🚨︎ report
What is Donald Trump’s favorite news publication?

The Wall Street Journal

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cloud707
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
🚨︎ report
This joke is rather pawny.

I was walking down the street when I found a gold chess set lying on the ground. I don't really need it, so I might just pawn it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DReinholdtsen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I got dadjoked by my 11 yo son.

After his baseball game, we picked up some take-out food for the family. Driving home and now dark, he and I see three people walking along the shoulder of our street, all wearing dark clothes. I almost hit one of them. I say, shaking my head, "Look at these idiots, wearing dark clothes at night...someone's gonna get run over."

He replies, from the back seat, "Yeah...they're not too bright."

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CCbullet
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2015
🚨︎ report
I overheard someone saying that a truck carrying Scrabble games overturned on route.

At least that’s the word on the street.

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2018
🚨︎ report
House Fire

When I was a kid, my favourite thing ever was tractors. It was my first word, my first toy, I had posters of them on my bedroom walls and I loved to draw them too. Unfortunately with age I don’t quite have the same amount of passion nowadays. This all became relevant recently as there was this house fire on my street last week. My instincts told me to enter the house to save the family inside as the Fire Service hadn’t arrived yet. I was able to break down a door and actually clear all of the smoke from the house saving everyone inside. I escorted them out to be greeted by the Fireman who had just arrived. Puzzled, they asked how on earth I was able to clear all the smoke. I simply replied β€œI’m an extractor fan”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpecialBKay
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Just yellow please

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,

"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger."

The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."

To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"

"No son, I want this color."

"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrotalusHorridus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Shoutout to the sidewalk!

For keeping me off the street

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scottyh400
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Three Dad Jokes on the way to school this morning.

So, we're driving up a tree-lined street where people often have wedding/family photos taken. It's lined with live oaks and is pretty beautiful. That prompted this conversation.

12 y/o daughter: Why do people sometimes get their wedding photos taken on train tracks? That doesn't make sense.

Me: Because they choo-choose to? [with a debt to Ralphie Wiggam]

6 y/o daughter (Loud groan): Papi, that's a terrible joke.

Me: So you think you could engineer a better one if I train you?

12 y/o: Dad why do you always make these awful jokes?

Me: Because I've got loco motives!

At that point I started laughing so hard I couldn't come up with anymore.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2015
🚨︎ report
Genies work differently than you think they do (long joke)

A man walks into a peculiar bar. There’s a small man no more than a foot tall playing the piano in the corner, men with horns and many other odd things. He noticed people huddled around a table. He walks up to the bartender and asks β€œwhat’s going on over there?” The bartender replies,” oh it’s a game, if you win a genie will grant you one wish”. β€œReally! Can I wish for anything!?” The Bartender says β€œyup just be specific and enunciate. Trust me” β€œHow do you play!?” The man asks excitedly β€œIt’s simple if you roll snake eyes you win. Everyone gets one chance and no more” The man runs over the the table and waits his turn. Once he gets up to the table he rolls snake eyes, he’s ecstatic. A genie appears over the table and says”you get one wish” The man is jumping up and down in excitement. He can hear the bartender saying something but ignores him and says”I want a million bucks!” The genie says”done” snaps his fingers and disappears. In that moment one million male deer, elk, antelope and other animals fill the bar spilling out into the street. After several minutes the stampede leaves the bar and the man says” what was that that wasn’t what I wanted!?” The bartender says β€œwhat did I say!? I told you to be specific and enunciate!” β€œOooh I see But how did you know that would happen” the man says β€œDo you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirOrville
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
🚨︎ report
A new postman

A new postman on a route sees that in outgoing mail are several letters he delivered a day before. He thinks it's odd and redelivers them to the right mail boxes. Next day he sees the same letters again and he gets curious and sees that they all were addressed to same street. He redelivers them again to the right mailboxes. Same thing happens on the third day, so he thinks hard and formulates a hypothesis. He wants to confirm it, so he decides to stop his route delivery and wait there rest of the day.

Around 7 pm, he sees 4 men come to the mailbox, take their letters and put them back into the outgoing bin. The postman runs over to them and asks "hey, you guys use Reddit?" - they say "yeah, how did you know?", The postman says "all that reposting is pissing me off guys"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YogiAtheist
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Was on a date, made the joke, no regrets

We were walking down the street and I saw the upcoming intersection was "Fairwell Ave."

When we reached the crosswalk, I said I should head home, and then followed up with, "I guess this is farewell."

Eyes rolled but it was worth it.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ“…︎ May 08 2016
🚨︎ report
Why did the college grad mention side walks in his speech?

He thanked them for keeping him off the streets.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShrekuLater
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
🚨︎ report
An Australian is visiting England...

He is from a small rural town and he does not know anything about traffic laws and street lights. He crosses a street and almost gets hit by a car. A police officer sees him and screams: "Oi! Did you come here to die?" The Australian replies with: "Nah mate, I came here yesterday!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do stop lights turn red?

well, what color would you be if you had to change in the middle of the street?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nohpetsallowed
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
People in the 17th century were so baroque...

there was constant luting in the streets

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chateau512
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Need some help. Life's been difficult.

My family/town has socially alienated me for my sexuality. This has lead to quite a couple of problems, as you could imagine.

I've been behind on my taxes for quite a bit and it was only a matter of time before the government found out. They've been having a field day confiscating all my belongings.

That leaves me on the street.

I make enough money panhandling and doing under the table stuff to get me food every day and even enough to pay for an unlimited data plan, which I'm using to write this.

I need support. I can't continue on like this.

Life's not easy.

Especially if you're a homelessexual like me.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PsychedOutToast
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are fire engines red?

You'd be red too, if you had your hose stretched across the street...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rabbitstew45
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Walking home last night, I passed a slice of apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought to myself, β€œThe streets seem strangely desserted…”

πŸ‘︎ 185
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Retgits
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, β€œWhat’s the word on the street?”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cool-kid103
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
We really should be more grateful for sidewalks..

They keep us off the streets

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wedge001
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
🚨︎ report
can we give a shout out to sidewalks?

Cuz' they really helped to keep me off the streets

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brandschain
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I really owe a lot to sidewalks.

They've been keeping me off the streets for years.

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dumb-reply
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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I bought a U2 GPS and it’s garbage.

The streets have no name and I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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I saw a guy drop his scrabble letters in a road

I asked him "whats the word on the street?"

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimmyboii_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
🚨︎ report
An Englishman, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer.

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"

πŸ‘︎ 139
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Noir_Reaper
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the traffic light turn red?

It was embarrassed to change in the street!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_rollzzz_Royce_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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My wife came back from the store today wearing a shirt with stalks of corn on it.

I asked her if she got a good deal on her new crop top, and she heard me from across the street. Her ears are brand new!

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RemarkableMoose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I'd like to give a big shout out to all the sidewalks out there...

... For keeping me off the streets.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/irishfowler
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2019
🚨︎ report
A big shout out to sidewalks

They kept me off the streets

πŸ‘︎ 223
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrcheckpointeh
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Shout out to sidewalks

For keeping me off the streets .

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnny_Two_Timez
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
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My favorite sport is the parralel bars...

I take my first glass at a bar on one side of the street, and the last at the one in front.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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A man is walking home alone late one foggy night

When behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER

FASTER

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, and slams it shut and locks it behind him.

However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clacking

Clapity-BUMP...

Clapity-BUMP...

Clapity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs in the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him

A man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the bottle of cough syrup at the casket and...

The coffin stops.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Energylegs23
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
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Yesterday I saw a guy spill all of his Scrabble letters on the street.

I asked him, β€œWhat’s the word on the street?”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KxngJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
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F in the chat

Two peanuts were walking down the street One was a salted

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cs0082
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
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I'd like to give a big shout out to all the sidewalks.

For keeping me off the streets

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2019
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