A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about Chiron of Greek mythology?

With his medical skills, he's known as the first centaur for disease control!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RiderMaha
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Never make love to a thin piece of wood without using protection.

If you forget, you might get a veneereal disease.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mitchinatr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
🚨︎ report
My fathers name is Parkin

He has a genetic disease, that i too have. I am Parkin's son

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, β€œI feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”

He said, β€œWow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclopropagative
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Grocery stores are now carrying gluten-free beef.

It's made from cattle that have Silly Yaks' disease.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about the disease you get from kissing birds ?

It's called Chirpies. It's a canarial disease. It's untweetable.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.

Global chaos ensues.

The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Every ancestor inherit treasures to their bloodline

That explains why I have so many hereditary diseases.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
The vet told me my parrot was sick...

...he has chirpes.

'What's that?'

'It's a cararial disease... and, by the way, it's untweetable.'

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dmatlack1023
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Know what goes great with a Coronavirus?

Lime disease

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard Donald Trump is going to ban shredded cheese, and make America grate again.

also in the news:

Patients who have died or been admitted to intensive care with Covid-19 have been found to be deficient in a vitamin found in spinach, eggs, and hard and blue cheeses, raising hopes that dietary change might be one part of the answer to combating the disease.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a doctor who is half man and half horse?

A centaur for disease control

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peach_problems
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Doctors say some effects of COVID-19 may follow patients for life.

You could say it's a choronic disease.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kngfbng
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Nose that has a job as a Health Inspector?

A Scenter for Disease Control.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today

Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:

β€œWell, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”

pauses for effect

β€œ...I guess I let it go to my head.”

Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).

Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another β€˜incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...

πŸ‘︎ 19k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bilgerat78
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
🚨︎ report
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine

That made him the centaur for disease control

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billyboogie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Two cows are standing in a field...

Cow 1: are you worried about getting mad cow disease?

Cow 2: of course not... I’m not a cow!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ed_five
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Just another viral rant.

All right reddit, I have to get this off my chest. I’m absolutely SICK of this pandemic. Everywhere I go, I’m constantly being PESTERED to wipe down surfaces and sanitize my hands. It’s a complete infestation of my personal space!

Let’s face it, our ailing democratic rights have taken a huge hit. And this is a symptom of a larger problem. Namely, our ruling class seems totally impaired! We are being totally ill-informed by people who claim they know everything about this disease.

For example, this whole situation has been plagued with problems since the beginning! It’s a scourge on what’s left of humanity.

So I say, it’s time to break out of the shackles and seize our lives back! We need to combat this virus that flew around the world with everything we’ve got. Because this lock down is bugging the hell out of me! This is a cold call to do your part. The health of our society depends on it!

Happy quarantine, everyone!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daloonik
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My doc said I shouldn't be making puns on diabetes its a serious disease..

I said I can't help it doc, its a pun-creatic disease.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IfuM52
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why aren't sailors scared of COVID-19?

They're used to the perils of disease.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrrainandthunder
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?

Patient: Good news please. Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.

πŸ‘︎ 149
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Why is it called PMS?

Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What goes best with CoronaVirus?

Lyme Disease.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blue_sky_love
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I was having trouble playing a song on guitar and my teacher said "practice to a tick"

It didn't work at all and now I have Lyme disease

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/disintegore
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.

It's called Parking Son's disease.

Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/unlucky_genius
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick

It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.

The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital.

After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER doctor ran a blood test and determined the casket definitely did not have the coronavirus.

"But I feel like I'm dying doctor, and I only just came to life. If it isn't the coronavirus what is it?" worriedly asked the casket.

"I'm not sure," answered the doctor, "we'll have to run some more tests."

"But my fever, the pain in my lungs...what could it be? Doctor if you had to give me your best diagnosis right now without the tests, what do you think could be causing these terrible respiratory symptoms?"

The doctor thought for a moment then answered, "SARS cough I guess."

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Buddy collided with a delivery truck - he got stabbed with the antenna.. Diagnosis?

A van aerial disease

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dabiker68
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the new sequel to the Sixth Sense?

It's about essential oil people dying from preventable diseases. It's titled "The Seventh Scents"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/d1sass3mbled
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
🚨︎ report
You know what goes well with the Corona virus?

Lyme disease!

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SpartanMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
🚨︎ report
There is a new found side effect of coronavirus.

It's lyme disease.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I noticed my dog starting to shake every time he barked, so I took him to the vet.

She confirmed my worst fears. Diagnosis: Barkinson's disease.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JimBobBoBubba
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My coworker told us this dadjoke on Friday

If I catch the Corona Virus, I hope I get Lyme Disease too.

Corona just isn't the same without a lime.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pwnrzero
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Man: "Doctor, Doctor. All my sons want to be valets when they grow up."

Doctor: "WOW, That's the worst case of Parking Son's disease I've ever seen."

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Do you know what goes great with coronaviris?

Lyme disease...

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/I_love_seinfeld
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2020
🚨︎ report
OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today

Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:

β€œWell, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”

pauses for effect

β€œ...I guess I let it go to my head.”

Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).

Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another β€˜incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œDoc, all five of my sons want to be valets when they grow up!”

Doctor: Holy shit, this is the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen!

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
🚨︎ report
In Greek mythology, Chiron was half man, half horse. He had knowledge and wisdom in medicine.

You could say he was the centaur for disease control

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jxwtf585
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What goes good with coronavirus?

Lyme disease

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/borchelin
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What illness goes well with the Corona Virus?

Lyme Disease

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mortalfloater
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What goes really good with the Coronavirus

Lyme disease

Courtesy of my father.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kmolly
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Coronavirus

Know what goes well with Coronavirus? Lyme disease.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/g5v5
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report

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