Hey FPS, I love this sub and finally had something to write about today, so I'll give you a short, sweet, and deep-fried appetiser so you can keep those currrves as attractive as ever ;)
>>be me, 6'0, ~160lbs or 72kgs because 'straya cunt
>>working in shitty newsagency job in the city, serving shitty people
>>shop's in a mall, is a kiosk/shop hybrid near the food court
>> sell mainly lottery tickets and scratchies and occasionally cards, stationery, magazines and all that jazz, midweek crowd are usually the old and/or unemployed
>>dem gambling addictions
>>just a standard shitty shift until the disturbance in the spacetime continuum
>>a giant mass is ripping apart the fabric of the Universe
>>exposed to multiple dimensions, this wasn't in my job description
>>the infinite wonder of the universe is in turmoil
>>source of irregularity lumbers into view
>>not sure whether to call CERN or Seaworld
>>~50-60 year old behemoth heaves past, 5'6", 430lbs/200kgs, can power a mid-sized city with her heavy breathing. Hamplanet daughter is with her, but leaves her to go to the Hungry Jack's (Australian Burger King)
>>let's call her Hami's Theorum (HT)
>>biggest jowls I have ever seen, imagine Droopy and Dribble if they were the size of Jupiter and Saturn
>>HT moves by putting whole body weight on shopping cart, I have never seen her move unaided, probably times her shopping trips so her attraction to the sun pulls her from end of the mall to the other
>>preserve tha curve
>>semi-regular customer of ours, spends shitloads on gambling, always been incredibly pushy and rude
>>turn my attention to another customer and recover my eyesight
>>hear deep grumbling noise and muttering
>>me and my coworker when we turn around and see her trying to squeeze through the magazine aisles
>>"these aisles are too narrow!"
>>can fit 3 normal sized people down one aisle easily
>>"hey you, why are these aisles so small?"
>>[MFW TP is being able to manoeuvre through wide spaces](http://i606.photobucket.com/albums/tt148/otb17162/SIMON-CONFUSED
... keep reading on reddit ➡
I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.
Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.
Do your worst!
I'm surprised it hasn't decade.
For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂
It really does, I swear!
They’re on standbi
Pilot on me!!
Nothing, he was gladiator.
Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.
This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.
If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.
Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.
When I got home, they were still there.
What did 0 say to 8 ?
" Nice Belt "
So What did 3 say to 8 ?
" Hey, you two stop making out "
I won't be doing that today!
[Removed]
This morning, my 4 year old daughter.
Daughter: I'm hungry
Me: nerves building, smile widening
Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.
She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.
Thank you all for listening.
There hasn't been a post all year!
You take away their little brooms
It’s pronounced “Noel.”
After all his first name is No-vac
What, then, is Chinese rap?
Edit:
Notable mentions from the comments:
-
Spanish/Swedish/Swiss/Serbian hits
-
French/Finnish art
-
Country/Canadian rap
-
Chinese/Country/Canadian rock
-
Turkish/Tunisian/Taiwanese rap
There hasn't been a single post this year!
(Happy 2022 from New Zealand)
It was about a weak back.
Nothing, it just waved
Him: I can explain everything!
(It's his best joke yet I think)
Bob
Where ever you left it 🤷♀️🤭
So that I could frequently say, "I am going to walk 5 miles now."
Edit: My most popular post on Reddit! 😀 Thank you for the awards.
Just to clarify, 12345678
Me grabbing a soda from my (what I thought was) half full 12pk...
Notices there's only 2;
Me: "Awe man... This is a damn bird box!" Her: "What the hell does that mean?!" Me: (Pulls both cans out & shows them to her) "It's only got Toucans."
I'm not ashamed to admit the look on her face was glorious.
I was just sitting there doing nothing.
