Drive wheel Puns

And now it's All We'll Drive!

He was trying to get it dirt "jeep"

Sleep cycle.

My son and I were driving home from his baseball practice when we see a car with a vinyl wrap. All digital camo. I point it out and said “that’s a nice car huh?” And he replies “what car? All I see are wheels.” It took me a second to realize what he said. So I looked over to him he had the biggest smirk on his face. I almost teared up.

The bartender asks,"Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate responds,"Arghhh, it's driving me nuts."

Livid Davina, low car

Found this on Twitter:

My pal, driving in fog, got pulled over. Cop says “What do we do when we encounter Mr Fog?”. My pal thinks “better humour him” so says “ We turn Mr Steering Wheel towards Mr Slow lane”. Cop says “No Sir, I said “What do we do when we encounter MIST OR FOG !”

When she realized what happened, her first thought was 'you picked a fine time to leave me loose wheel.'

He yells, hey! Hey, pirate! There's a steering wheel in your pants! Pirate says, Aarr, I know! It's driving me nuts!

He started pointing them out to me.

"Llama, llama, llama, llama, llama, chameleon."

++++++++++++++++++

I thought of this today while driving and smacked my wheel as I giggled. My girlfriend stared at me, bemused and confused.

I like it. I'm proud of myself.

The doctor asked, "Why do you have a steering wheel down your pants?"

The man said, "I dunno, but it's driving me nuts!"

My father used to insist he could drive with 3 knees (with hands off wheel). When asked what knees, he said;

"My right knee, my left knee, and me wee knee!"

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

“Yes of course” replied Trevor

Aye matey

To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.

My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:

Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.

LN: What happened?

Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.

LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?

Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking "jackpot." The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed.

LN: What was in it?

Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu...

LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!

Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS.. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do.

LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO?

Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida..

LN: mmhmm

Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him.

LN: What did he tell you to do?!

Dad: Call a tow truck.

LN: ....what?

Dad: Get it, toe truck?!

LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU.

DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test.

Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys!

...with a full-sized ship's steering wheel attached to the zipper of his pants.

The bartender says, "There's a steering wheel attached to your zipper, doesn't that bother you?"

The pirate replies, "Argh, it's driving me nuts."

So I'm driving down the road one day sitting next to my wife with the four kids in the back of the Minivan. I mention to my wife "Have you noticed the van has a loud whine when you jiggle the wheel?". She get's a concerned look on her face "The van is pretty new, what do you think is wrong?". I respond "No idea, maybe you can tell me where you think it's coming from".

I jiggle the wheel back and forth, the van sways and sways, and out of the back seat a voice pipes up "DAAAaaaAAadddd, stop iiitttt, I'm trying to reeeaaaadddd".

One of the best parts of being a dad are the Jokes, even if I'm clearly the only one in the family who appreciates them :D

Driving down the highway, when I saw a car carrying a bicycle on a bike rack. The bike was missing its front wheel.

Me: Glad to see that bike is well rested. Son: What do you mean? Me: It's not two tired.

I grinned all the way home, while he just kept rolling his eyes, pretending it wasn't funny.

We were on the road, and she was complaining about having sore hands.

Me: Do you think your hands are sore because all you've done today is drive us all places?

Wife: Yeah - too much time gripping this steering wheel.

Me: Oh, that's carpool tunnel syndrome.

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!

What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!

Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.

What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!

Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.

The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.

How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.

What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!

What musical is about a train conductor? “My Fare, Lady”.

A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

What animals are on legal documents? Seals!

Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!

Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.

Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!

How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!

Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!

Dockyard: A physician’s garden.

What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!

The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.

“What’s purple and 5000 miles long?” “Ooh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Four bucks,” says the bartender. “Put it on my bill.”

I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.

What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!

When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

Dad and I are leaving Home Depot and cross paths with a gentleman carrying some 2x4s over his shoulder through the crosswalk. He stops the car and turns to me with, "Looks like he's... walking the plank." Dad literally cant drive the car because he's doubled over the steering wheel crying. All I can do is meet the stares of fellow shoppers with the deadpan face of one who has just been dad-joked. I will become him one day.

I honestly just had a dream that belongs here. At the start of the dream, I meticulously engraved the word "Over" into a knife when I started getting all these friends and old contacts telling me to leave them alone and blocking me... when I didn't say shit. I finally notice somebody is going through my contacts on all social media one at a time and just ruining friendships sending lewd photos of their junk.

I realize it's coming from my computer at home and I can't get remoted into it so I start driving home... only to get caught in a bunch of tornados. One smaller one picks me up and throws my car about 20ft knocking my wheel loose.

I limp my car away from that tornado only to find another doing like a Mexican standoff with me on the highway. I turned to the random person in my passenger seat holding up the knife and said "Wind or Loose, it'll be Over in a Flash" and I woke up. Now I feel the need to change all my passwords...

Driving along with my dad in his land rover.

He turns to me and says: "Do you want to go off road?" "Yes" I reply

Dad proceeds to mount the grassy verge with one wheel for about 3 seconds before returning to the road. Dad laughs manically for about 5 minutes.

While driving in the car listening to 60's - 70's rock radio station

Led Zeppelin, ACDC, Foghat etc. would come on and my Dad would immediately start singing. Somewhere down the line he blatantly screws up the lyrics loud enough for all of us to hear and would say...

Smacking the drivers wheel "Damn, I really hate when the radio stations mess up the lyrics like that"

Driving the family car with a whining engine when the brakes squeek obnoxiously

"Looks like this van has more than one squeal"

"Yeah, including the nut behind the wheel!"

Need to ask sister a question

"Have you seen my sister?"

"No, but I read the book."

Looking at laptops when we see the chromebook we have at home

"Hey look, it's that thing that struggles with the concept of Ctrl-P"

"Well, that is why they made diapers"

I had been driving for a few years and had just moved off to college.

I was on my way back home to visit and it got dark during my drive. My headlights and radio worked but my dash lights were not coming on. When I got home I asked my dad about it and he said he'd go take a look. He went outside then comes back in the house just a few minutes later.

Me: "Did you find out what the problem is?"

Dad: "I think so."

Me: "Well, what was it?"

Dad: "I'll have to show you tomorrow, if I'm right then we're going to have fun working on your truck all morning."

We wait until morning, and dad wakes me up to go work on my truck. We go outside and he has me walk him through the entire problem again. Which lights were working and which were not, has me start the truck a few times and has me do the same troubleshooting I did the night before. I was getting frustrated and told him I tried absolutely everything.

Then he says "I think there's one thing you forgot." He points at a knob by the steering wheel. I looked at where he was pointing and it hit me. It's the damned the dash-light dimmer switch, and it was set to it's lowest (dimmest) position. When I looked back up at him he just had the biggest grin on his face. He then went into a full explanation on how this knob worked, knowing full well that I already knew what that knob did. Which, by the way, I'm sitting on the driver's seat and he's standing at the driver's side door. So I had no way to walk away from this embarrassing moment. All I could do was look down at the steering wheel and listen to him enjoying his joke.

Bonus story #1:

I'm in my 30s and one of my friends is a 74 year old guy that I play pool with. He always asks me what I've been up to, and one time I told him I met a girl.

He got excited and said "Do you have any pictures of her?" So I showed him a few pictures of us together.

Old man: "She's beautiful! She sounds like a keeper."

Then he leans in with a grin and says "Do you have any naked pictures of her?"

Me: "No way!"

Old man: "Do you want to see some?"

Bonus story #2:

That same old man was at our friend's wedding. He's sitting at the table with his wife and a bunch of other people. The conversation is about how they have been married for 50+ years. He says "I don't know how she's put up with me for this many years. But I've always told her that she can leave whenever she wants to, cause I'm comin' with her."

His wife explained that she has heard all of his jokes so

"It's good that you have all wheel drive. And you've got snow tires."

"Actually, they're made of rubber."

100%, actually happened, last Sunday night.

So a pirate is walking down the street with a ships wheel in his pants, somebody comes up to him and asks "Why do you have a ships wheel in your pants, doesn't that bother you?" And the pirate responds "Arrgggh its driving me nuts!!"

My Dad is on slushy roads and driving on all the snow he can.

Me: So you have a big bad 4 wheel drive and just have to use it?

Dad: Actually I was spreading winter out so it melts faster.

...and we see a car with the license plate MSPHYT with a guy at the wheel. My dad turns to me and says "That's weird, why is Mr. Phyt driving Ms. Phyt's car?

My family (Dad, Mom, Borther, and 2x sisters) was driving back to alberta after a trip to B.C, and my dad pulled this one..

Dad: Holy shit a bear!!

Mom: Where?!

Dad: On the side of the road!

Kids: Where?!?

Dad: You don't see it?

Everyone else: No- oh..

we proceed to pass a billboard with a grizzly bear on it while my dad is laughing and doing the classic banging of the hands on the steering wheel

I´m not really sure if this fits here, but it´s a hilarious story.

A Year ago my Father, mother, brother and me were driving to lunch(or breakfast), when we came to an intersection. This intersection has seen alot of accidents over the years, because people don´t give a fuck and just turn in. Long story short: A guy almost crashes his van into our car. It all went really fast. My dad shouted, hit the brakes and with a screeching sound we halted. The van just drove on and was before us. My dad muttered something like: "That´s it!" and overtook the van. He stopped infron of said van and got out.(Sidenote: We are all tall in my family. my little brother is a little over 2 meters and is really buff. I´m just 2 meters tall and my dad is a little smaller than me. My mum is the smallest of the bunch with just 1,86 or so) So my dad gets out of the car and starts shouting at the guy in the van. My father is a real pacifist and hates violence of any form, so we all were really shocked. I look over to my brother and say:"We gotta hold him back he´s gonna rip that guys head off!". So we both got out and the guy starts trembling behind his steering wheel, when suddenly a giant stands infront of his car shouting and hitting and kicking the air, while 2 larger giants hold him back (barely though) and try to sooth him. My mother gets out goes over to the guys windows points him to let it down and say:"You´re lucky my sons are with us, otherwise we wouldn´t be having this conversation." She goes back to my father tells him to cool down and we all get back in the car. The guy in the van looks frozen at us and doesnt move a muscle. Remeber we are still on the street holding up the entire intersection, so cars start honking. It´s then i hear my dad laughing and saying:" You didn´t think i was gonna do anything did ya?" We didn´t spoke to him for the rest of the ride, but later at lunch(or breakfast) we all laughed about it.

TL;DR: 3 Giants teach a man not to speed.

Found this gem on Twitter:

My pal, driving in fog, got pulled over. Cop says “What do we do when we encounter Mr Fog?”. My pal thinks “better humour him” so says “ We turn Mr Steering Wheel towards Mr Slow lane”. Cop says “No Sir, I said “What do we do when we encounter MIST OR FOG !”

...with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender spots him and looks quizzically at this man. He asks the pirate “What’s with the steering wheel in your pants?” The pirate replies “Arrr, it’s driving me nuts”.

The bartender says, "Hey, you've got a steering wheel on your pants." The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It's driving me nuts."

the bartender said "you know you have your ships steering wheel in your pants?" the pirate replied "argh matey, i know its driving me nuts"

The bar tender asked, "do you know there's a steering wheel in your pants?" And the pirate said, "arrr it's driving me nuts!"

The bartender looks at him and says, “Do you know you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants?”

The pirate goes, “Aye, it’s been driving me nuts!”.

Bartender: "Hey buddy, you know you have steering wheel attached to your Willy?"

Pirate: "Aaarrrrr.... It's driving me nuts."

The bartender asks, “Sir, why do you have a wheel between your legs?”

The pirate responds, “I don’t know, but it’s driving me nuts!”

Me: "Hey do you want to know why they say you should drive with your hands on the wheel at 10 and 2?"

Him: "Well, you should have your hands on the wheel at all times of the day"

The bartender notices a steering wheel down his pants and asks about it.

The man says, yes it has been driving me nuts all day!!

I told him "You can't while I'm driving." He grabbed the steering wheel and said "Okay I'll drive then."